Christmas is always on December 25. The sun rises in the East. Baseball is an inferior American sport to football. Things that are all true and really indisputable by the general public. But did you know you can add another item to that list? “Green Bay Packer football player beats the shit out of his significant other.” Like clockwork! The most recent, and possibly best, example courtesy of Packer CB Brandon Underwood:
Green Bay Packers Brandon Underwood has been charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct for an alleged physical altercation with his wife Brandie Underwood. The incident occurred the night the Green Bay Packers got their Super Bowl rings. According to the criminal complaint, Underwood allegedly ripped a necklace off his wife, dragged her out to their car and threw her on the ground.
Brandie Underwood filed for divorce in May this year. A court appearance is scheduled for July 6, 2011.
My GOODNESS. I never would have imagined this guy would have a criminal disposition to beating a woman … or … wait a second … this is like some deja vu shit, right? And not the sexy kind?
Now, I’m already a little bit late on this story, but apparently Underwood’s wife (who is surprisingly attractive … dude REALLY out kicked his coverage on this one) has already decided to retrace her steps and likely won’t press charges against Underwood. Why would she do this? Largely because his $3 Million or so guaranteed contract seems mighty attractive. But I think we all know the truth. From some gay Packers blog:
According to Mrs. Underwood’s story, the two were having an argument that evening on their way home from the ring ceremony. Brandon Underwood allegedly became incensed over her wearing the Super Bowl necklace given to her by the Packers organization, then ripped it off her neck while still in their car.
Underwood was then said to have gotten out of the car, walked around to the passenger side door, and dragged Brandie from the vehicle before driving away. She immediately phoned the police, and Underwood was arrested upon his return.
She saw that gaudy diamond Super Bowl ring and almost flushed her panties off her hips. She went all Gollum on Underwood’s undersized Frodo ass and they probably had to fight it out, life and limb. I almost can’t blame him. She was clearly going to take the precious ring from him. I wouldn’t be surprised though if this was just him wanting to beat her so she’d look more like Rihanna. However, his full police report (No joke, in PDF!) doesn’t list any of that unless it’s somewhere in the fine print. Has to be.
The beauty of this all is that it comes almost a full calendar year after his LAST incident where he “allegedly” raped a chick in the Wisconsin Dells. Try to wrap your head around that. 364.25 days later, Wisconsin Dells, a Wisconsin woman, a professional football player (kind of), rape. That’s like a “Young and the Restless” type story. Did you know that show is set in Wisconsin? No wonder I hate it.
Sure, many are quick to claim this is the last draw with Underwood. “We’ve had enough! Us Packer fans don’t put up with this behavior! We’re not like those hooligans in Minnesota, with their disgusting mooning and sex boat parties!” No, you’re not. When we get in trouble with the law it’s because we have to hide a plastic dick in our carry-on bags because we smoke weed everyday, or we are importing hookers from Miami to ram double donged dildos into their buttholes. We’re not hitting anyone, you drunk, fat, taints. We are partying like mo-fos, and you be mad jelly.
But hey, what do we know here in Minnesota. Our state is shut down and those neighbors to the east are just winning Super Bowls and beating up women. They got it way better over there. Here? We’ll just continue to live in a world without a government watching our every more. It’s like fucking Aquarius over here, man, I can’t believe. You know Percy’s on his way back.