Thanks For Absolutely Nothing, Chicago

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I go on vacation for a week and I come back to some terrible news; the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers are the two teams queefing it out in the NFC Championship game to have the opportunity to play for this year’s Super Bowl trophy. That means, regardless of who were to win, the Vikings and their fans would have to spend the next seven or so months hearing about how the favorites for the NFC North are whatever dickhead team makes it to the Super Bowls. Also, both teams fucking suck and make me want to punch baby kittens and completely undeserving of a Super Bowl birth, so hearing about their success for seven months would suck to.

There was only one way to staunch the sucktitude that would be our offseason, and that was if the Bears would have won. But what do you know? Those assholes decided to play like the 7-9 team they really were and ruined the NFL for fucking everyone. So I have a few 2010 parting words for you ladies:

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- Jay Cutler, you sir are indeed a pussy. Brian Urlacher called you on it years ago, and everyone knows it except for Kritsen Cavillari, unless she’s just dating you so she can wear the pants in the relationship. Oh, tore your MCL, baby? Derp-face Phillip Rivers tore an ACL and finished a game on it, had surgery, then played the next fucking week. You didn’t even know when your pink-flowered band aid owie occurred on Sunday, but it’s not like it fucking mattered because you were playing like Odin speared you in the asshole anyway before and after the injury. “Holy shit, a pass rush! Oh Noes!” God I fucking hate you.

- Mike Martz is the king of the retards. You and your coach call a time out on a third down play that looks like it would have worked, only to come out of this timeout and call a Childress-esque reverse play on third and short? Go fuck yourself right in the eyeball. Martz is the worst kind of coach/assistant, which was also the problem with Brad Childress. You assholes think you’re so god damn smart with your play calling, that you can get yourself out of any situation. The problem is that you don’t realize you’re coaching and relying on meatbag alcoholic and rapists instead of emotionless automatons who will inevitably fuck up every single play you call. So instead of trying to manage every unmanageable aspect of a game, you just fuck things up trying for perfection. Instead, you have this fatheads Mike McCarthy and a true man who understands people like Tomlin waltzing through playoff games and into the Super Bowl. Unbelievable.

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- More so than the players and the teams, the fans of both these horrible squads are just as insufferable to put up with. Packer fans go without saying, but Bears fans are just as bad and haven’t been covered as much here. But you know what? Fuck them. I’m glad they lost. They walked around all fall thinking their team was deserving of their actual record, that they had a legitimate shot at the Super Bowl, and not a single other human in the world thought they had a shot. They felt so deserving! It’s Chicago! It’s their time to win! Well fuck you. What makes you so special? Your town is full of idiots and your team was atrocious. There were at least two games that were gifted to you pricks this season. And now you’ll all go and cheer on the Cubs and whine about their curse. It’s not a fucking curse, asshole. It’s called being a shitty franchise. You think the Lions are curse? Of course not. You all just suck.

- Fuck that defense too. Brian Urlacher is overrated as shit. Remember when he slipped trying to tackle that dump pass over the middle yesterday? Bullshit. He went blind and didn’t even see the reciver. He didn’t even try. The Bears should dump his ass and let him go get herpes again from Paris Hilton.

- More than anything, if the Bears had made it to the Super Bowl I would have been a thousand times convinced they would have gotten molested by whichever AFC team made it in. Now that we all know the Steelers are the team playing as well, I would have been content to watch the Bears lose by 40. Now that the Packers are playing them I’m still pretty sure they’ll get exposed and lose and their fans will feel ultimate heartbreak (which will be enjoyable as well), but now they have a chance. And that’s a thousand times worse too. So fuck you Bears for making this even an opportunity.

God, I wish I was back on vacation. Football sucks right now.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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