I’m not quite sure what the deal was on Sunday … Maybe it was because I had only eaten a Clif bar and Jack Daniels for sustenance in the last 20 hours, but I apparently had my attention grabbed by a great deal of tweets during the game about food. Oh, and “former coach” Brewster, who was just a god damn train wreck, almost worse than the Vikings. Actually, no, appropriately fitting of the Vikings. And that’s where we get this picture and food topic from; the convergence of Donovan McNabb’s fat rum-ham butt and Coach Brew, courtesy of the Star Tribune with a few artistic liberties to bring the LULZ. Also, check out the article written there about Coach Brew from Mr. Rand. Always a good read.
Now let’s get to it. This week the Tweets cover shitty coaches, shitty footballing, fat people and food, and creepy ass Gus Johnson. ALRIGHT!
We start with a tweet from @AllDeyApey whose off-handed fat joke got the better of me:
My enjoyment here really comes from the mental image I get of the coaches having to goad McDonovan into any type of successful play by enticing him with food. “Hey, Nice work, Donny-boy! Let’s see … on that drive you had two completions, 13 yards, and no turnovers. That equates to … two yellow Starburst, a State Fair mini donut, and one mini-Krackle. Congrats!” Then him, just jamming his gaping hole full of food while smearing the chocolate into his beard. Hahaha … fat people.
Next, we continue with the McNabb-fat-jokes with @VikingsRealist who provided insight into how to turn McDonovan’s play around on the sidelines:
*shudders* OK, we’ve done one mental image, now try this one. You just got off the field where it’s probably super hot, you’ve been running around sweating, horribly out of shape, wearing pads and unbreathable clothing, and you need replenishing on the sidelines. What do you do? Go for the Gatorade G27 series? Try some lukewarm tap water? OR DO YOU GO FOR THE GATORADE BOTTLE FULL OF GRAVY?! Holy shit, that would be the worst. Unless you’re McNabb, obviously.
We continue with @VikingAgeDan who noticed Mr. Brewster right away:
Truth. Is Brewster drunk? How could he even say that? The team was 0-3 and likely going to 0-4. I know there’s plenty of hyperbole in the NFL broadcast booth, but jesus, try not to flash your low IQ so blatantly. As Michael Rand noted, it’s this type of shit that probably caused several suicides among Minnesota sports fans this weekend. “Best DL in the league? WHY DID YOU GANG BANG MY COLLEGE TEAM, YOU FRAUD??!” I would hate to be a Gophers fan, largely because I’d be a cutter.
Continuing with the broadcast theme, @JoeNelsonKFAN tuned in with this:
I didn’t hear it myself (I think I was
masturbating doing homework at that time), but if someone has audial evidence, I would appreciate a link in the comments. And come on … NFL cheerleaders are about as sexy as keep a pair of heels in the testicles. I know some people are into that shit, but it’s few and far between, OK ladies?
Then there was this from @lobwedgeguy, who noticed the same hiccup in the broadcast that I did:
Really, FOX? I know we suck, but quit trying to make it so obvious. What, was Matt Millen not available to share his wisdom as well? No Tony Siragusa? How did we dodge that bullet? What I actually didn’t notice that this guy did was that the commercial break was put in between a third and fourth down. I for some reason thought it was fourth (what’s the difference with the Vikings, anyway …) and just thought it was odd. BUT AFTER A THIRD DOWN?? That’s bullshit, FOX. Get it together.
Remembering that there was an actual football game on, ESPN 1500′s @TomPelissero (I call him “Mr. V-Neck” as of about two minutes ago) brought this insight:
I just glazed over the stats because who gives a shit, we suck, but the two ugly girls in a pillow fight line got me. Truth is, if this game WAS two ugly girls in a pillow fight, they’d probably still weigh less than McNabb and still be much more fun to watch. Unless it’s Melissa McCarthy. Sure, maybe she’s funny and all, but come on … she’s just so fat. I can’t support that, both comedically and physically.
Finally, some guy (I’m assuming a Chiefs supporter) that goes by @justacoolcat shared this gem of the weekend:
And that pretty much sums up a Minnesota Vikings game in 2011. *starts car in garage, goes to sleep*
To wrap it up, this week’s “ReTweet of the Game“ where I check to see what clever, witty, charming, and hilarious comment I made during the game that just stole everyone’s hearts. This week, it appears I took the love of TWO followers, as resident reader @collegewolf and @jakewp11 were charmed by my racist observations:
Did no one else notice that though? “There’s Todd Haley and …” *cuts to a random black guy on the sidelines wearing purple* “And there’s …………………….” *Gus Johnson says nothing because he can tell black people apart* That’s exactly how it went. Amazing. American jobs at their finest.
Join us again next week as we’re assured to go 0-5 against the Cardinals. Can you imagine what type of Tweets will be out there during this game? Jesus, I can’t wait for the shit show. In the meantime follow us on Twitter, check us out on Facebook, and leave comments whenever you can because they make my pants feel an extra size smaller even though I haven’t gained any weight in 15 years. #truestory So ……. Let’s do this again next week!