UNDISPUTABLE TRUTH THAT THE VIKINGS ARE TRYING TO LOSE

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I don’t know if you guys have noticed this yet or not, but I have been getting this creeping suspicion that the Minnesota Vikings are actually trying to lose this upcoming year. No, it has nothing to do with the fact that they hired a left tackle who was fired from protecting Peyton Manning’s blind side, nor the fact that they traded promptly for an overweight quarterback who was benched for Sexy Rexy last year. No, no. Those moves are much too obvious. I’m more concerned about some of the subtle moves you see going on, like the two following.

From a recent Star Tribune blog we first have this item:

Christian Ponder, the 12th overall draft pick, will start the game and be followed by Joe Webb as the two of them take their battle for the No. 2 position down to the final week of the preseason.

And then from The Viking Age (and other various outlets) we learn this:

The Vikings will use Thursday’s preseason finale to look at Everson Griffen at linebacker, weak-side linebacker to be specific.

Really? We’ve already given up this early, team?

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Oh, sure. It’s only the preseason, you say. Doesn’t matter. A team as bad as ours needs to try and win every single game we can, preseason or not. And really? You need a fourth game where you start Pondexter to decide whether or not he throws like an armless girl? I could have told you that after one. And your only other real threat at defensive end, you’re going to move him to an outside linebacker position and try to have him stay step for step with tall, speed burning tight ends and slot receivers as tall as goblins? Smart move, coaches. I could have sworn Childress took the reigns back, but these moves are almost too stupid for him!

And if you are as shocked by these shake-ups as I was, you better hold on to your butts when you hear about the other proposed roster moves that only PJD has gotten a hold of, amazingly:

  • Since Asher Allen can’t stop anyone from catching footballs, the coaches are using that logic to assume no one can stop him from CATCHING balls, so they’re moving him to receiver
  • Since Tyrell Johnson doesn’t like to get hit or tackle, they are going to start him as punter so if he makes any contact with opposing players it automatically becomes an additional 15-yards for the team
  • In an effort to build stadium support in the state, the coaches are going to try a starting line-up one game of Ponder, Gerhart, Dugan at FB, Sausage at TE, Sullivan, Hutch, Cook, Camarillo (close enough) and then Kluwe as a flex position player good for tackle, receiver and emergency quarterback.
  • Team doctors have begun the process of surgically combining Erin and EJ Henderson into a Frankenstein linebacker in the hopes of having at least on linebacker who can play his position well (ICE BURN!)
  • Knowing full well the team won’t win a Super Bowl before Sir Winfield turns 45, the team has politely granted his request to let him weep openly in the locker room
  • In an effort to build confidence and strength in the defensive line, players are now allowed to stare openly at Karl Dunbar’s face, with the understanding that they will have to defend themselves individually when he starts beating their ass for looking too long

Have you guys heard of any other crazy team or roster moves? Put them in the comments, and let’s at the very least hope these coaches know what they’re doing!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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