Tweets O’ the Game: Eternal Factory of Sadness

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Do you know what Vikings fans do when their team loses? They bitch, and moan, and find only about four ways to say “This team sucks” or “You’re embarrassing me, Vikings, I hate you” and “Wah, wah, wah, my mangina is red and sore.” Jesus, I get it, we’re terrible. But try to be funnier, like this guy above, via @SmartFootball, whose real name is apparently … Lance? … Christ … Well, Lance was able to wrap this season up very succinctly for all of us by calling this franchise the “Eternal Factory of Sadness.” I kind of like it … totally reminds me of my total emo days when I’d write in my gournal and comb my hair over my eyes while snorting Ritalin and trying to blow myself.

Actually, that’s a pretty accurate description of what the Vikings season is like to. Whatever, let’s get to the Tweets, yo.

We continue our tour of depression with @BsSheffield, who would probably admit that he got a little too excited upon seeing Benny Sapp return to the field:

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Whoa, Sanbro Claus, tighten your reindeers. 37 interceptions in less than half a season is doing Sapp a DISSERVICE. He’s totally going to end up with more than that by years’ end and get to single handily defeat every remaining team we play with at least five pick-sixes a game. On the realistic tip? … Uh … Benny Sapp wasn’t a harlot who laid down and let the opposing team’s offense have their way with him? I guess that’s what we’re looking for when we are searching for improvement, so let’s all hang our horns on that. Then kill ourselves.

We continue on with what is probably the most disappointing fake athlete Twitter account there is, largely because this guy doesn’t get the Pondexter joke or that he should really be playing up the shirtless mentality of our quarterback, but @NotPonder7 had this to say:

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Eh, I guess I liked this at the time because I thought the idea of him (or Kluwe, for that matter) tweeting from the sideline was mildly humorous. Like, to the extent that I raised a single eyebrow and thought to myself, “Ah yes, verily.” Here’s my problem with fake athlete accounts like this one; they rarely are ever done well. There has only ever been, maybe, TWO fake athletes done successfully, and neither of them were Vikings players. First, the old “Tony Homo” blog where the guy pretended to be Drew Bledsoe. SHIT KILLED. Second, the fake Jay Cutler twitter account is pretty good, mostly though because the real Jay Cutler and him have some great back-and-forth. The fake Phillip Rivers is fine, but that would be the only other one. The problem with this Ponder one is that it fails to play up Ponder’s caricatures. The kid has two Master degrees, is by all means a genius, kind of a nerdy dude who lives the all American dream by being a QB, had a super hot GF, and is too smart to swear callously. That’s not this account, and I don’t find it funny. BEND YOUR VISION TO MY SENSITIVE IDEA ON LIFE, PLEASE. I’m also no comedian, so what do I know.

To put the final loss in perspective, @larson311 RT that jew-fro’d little draft cheater with this bit of insight:

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At least we can rely on that. Paul Allen on KFAN on Monday was nonchalantly chatting away like he’s some VIP insider, saying the Viking would likely draft Blackmon with their top pick and then focus on OL in the second or third round. Now, assuming his asinine statements are true and he’s not full of horse shit like usual, when faced with this as an actual possibility … Tsssssssss, I’m kind of nervous about it. Yes, it’s be awesome to have Blackmon on the team, but … God damn we need OL help so bad. And when you have Purple Jesus you need to stay a running team first. We can grab any scrub that can play better than Camarillo or Bertarded on this team in the second, third, or fourth rounds even. But if we have the chance to nab Kalil and we pass on him? Idon’tknowIdon’tknowIdon’tknow … Wait … Yes, whatever Rick Spielman wants to do, DO THE OPPOSITE. That should suffice.

Finally, I want to touch on a little bit of drama which occured at the Vikings game and got every to fluff in their panties, which @markcraignfl so wonderfully describes:

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To everyone complaining about this? F*ck you. You’re worse than idiots doing the wave. Guess what; the wave sucks anyway. It is meaningless, insignificant, boring, and reflects very poorly on any individual’s IQ which partakes in it. That is a fact. What’s also a fact is shit happens in football. People get concussions and have their helmets knocked off and they end up being fine. Heyward-Bey was fine, and you could tell pretty much immediately that he was, since he wasn’t talking through a robot while being examined. Ugly play. Totally accidental. No harm intended. Let’s get him out and just get this loss over with. But noooooo. Mark Craig wants a bunch of drunken fans who have given up on their football season to totally re-engage with what’s happening on the field when they stopped caring months ago. Or maybe he just wants them to show some respect to the downed player on the football field. Come on, savages! Someone could have died! … Or, wait, I’m sorry, they were doing THE F*CKING WAVE, not sitting there jeering, booing the guy, or calling his mother a whore. The wave. They were doing the wave. It, meant, nothing. “Eh, uh, clueless in Minnesota, serious neck injury, eh, I would NEVER do that, aahh, I’m such a better person than you, uhhgg!” Get off your high horse, people, F*CK.

Finally, we end these Tweets on the “ReTweet of the Game,” where I cherry-pick the one tweet that someone probably accidentally retweeted during the course of the action, but which I then get to use here to promote my own Twitter account. MARKETING GENIUS. Anyway, this week’s ReTweet comes courtesy thanks to the actions of @PurpleThunder28 and @King_Raccoon, who are both FINE gents:

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Yeah … Not, a lot happening on Sunday. Downhill from here.

HOPEFULLY Sunday will be better. It’ll be another shit show as the Vikings head to Atlanta, so I am prepared for lots of anger, excuses, and forward thinking. This is just getting more and more like an abusive husband/wife relationship. In the meantime follow us on Twitter, check us out on Facebook, and leave comments whenever you can because god dammit I need the publicity. And because you’re good people. GOOD. Thanks.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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