While hundreds of young men were having their dreams come true over the weekend by being drafted into the NFL, one player for the Minnesota Vikings was keeping busy elsewhere. Running Back Caleb King, native of Georgia who also played football for the University of Georgia, was arrested for “suspicion of third-degree assault with substantial bodily harm.” …. Huh? To the police reports!
According to a statement issued by the Anoka County Sheriff’s Office, the alleged victim is hospitalized with a skull fracture, facial fractures and injuries that required more than 50 stitches to close; and a possibly “very serious” brain injury.
The incident allegedly happened at the birthday party of a female friend of King’s in Oak Grove. King denied assaulting the man to police, saying the man simply fell to the ground while they were speaking.
Are you shitting me?
OK. We’re all very intelligent and totally heterosexual people here who can use logic and rationalization to REALLY figure out what happened here. I think when we do this it becomes pretty obvious:
- Caleb King was out in Anoka County because he was on his way to a relaxing weekend in Duluth.
- He got lost along the way and ended up at a female friend’s birthday party in Oak Grove. He saw a lake nearby and figured that any lake north of Minneapolis must be one of the Great Lakes. He doesn’t know these things, after all. He DID receive his education from an SEC school.
- While in Oak Grove, he was asked to perform a stand up comedy act at a local bar as part of the birthday festivities because a patron thought he looked like Eddie Murphy.
- Caleb King totally does not look like Eddie Murphy. If anything, he looks a little bit like Old Dirty Bastard with that beard.
- King was in a jovial mood so obliged and told so poor pun jokes while on stage, including:
- “You know what sausage I hate? German sausages. They’re the wurst.”
- “Did you ever meet the guy who survived the mustard gas and pepper spray attack? He’s a real seasoned veteran.”
- “Do you guys want to know how I got out of Iraq? Iran.”
- After entertaining the early evening crowd, King stepped down from the stage to uproarious applause and appreciation.
- He visited the bar and ordered a TOTALLY non-alcoholic beverage, like a Sprite or 1919 Root Beer, both excellent choices.
- He stayed around long enough to enjoy the “Northern Minnesota” evening weather and eventually stepped outside to search for a roaring fire with marshmallows to make S’Mores
- Finding one, he approached a young man who was playing an acoustic guitar outside of a neighbors house.
- They shared delectable treats, sang camp fire songs from King’s native Georgia, and laughed heartily into the evening.
- The young lad remarked that King did an admirable job at the bar’s comic show, saying he was reminded of a young Eddie Murphy.
- King thanked him for the kind compliment, but was abashed. No one had ever compared him to someone so great before!
- As many hours passed, the lad apologized for having to leave.
- King walked the individual to his car, chatting like old friends the entire way.
- Upon saying their good byes when the lads friend rode up in a car to provide a ride, King had a change of heart concerning his shyness.
- He motioned for the car to stop, asking the lad to roll down his window.
- The window was stuck, so the kid told King to move around to the driver side to share his thoughts.
- Approaching the driver’s side of the car, King thanked the lad for making him feel very special this evening and offered to sign his acoustic guitar.
- The lad was so ecstatic and amazed that he lept over his driver friend, tumbled clumsily from the car, and did damage to his head all by himself while falling from the car in a most unfortunate manner.
- King, acting responsibly, immediately dialed 9-1-1.
- Helping the kid up, he dropped his phone and was not able to place the call himself, but he knew a GPS signal would sent for help.
- Steadying the lad until authorities arrived, King and him laughed some more while King held his side of the promise and signed his acoustic guitar.
- The end.
So as you can see, it was all just a big misunderstanding. Luckily for Caleb King, his employer – the Minnesota Vikings – tend to have cooler heads than others do. When frightful news of this ilk leaks into the public, they do not respond with the first story they hear. They let the law take it’s process and offer the alleged perpetrator a comforting sense of community and family to find solace in. As well as bail money. So they can keep playing football. And make more tons of money. Because the Vikings only employ people who are innocent.
So don’t worry. Caleb King will return in 2012 backing up Toby Gerhart just like we expect. The only difference? He’ll be MUCH more careful about when he’s offering to sign something for his fans!