Allow Me to Prepare My Noose Right Now

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Presented to you without any fakey, make-believey quote edits, for once, courtesy of Vikings Age and Adam Schefter, who definitely looks smarmy as a an over-sexed weasel, but also somehow reliably knows his shit and doesn’t typically just blow people to work his lips, if you catch my meaning. If you don’t, I’m trying to say he may have some truth behind this, which really chaps my anus:

Schefter has suggested over the past few weeks that the Vikings might look at people other than Kalil with their pick. But in a Wednesday Q&A available only to ESPN Insider subscribers, Schefter put his money on the table and said he believes the Vikings will pass on Kalil.

God lord, Vikings, really?

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Now, this isn’t to say the Vikings are FOR SURE going to pass on Matt Kalil. No one is saying that because obviously no one knows. But as the Vikings Age points out in their post, there are plenty of reasons to believe Schefter’s take on this situation. As mentioned, Shefter continually has good NFL sources that don’t jerk his chain like people do with Todd McShay, that little shit weasel. And Schefter frequently will walk a professional line between breaking news and reporting rumor and innuendo. He usually plays it safe and trusts his people, so when he breaks player or pick trades on draft day, he’s usually right and light years ahead of people. So, he’s got a track record, he ain’t no fool, and he knows the right people. If Schefter don’t know, we don’t know.

And that’s the worst part. How can the Vikings not know right now? If it’s a matter of them not being sure if they want to trade the #3 pick for, say, Cam Newton and the New York Giants offensive line somehow, then OK, I get it. But since that’s not actually possible and no one would make that trade, I’m honestly hesitant to say that I would trade the pick for any reason whatsoever. You take Kalil, and don’t worry about a left tackle for 10 YEARS. Do you know how long ten years is? It’s like forever. It’ll be longer than Purple Jesus’ NFL career, I’ll tell you that (and then go cry myself to sleep). It’ll be longer than Justin Blackmon’s silence because he’s not getting enough passes thrown his way in three years. It’s a worthy investment, and just the right move, and the fact that the Vikings haven’t settled on that I just … Oh god … I’m going to murder someone.

So please, Schefter, be wrong for once. And Vikings? Don’t give me a reason to break out my spiked bat and swing it at your collective nuts. I’d hate to have to bring that thing out of retirement.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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