In a conversation that must have felt totally natural and heterosexual to him, Aaron Rodgers went on a Canadian podcast this last week called “Cabbie Presents:
Softcore Gay Porn Talk The Podcast” and just talked about how much he loves dude’s butts. Well, at least dude’s butts that belong to his former and current centers. No joke:
|“There’s two main components that a center needs to have, and it’s not quickness or agility or snapping or anything,” Rodgers said. “It’s two things: One, he has to have a good height, and I’m talking about where his butt rests. It can’t be too low because I don’t wanna get deep in that stance and it can’t be too high so I feel like I’m standing up. It’s gotta be just right. [Jeff Saturday has] got that. … Scott Wells, my previous center [and] Jeff Saturday — great height. Great butt height.|
Yes, I love having a nice butt sit at just the right height. It’s perfect for a person to slide right in behind it, softly place your hands beneath the cheeks, not feel like your squatting over a toilet seat that’s been peed on, but not so high that your legs are locked like you’re standing nervously at a wedding. Nice butt, lofty butt. Good girth, probably, too. That’s fantastic. “Butt” that’s not all:
On the SECOND most important thing about a center’s butt, he had this to say:
|And the second is most important, and that’s sweating. How much do they sweat? The worst thing that you can have is third, fourth quarter on a October day where it’s 65, 70 degrees and he’s sweating through his pants. Because that is not a situation you wanna be in.”
Rodgers says centers can prevent such problems by changing their pants at halftime, something Packers backup center Evan Dietrich-Smith has apparently had to do:
“He has major sweat issues,” Rodgers told Cabbie. “And when you get that ball snapped up and there’s a lot of sweat that just splashes all over you and on your hands and the ball — it’s not a good situation. So he actually has changed at halftime before. So those are the two things you look for: butt height and sweating. Jeff’s doing really well in both categories. … Low sweat ratio and solid butt height.”
Can I make a t-shirt out of that? It’s not copywritten or anything, is it? “Aaron Rodgers looking for in a man: Low sweat ratio, solid butt height.” Would sell like hot pants.
Also, re-read these quotes and tell me you’re mind isn’t going straight to the shitter. Sweat splashing all over your hands and balls? Changing of pants? Major sweat issues? Yes, it’s TOTALLY not a situation you want to be in Rodgers. You convinced me!
Yet that’s just the thing. Is Rodgers reverse trolling everyone? Is he really gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and he just hyper-homosexualizes his conversations to make everyone wonder about it and then plays it off like, “Ha, tricked you bro, you’re gay for thinking so much about it. I’ve just been slaying babes that look like Clay Matthews for years, not dudes!” Supreme quarterbacking and trolling talent, truly.
Of course, him also dropping these lines in the interview doesn’t help much either:
|When asked who his entourage would include if he were a boxer: “I don’t know if I can give you any names, but it’d have to be just two big, humongously buff black dudes,” he said, laughing. “And then three or four good-looking chicks. … We gotta put the ladies out front, and the two big black dudes on either side of me as my, like, security. But they’d be like famous dudes or just super buff.”|
“OH, DEFINITELY BLACK DUDES, HUGE ONES OF COURSE and I guess some ladies, totally can’t forget about them, I guess.”
Still, he’s a good fucking quarterback. I’d take him on our team, but I don’t think he’d like it. I’m afraid John Sullivan has to low of a butt height. God damn hobbit.