Vikings 2011 Schedule Review: Not a Win to be Seen

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On Tuesday evening of this week, the NFL released the official 2011 NFL schedule for all teams. Highlights for those other teams that suck balls include the Packers and the Saints opening up the season on a Thursday night, September 8 at Lambeau, and terrorists if you’re listening, there would never be a better time. Oh, speaking of terrorists, the 9/11 disaster is going to be commemorated (?) by having the Giants play the Redskins in Washington and the Jets hosting the Cowboys in New York. It’s really subtle, I’ll explain it to you after class.

But no one gives a shit about these assholes. What does the Vikings schedule look like in 2011? Assuming, of course there is a 2011 season, because there may not be, or at the very least many of these games may be canceled, in which case this whole review probably won’t mean anything because some dates may get pushed back or games canceled or … you know what, let’s just jump to the review:

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/vikings2011schedulehighlights.pngSome quick notes:
- This team is clearly filled with shitty players. We get to prime time games against both the Bears (Sunday Night) and the Packers (Monday Night, coming off of a bye week), both of which we’ll lose and look like cum dumpsters in. Can’t wait!

- The team’s strength of schedule is ranked as the 12th hardest. That’s EXACTLY what we need to have a turn-around season!

- The farthest game the team travels to is in San Diego, first week of the season. Nice. That means McKinnie’s fat ass can not worry about losing weight by having to lug his shit through airport terminals.

- The Vikings website that has the schedule all laid out is actually really neat. You can get specific game details by clicking on the yellow or purple path on the maps, vote on games, see which teams are chosen and why, and pull up other teams’ schedules from the same page. Stellar web-interactive work, NFL! At least you homos get something right.

- We only get two games broadcast on CBS. That’s too bad, because Fox is fucking terrible, their announcers suck, and I hate that god damn robot. CBS has Gus Johnson (boner!) and for some reason it always seems like some magical treat to watch the Vikings on the typically AFC network. It’s like watching soccer or something but having it be interesting.

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Game by Game Break Down: Download a PDF of the schedule HERE.

WEEK 1 – @Chargers, 3:15 PM: Well, this will be an early loss. Rivers will throw laser faces all over our young, confused secondary and drop us to 0-1 early. However, football will be back (maybe!) so this game gets a thumbs up.

WEEK 2Bucs, Noon: The Bucs are turning into something swell, and Josh Freeman could easily smoke this defense as well. Also, watch out for possible deaths as the Metrodome roof could easily collapse during the first regular season NFL game back in it.

WEEK 3 – Lions, Noon: Oh weird, the Vikings and Lions play each other at Noon? Depending on who the Lions draft, they may, EASILY, become a favorite over the Vikings. Really, all it takes is one player. I’m excited for this game though, because I like what the Lions are doing too.

WEEK 4 – @Chiefs, Noon: Arrowhead Stadium is a badass stadium to play in, and there’s something about the Chiefs and Vikings that I like together. It’s probably just the red v. purple. Nice early season game to likely ruin our already dead season.

WEEK 5 – Cardinals, Noon: I hate playing the Cardinals again. It’s like a match-up of two teams that should clearly be better than they are but that will obviously suck. The Cardinals are apparently the new Giants, who we played every year for an entire decade. BOO.

WEEK 6 – @Bears, 7:20 PM Sunday: Our first prime time game, and it’ll be interesting to see how NBC spins this match-up when we’re already 0-5 and out of the race. The return of Frazier to Chicago? Will Cutler have a ovarian cancer by this point in the season? MUST WATCH TV!

WEEK 7 – Packers, 3:15 PM: Packers, Vikings, it’ll be fun to watch for about a quarter until then bench Rodgers because he already has 7 TDs on our defense.

WEEK 8 – @Panthers, Noon: This game is on October 30, so it’ll be the Halloween game, which also means the cheerleaders will dress up in sexy outfits, and that’s fantastic that we’re playing in Carolina because of that whole lesbian cheerleader thing they had going on. Also, we may get to see Cam Newton, right? Cool.

WEEK 9 – BYE (WIN?) Although this is obviously no guarantee.

WEEK 10 – @Packers, 7:30 PM Monday: Another prime time match-up that really will just showcase our opponents talents. It IS Monday Night Football against the Packers, which is always a hot mess, so I anticipate this one being no different, meaning, the night will still end in salty tears.

WEEK 11 – Raiders, Noon: The Raiders? Playing the Raiders is weird. I don’t know why. Have they even found a new coach yet?

WEEK 12 – @Falcons, Noon: Musgrave returns to face his pupil! ….. Uh, that’s about it.

WEEK 13 – Broncos, 3:05 PM: I hope I don’t have to watch Tebow play. Also, I just fucking hate the Broncos uniforms. Stand looking like clowns, assholes.

WEEK 14 – @Lions, Noon: Lions, Vikings, another noon game. Since it’s at Ford Field I’m assuming this is another home game for us?

WEEK 15 – Saints, Noon: Ugh. The Saints are going to be coming to the Metrodome and will probably remark how the Dome looks like it got hit by Katrina, and then they’ll all start laughing like smart asses before Brees throws TDs all over us by standing on a stepping stool.

WEEK 16 – @Redskins, Noon: Well, this game will obviously be flexed so that the nation can see Donovan McNabb return to the Redskins as a Viking and win. WAIT, WHAT??!!

Week 17 – Bears, Noon: Just end us already. If I’ve learned anything though, it’s that the Bears give up at the end of the season, so maybe we can at least go 1-0.

There you have it. You got some mediocre games and some minorly interesting games, kind of, to look forward to in case there is an NFL season in 2011. Which ones tickle your pants serpent the most? Let us know in the comments.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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