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Bucs vs. Vikings: PJD’s Masturbatory Game Eight Preview

Percy Harvin Show

Show No Mercy, Percy: Hey guys, welcome to a Thursday night, kind-of prime time game day/evening. I say kind of, because not everyone has the NFL Network, where this game is being shown on across the country. So unless you live in Minnesota or Tampa Bay (and really, who would want to live in either of those frozen poop stains or sweaty under cheese locations?!), it's not a guarantee that you'll see the game. But some may! The rich people, definitely, who pay stupid sums for Dish Network and have their signal wiped out and the sneeze of a butterfly, or the poor people, who suffer those same ills, but eventually get their satellite cut because they forgot to pay their bill, because they're poor and shit. Those people will see this game, and those people will likely see why Percy Harvin is as legit a candidate for the MVP award this season as any old crotch head, white QB on a mediocre team. What, you want to give it to Matt Ryan? BORING! And probably racist. No, tonight is when Percy shines, and people swoon over his magnificence.

Getting a win for the team wouldn't be bad, either.

Thanks to KILLERCHEF from Rube Chat once again for another great game day preview graphic!

Josh Freeman

Why I Hate the Bucs! I always forget that the Bucs and Vikings use to play in the same division. Whoever decided that was the right call is an idiot, but that is neither here nor there. Clearly, I will never forgive them for beating the Vikings in the 1998 season, ruining our shot at a perfect record. Also, it's the curse of the Bucs (which I think has since been broken? But I don't give a real shit to look it up), where no team has won a Super Bowl if they lose to the Bucs during the regular season. Seriously, Tampa? That's a stupid curse to have. And also, go screw yourself, Josh Freeman. And no, it doesn't have anything to do with him being the most obviously gay player in the NFL, and everything with him having spurned Nebraska for his college ball and then going to Kansas State, where he proceeded to get his fro'd mop pushed back so hard it came out as neck hair.

These are all good reasons to hate Tampa Bay, but if you have a separate reason yourself, feel free to share it in the comments.

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This is the God Damn Worst Thing I Have Ever Seen, Ever: Ever wonder why the Vikings haven't won a Super Bowl? Why we can't have nice things? It's because you idiots do shit like this. Oh, sure, I'd like to blame it ALL on KFAN, for finally latching on to an international meme five months too late, or elbow Chris Hawkey in the rib cage with a knowing smile that his singing skills leave something to be desired, or even Common Man for lowering himself to these peasant standards. Also, Meat Sauce's fat ass doesn't help either. You're not even fat, you piece of shit, you're just slovenly. Go to the gym or some shit. But no, they're just blowing the company dildo that is the evil empire Clear Channel. They're suppose to suck. And they do, if you ever bother to listen to the Super Star Mike Morris' morning broadcast. But YOU. YOU FANS. Damn you all. You fat, trashy, uncoordinated, poorly maintained facial hair wearing, obnoxiously dressed, self important, shit smearing Vikings fans. Show yourself some god damn respect, and then maybe we'll get what we should have had a long, long time ago, in a Super Bowl win. I swear, SWEAT TO GOD, if we lose tonight, it's because of this shit. What is it to whoop anyone Vikings style? Give up a lot of prevent defense yards and touchdowns in the end to make the score closer than it needs to be? Dink and dunk down the field because we lack any semblance of a downfield passing attack? THRILLING! LET'S WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT! I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Christian Ponder

"What's the Deal with Christian Ponder?!" I looked hard for a Seinfeld YouTube collection of him saying "What's the deal..?!" over and over again, but it just didn't happen. NBA sucks like that. We wouldn't want anyone to share your content and talk about your programs, new and super old now, would we?! Free advertising? What is this, the future?! Regardless, there's been a lot of gum gnashing from Vikings fans who finger blast their cousins (probably) about how they are giving up on Ponder because of his poorly played last few games, you know, where the team is still 5-2. On one hand, I agree that he's showed some poor decisions, weak passes, and behavior on the field (tossing it away straight to a defender? OK.) that has been detrimental to the team … Buuuuuttt, he JUST finished playing his 16th NFL game. Maaayyybeee we should let him try a bit more? Christ, idiots let TarVar literally tug his turtle out on the field for four years for us. I think we can probably give Ponder like, a year and a half. AT LEAST.

Dolan Comic

Dolan of the Week: For this week's Dolan Comic, we're bringing you something amazing. It's a College Gameday sign from when they were, apparently, in Gainseville for a Florida Gator game. A Florida fan must have put this together and got it on camera to tell Oregon Ducks fans to shut the hell up about their whining of being jumped in BCS rankings. It's pretty close to the coolest thing I've seen in months (aside from that woman with two vaginas). I think at this point, the only thing that could top this, or at least the marriage of Dolan and sports, would be if someone got a Dolan sign like this on after a Packers and Vikings game where we beat them, and it had Dolan's face and a caption like, "Puckrs pls, iz Vikinz." I would pay you a billion internet credits, redeemable for one poorly done photoshopped image of your choosing. GET TO WORK, MINIONS!!

Balvenie 15 year single barrel

Scotch of the Week: Scrapping the bottle of the scotch barrel, so to speak, until I decide to go buck wild and start buying bottles of scotch like I'm a full blown alcoholic. The way this stressful season has been going, that may happen sooner than later, so no worries. In the meantime, I'm revisiting the wonderful Balvenie family with this Balvenie 15-year Single Barrel scotch. From Speyside, this Highland scotch is uniquely crafted, much like the shirtless body of Christian Ponder, and only aged in a single barrel, usually of bourbon. The linked review says that the Scotch Master (best job title ever?) is very particular in which barrels are selected to be bottled, with no two barrels every being the exact same in flavor profile. What this leaves you with then is a Balvenie that has some of the typical family tasting notes (honey, vanilla, oakey notes), but a like uniqueness from the single bourbon cask. Usually the double barrel version will be aged in a Sherry cask, which gives it sweeter notes when tasting. This Single Cask says "SCREW YOU PUSSY!" to that shit, and hits you hard with the bourbon flavors instead. It's not bad, bringing a little clover, honey, and even some savory and tropical fruit qualities to it, but like all Balvenie scotch's, it's nice but nothing to make your dick hard over. A safe scotch, if you will.

Shirtless Christian Ponder

Shirtless Viking of the Week: I found something pretty amazing this last week. After the Vikings and Cardinals game, the Minnesota Vikings Facebook page posted an "exclusive" video post-game in the locker room, where they gave out the game ball, and Big Leslie shared some words with the team. I didn't care for any of that, obviously, because all I could think of was "VIKING PLAYERS IN A LOCKER ROOM?! SHIRTLESS TIME!" And for the most part I was correct. As you can see, I nabbed a decent Shirtless Christian Ponder shot bringing people to the amaze-balls gun show, and also got one of a Shirtless Chris Kluwe standing next to Blair Walsh, who also looks shirtless, but is also just so damn small I can barely tell. Either way, the bros are having fun in the locker room. If I had to guess, I would wager that these types of videos are going to become a treasure trove of Shirtlessness. LATHER UP, BROS!

Primetime Predictions: I went to a Monday Night Football game once at the Metrodome, all the way back in 2006 when we started the year 4-2, heading into a Week 8 game against the Patriots. For some reason, people – much like in 2012 – were CONVINCED that despite losing two games, this Vikings team really had potential. Brad Johnson was the steady veteran manning the helm, Chester Taylor looked like a legit starting running back, and we had just put up 31 points on the Seahawks … And then Tom Brady and Bill Belichick just prison groped us, spread us out all over the field, gave wedgies to our defense, pimp slapped our offense, and started us on a four game losing streak that ended in a 6-10 record. BARF.

Do I think this is going to happen again against the Bucs? No, not necessarily. Josh Freeman is no Tom Brady, and Greg Schiano is a huge cunt. I mean, so is Belichick, but at least I can respect him for having won big before. My real worry is that this team may be too amped up, and we'll see the bad Vikings from this year turn out. However, all the evidence says differently. This year, Thursday Night home teams have won like five of the seven games I believe, the Bucs are terrible, and these games that come on a short week always end up being ugly games. Coincidence that the Vikings love playing in ugly games and winning them this year?! … No, it's actually pretty much our MO. But because of that, I actually like our chances. I think the stupid fans I was making fun of earlier bring the heat, the defense plays well, Percy does just enough to save our ass, and we sneak out a win. I also kind of just think that this team is too stupid to know they're playing in a big game, on a national stage, meaning they're too stupid to get rattled by the situation. That's a good thing! With my current prediction record of 4-3 after incorrectly guessing how last week would play out, I hope we snatch this win and push my own record to 5-3.

Enjoy the game, folks. No one get thrown in prison tonight, OK? If you're stuck at home, we'll have a game thread up at about 6:00 PM, so come join the conversation. See you then.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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