So Which One of You Will Cast the First Stone?

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So do people still play Madden football anymore? I figured most everyone stopped once they decided to create the game defaults to the point where it was either impossible to run two yards up the middle, or if you fiddled with the sliders, you only ran 75 yards to the outside. Pretty outstanding simulator. Regardless, despite a forever lockout of NFL players from the NFL itself, EA Sports is still acting pretty smug like they’re going to have a Madden ’12 this year which you will inevitably spend $60 dollars on only to find out that, yup, it once again is the exact same game as last year.

To add some additionally needed interest this season, they are letting YOU, THE FAN! vote on who you think should be the cover athlete for this year’s game NCAA Tournament bracket style. They were able to do this by selecting one player from each team to vote on for whether you want them to be on the cover or not, have them going against other players from other teams in appropriate seedings, and so forth. There is one problem though; they selected Purple Jesus as the Vikings representative.

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There are numerous issues wrong with this. First, we all know of the Madden curse. Fuck that. No way are you going to take my team that has one, MAYBE two outstanding players on it, and have him potentially be on the cover of this shitty video game just to please a millions assholes and then curse him to death. Really? You’re going to pull this one again, Pontius Pilate? Going to kill our lord and savior again, you stone throwing fuckers? I swear to the Purple Lord himself, if there ends up being football next year, and if Purple Jesus ends up being on the cover and subsequently breaks a fucking leg, loses and eye, or even gets a scratch or a staph infection, I promise to murder each one of your faces with my clipped finger nails which I have sharpened into a formidable object. DON’T TEMP ME, FUCKOS. If you must vote, as the bracket indicates above, pick that deserving prick Julius Peppers. He’s probably going to get hurt anyway. At least give him an excuse for it then.

The other part about this whole thing, which clearly makes no sense based off last paragraph’s tirade, is that it is utter blasphemy that whoever created this bracket only gave Purple Jesus a nine seed. A fucking NINE seed? Really? You know who was a nine seed in the NCAA Tournament bracket this year? Villanova, Tennessee, Illinois, and Old Dominion. GTFO with that shit. Yeah, Purple Jesus is TOTALLY the Old Dominion of professional football. And clearly Ray Rice, Mark Sanchez, Jamaal Charles, and Danny Woodhead are better football players that Purple Jesus. CLEARLY. Their numbers say so if you are blind, deaf, and suck dick.

Maybe this low ranking will instead HELP Purple Jesus to retake the hearts of millions next time there are NFL games, and get out from Childress’ shadow and run the ball like he’s supposed to. And maybe the low ranking will keep him from advancing. Maybe it’ll be Aaron Rodgers who wins, he’ll get his third concussion, and be forced to retire. That’d be cool. Just as long as PJ’s underdog syndrome doesn’t take over America …

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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