Since being drafted by the Minnesota Vikings in 2009, wide receiver Percy Harvin has battled numerous health issues in route to becoming a dynamic player in the NFL. While he has suffered from minor twists, turns, bruises and hits like many other NFL players, most notably of concern for Harvin has been his significant battle with migraines, an issue which has plagued him since kindergarten yet was kept tightly under wraps while playing football in college. The scare really came of note last fall, however, when Harvin collapsed on the Vikings practice field after being surprised with another attack.
Luckily, cautiously, Harvin appears to be migraine free in 2011 thanks in large part to Doctor Booty.
For more on this breaking medical research, we turn to Dr. Booty himself:
“Oh, yeah, man it’s been absolutely remarkable the turn around that Percy has had with his migraines and how they went from like OH MY GOD MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE AND READY TO GO INTO ITSELF LIKE A BLACKHOLE to now him being like, oh hey man, do you have a little headache and maybe need some aspirin or something because my head is fine and in fact I think I’m ready to go out there and get knocked around a couple of times by a head hunting safety because guess who is migraine free? THIS GUY!”
“I know a lot of people are curious about how a doctor like me could have discovered a cure to Percy’s migraines when so many other well respected doctors from places like the Mayo Clinic, NYU, and Aftermath Records have looked at him and been totally stumped, and I get that, dude, I totally see where you’re coming from and I want you to know that I don’t take it as a personal slight against me that you’re suspicious about someone who has just been practicing to study medicine by reading Web MD when it starts burning when I pee, but if I can say so myself, I think I’m pretty well qualified, at least now, because look who solved the rubiks cube of the medical community and look who didn’t? Oh, who did? Just this guy who threw seven touchdown passes in a Rose Bowl game and went 9-0 in a football career against top 25 ranked teams while you other doctor nerds were sitting around reading your text books and looking at your Japanese tentacle porn, not to say that’s wrong or that I, or really any man, hasn’t done that, but I’m just stating facts here about how hard you worked and how you didn’t solve Percy’s migraine problem and how little I did anything in college except study horticulture and bang out Song Girls on the regular, but hey, we’re both happy now as adults, so it shouldn’t really matter.”
“But back to the point, because I know exactly what everyone is thinking about how Dr. Booty (I totally love that name, by the way, even though I don’t think I can legally be called that unless I legally change my first name to Doctor, but like hell if I’m willingly going to step foot in a court room) helped Percy get rid of his migraines, about how everyone is going to make a joke about how this doughy football star from Southern California probably hooked Harvin up with some of the dankest kind bud this side of the Canadian border, about how I corrupted him and turned him from finding legit medical means to solving his problem and told him he should just keep smoking some of that sweet, sweet green seed and all of his troubles will go away like he was Dorothy coming home, except the shit would be in like high definition and filmed in 3D, like Avatar 3D and not Clash of the Titans 3D, except he wouldn’t be an audience member, he would actually be the movie STAR, and his migraine problems would disappear …”
“Well, I don’t remember what I was talking about, but I’ve started smoking some weed with Percy again and BOOM, he doesn’t have any migraines. Not that hard to figure out, nerd brains. Let the guy get high so he can play football. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some very important papers to color.”