You know, at this point I totally don’t give a camel dick why this is a news story at all, but here is a video to start us off this week of former Minnesota Vikings quarterback Joe Kapp (who is 73 and weighs as much as Chris Kluwe, from the looks of this video) dropping bones on some fat ass old man. Apparently it was because that fatty wouldn’t accept a symbolic peace offering flower or some shit, but none of that matters. What DOES matter is that, even at 73, Joe Kapp is showing more balls and fight in him than the Vikings did while playing a game for money where you legally get to molest people. And that should be a damn shame, you young whippersnappers. Thanks to @TwinsGeek for the video via Tweet:
And with that, let’s dive into this roast beef cash and see what kind of trouble you ass clowns got us into this week, in Tweets O’ the Game:
We continue as per usual by gauging fan confidence near the beginning of the game. As you can tell from this Tweet by @BenjaminJDawson, things were looking ugly real quick:
He’s right. I kind of imagine the Falcons in the first half dressed like the Joker in The Dark Knight and breaking into a hospital room where this Vikings team is on life support, and they are just kind enough to put us out of our misery. We all know it didn’t QUITE work out like that (largely because Leslie Frazier is still coaching, my god, how is this happening), but maybe it was more of a rushed suffocation attempt and the white knight-esque orderly walked in to change our shit-filled bed pan and stopped them. So great, instead of just dying peacefully, now we get hooked up to a respirator and are forced to agonize through the rest of a lost season. Can we start a new hashtag movement during games? #EuthanizetheVikes or something? Thanks.
National Vikings fan @drewmagary summed up every fans feelings about this team in 2011 with this poignant Tweet:
Yes. Nothing. Like laying with Michelle Duggar in the biblical sense. Just fill the bath tub up with lukewarm water at that point. Yes, Vikings, cheering for you is like having sex with an entire bathtub of lukewarm water. With soap scum on the side walls, like vagina smegma. Think about that. Jerks.
Oddly, despite the first half blunders of the Vikings, I still found @InsideHoops to be appreciative of their heroic efforts:
Or … Oh, jeeze, this is embarrassing. I think that was sarcasm! Haha, stupid NFL! You’re late season games are boring (note: scientifically proven to be not true). But for Minnesota fans, yeah, it’s gotten so bad that we are now ECSTATIC for Timberwolves season to start. Do you realize how pitiful that is? Good lord. Just move the football team right now. Get it over with.
Heading into halftime, this Tweet from @hummelcreative seemed to be rather scathing:
But who knew! That was EXACTLY what this team needed! A nice, calming presence in Leslie Frazier to get their heads straight again, refocused, ENERGIZED, and ready to hit the field to put up 14 points and give another 10 … when you’re already down by 17. Oh well! It was the thought that counted, right?! Leslie was just respecting his players by being so nice to them, by not raising his voice! They are grown men! They don’t need someone in their ear telling them what to do! Except Chris Cook … and Everson Griffen … And Charlie Johnson, but that’s just to tell him “F*CKING BLOCK SOMEONE,” nothing really serious or whatever.
This Tweet from @TCultureVulture in the second half got on the list pretty much based solely on the obscure reference:
I say obscure because who actually remembers “Mad About You?” No one. It’s not like Seinfeld where it’s on repeat every night on seven different channels (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But a Paul “Reisner” is still well earned. As far as OUR Reisner goes? No idea. The Vikings also just re-signed Mickey Shuler to the practice squad, which is probably a bad sign for Reisner. Dare we say he’s getting … canceled? #heshootshescores!
Finally, when something actually interesting and awesome happened in the game (specifically the Percy Harvin TD catch as well as the kick return), Vikings fans briefly remembered what it was like to have a team of interest. That moment, of course, was ruined by an amazing inbred fourth down call that was stuffed and shit on, which led to @10kLosses Tweet here:
It’s true! While I haven’t “officially” had my telegram returned from the Elias Sports Bureau, I feel pretty confident in confirming for every single reader in America that, yes, this was the only time in NFL history a team has had a 104-yard play and not scored a touchdown. Don’t have THAT one in your trophy case, now do you Packer trolls? WINNERS!!
In the end, @poonanner leaves us at least with a rallying cry for the rest of the season:
Yes, Percy, Your Highness, smoke yourself content. You’ve earned it.
Finally, we wrap this cry-fest up with the usual “ReTweet of the Game” where I get to loudly broadcast how funny I am to all five of you readers in a blatant attempt to fish for more Twitter followers. This week’s ReTweet is thanks to @CollegeWolf and my own hilarity (thanks to a timely Arrested Development reference):
In conclusion, thanks Jerry Sandusky for ruining every single seemingly innocent comment now made by football commentators everywhere. I can never again here “Filled the gap,” “A nice tight end,” “There’s the deep ball,” or many of the other variations that obviously sound like child rape. BURN IN HELL. But you, you shouldn’t burn in hell. You should continue to read Purple Jesus Diaries and follow us on various social media sites so we can all laugh, Tweet, chat, and comment together! So go follow us on Twitter, check us out on Facebook, and leave comments whenever you can because YOU don’t rape little boys, and deserve to live as such. Right? … Sorry, I honestly have no idea what that even means, just click the links. Thanks.