Sage Rosenfels Returns to Minnesota for the Percy Treatment

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/sage_rosenfels1.jpg?w=570
For quarterback Sage Rosenfels, it’s been a long, strange journey. After falling out of favor with then-coach Brad Childress, he was traded to the New York Giants at the end of training camp in 2010 where he was asked back up Eli Manning. In short order, he found that he was the victim of strep throat which led to a blood infection, landing him on injured reserve. Once healthy, his time with the Giants was terminated, only for him to join with the Dolphins for a short while. Yet with a new opportunity came new challenges; the Florida heat affected Rosenfels in an odd way. Checking with his doctors, they discovered he was suffering from mono. In time, Rosenfels was again placed on IR, rested, released from the team, and serendipitously picked up off waivers by the Minnesota Vikings after they had released a quarterback of their own in Donovan McNabb. For Sage, his luck couldn’t have been any better.

“It’s been a long, hard fall from helicopter spins back to Minnesota, but I just think about how lucky I am to be back here and get access to a top-notch medical staff that has helped clear my symptoms up for good” he said during an off-the-record media interview post-Vikings and Broncos Sunday. When pressed for this “magic therapy” he was referring to, Sage just offered a dopey smile and said, “You know, Percy?”

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/rosen002.jpg?w=239
“Yeah, clearly I had some bronchial type issues or whatever, throat things where my neck felt all icky and bad,” Sage said, explaining further. “I was seeing all these doctors in Miami to try and cure my mono and lingering effects of strep throat, and they kept proscribing me balls of cocaine, machine guns, and salsa. If anything, that was making my throat worse! That’s why when the Vikings plucked me off waivers, everything just clicked.”

It was indeed a lucky happenstance for Sage, as he rejoined the team as the temperature dropped in the Great Plains. The cooler weather, combined with Minnesota Vikings receiver Percy Harvin’s magic cure left Sage hopeful for a full recovery. “I was thinking to myself, ‘That’s it! I’ll contact Percy when I get up there! He’ll know what to do!’ And then my wife asked me why I just said that out loud, so I had to explain to her how Percy had spent time playing football in Florida as well while fighting through medical issues, and clearly he’s figured it out. I knew he’d have some way for me to get better.”

And he certainly did. After passing his physical with the team and grabbing a playbook that since has had pages torn out of it and rolled up, Sage said he called Percy Harvin immediately to set up an appointment. “Percy is very serious about helping others. He asked for a co-pay of $25 when I saw him, checked my medical history – allergies, drug history, sexual activity, things like that – and led me to a dark and calming room in his house that he says always plays Thievery Corporation. It was just like a hospital setting. He then shared with me an injection of liquid smoke of some kind, and in no time I was cleared up! I was breathing clearer and even my mind was sharper. I had all these crazy ideas of awesome offensive plays that the two of us were going to run during games, but … Oh shoot … I can’t believe I forgot them. I knew I should have written them down …”

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/sr011.jpg?w=655
Rosenfels says he understands his roll on the team will be different this time around. When he first arrived to Minnesota in 2009, he was competing with Tarvaris Jackson for a starting position until Brett Favre wrangled his way to playing time for two consecutive years. Whereas before his sights were set much higher, the remainder of this year he knows he has different expectations set upon him.

“I’m ready to just like, kick back and help where I can, man,” he said around an afternoon liquid smoke injection. “I love sitting in that film room and watching game in slow motion. I’m meeting new people, too, like that Ponder kid. He thinks I’m so goofy, all old and stuff. It’s pretty funny. And John David Booty, too. I don’t know why he’s still around here?”

“Really though, it’s just good to be back. I enjoy Minneapolis a great deal, and will definitely keep my options open for the future. Right after I eat this row of Double Stuffed Oreos. Holy shit … just look at those … Wow.”

PS: Guess what? Sage never said any of these things. It’s satire. LOL!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

Quantcast