In a ground breaking study released early Monday morning by a group of local scientists in lab coats and a few wearing spectacles, they discovered a phenomenon in the state of Wisconsin not seen since 1996; consensual human intercourse between a male and female.
Reports started filtering in to the local sheriff’s office around 10:30 PM on Sunday night, as women across the state of Wisconsin were dialing their nearby police officers in a panic. Said one female resident, Sheryl, “I didn’t know what to think. My husband came at me in the evening stumbling and leering like he usually only does with the goats out back, and then we went into the bedroom for 20, 30 seconds before he fell asleep and wet himself. I called the police because I didn’t know if he had a heart attack, and why my stomach was all wet and sticky. They said he was probably just ‘tired’ and that we may have had a form of sexual intercourse.”
From Madison, to Osceola, to Amery and Chippewa Falls, men of all ages were apparently able to achieve an erection for the first time in over 15 years. “It was remarkable” Agnus recalled, when discussing her husband’s advances on her. “He had me strip naked and then took this green number 12 jersey off of his back, made me wear it, and told me ‘Yur just’has purty as Aaron is, ain’t ya?’ That’s when he … well I think you call it ejaculating … and then told me to get back in the kitchen and pretend this never happened.”
Scientists are careful and deliberate in trying to ascertain why exactly this unique occurrence happened. Some are quick to look towards the Super Bowl victory of Wisconsin’s football team on Sunday in Super Bowl 45. Research has shown when a game or event that people put a lot of time and emotion into reaches it’s desired conclusion, feelings of superiority, delusions of grandeur, and fits of hysteria can overtake the person before their own reality comes crashing back to remind them that they are hopeless, fat, demented, unintelligent, closeted homosexuals who would immediately be pushed down a flight of stairs by a professional football player. But for one night, these illusions seem frighteningly real for these people. Sometimes, it can even cause harm.
“Yeah, Cleetus bit my arm while he was trying to fondle with my bra” Said Jean, a resident of Star Prairie. “I told him just to sit and wait a minute while I figured it out for him. I was excited, because I remember the ’96 Intercourse Mystery and figured it was another Blue Moon tonight, so I was getting ready to get the tweezers out and find his little two inch prick, but when I turned around ready to go he had already passed out on the bed with my body pillow between his legs like he was humping it, saying something like ‘Oh McCarthy, don’t ever leave me.’ So I just shit in his stupid cheese head instead.”
While research continues today, and will likely continue into the week, scientists are already predicting that this fluke behavior won’t continue, and have unfortunately had to warn and remind these jubilant women that these actions are clearly outliers and should not be considered the norm. “We’ve had to tell them to be prepared for their husbands and sons in some cases to spend more time back in the pull barns and at the VFW’s like usual” Said Scientist Van Brocklin. “We’ve had to keep their expectations in check and alert them this probably won’t happen again in their lifetime, so we hope they enjoyed the 30 seconds of sexual activity.”