In a move that shocked the entire football world, young Minnesota Vikings cornerback Asher Allen announced his retirement from football on Wednesday. Vikings Head Coach Leslie Frazier said “I’m surprised; I didn’t see that coming. But everybody has to make decisions that are best for them.” Just 24 years old, set to make over $600,000 this year, and still a young prospect in the NFL, Allen has decided to leave the game he loved to explore other options.
In a completely unrelated note, Minnesota Vikings cornerback Marcus Sherels declared this week to be the best of his entire life.
“Yeah man, I don’t quite know what it is this week, I’m just feeling really good,” Sherels said after the teams’ Organized Team Activities this week in Minnesota. “I’ve been having a real solid couple of days, and I just can’t put my finger on it. I didn’t burn my toast yesterday morning, I was offered a role in an upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman sequel that is only focusing on the dwarfs, I found a $20 bill on the sidewalk a couple of nights ago, and even pulled off a perfect pump at the gas station today. I guess I’m just feeling lucky.”
Asher Allen leaving the team certainly has opened up opportunity for players like Sherels, newly signed veterans like Zack Bowman and Chris Carr, wide eyed returning player Brandon Burton, and even incoming rookie hopefuls like Josh Robinson, Bobby Felder, and others fighting to make the squad. While Sherels said he heard something about a retiring player, he thought it was just Brett Favre news again.
“Oh, I don’t really pay attention to any of that, I’m just here to play football,” Sherels said after he hung up with his cable company. “I may be having a lucky week, my future may be looking a bit brighter right now, but it’s really all because of hard work. Like if I wouldn’t have answered that random phone number that wasn’t in my contacts, I never would have chatted with Comcast and taken advantage of a wonderful opportunity to reduce my monthly bill. They’re even kicking in HBO for six months for free! What a deal!”
While the news of Allen’s retirement may come as a blow to an already depleted secondary for the Vikings, Sherels said he’s not worried about what others do.
“I know football is a team sport and everything, but I know if I keep working I’ll make my way on to the field this season and help the team,” he said as he found the last slice of Pizza Luce saved for him in the break room at Winter Park. “With my hard work, I’m sure I’ll have an opportunity to catch a tipped ball and return it for a touchdown, or take a kickoff through a once-in-a-lifetime gap and maybe even set a distance record. You never know what can happen.”
“I just hope my luck carries through to this upcoming season!”
*Psst! This post is satire! Amazingly, no one said any of this, really!