shirtless chris kluwe OUT 002

Cardinals vs. Vikings: PJD’s Masturbatory Game Seven Preview

Ponder Cardinals

Red Zone Against the Red Team: I saw a stat today that said – outside of that first game of the season against the woeful Jacksonville Jaguars – Purple Jesus has gone five straight games without a rushing touchdown. Or any touchdown, for that matter. This, in fact, is a new career high, and not one that is a positive record holder. This is also reflective of just how craptastic our offense has been in the red zone this year, and frankly, there isn't a good reason for it at all. It's not like we got Spergeon Wynn, Bobby Wade, and Lorenzo Booker out there. We can toss fades to our massive tight end Kyle Rudolph, or sock people straight in their gullet with, you know, only the best running back in the game. But we haven't done that this season, especially as we painfully saw last week against the Redskins. However, all indications this week have pointed to the fact that the coaches may have *learned* something about that foible, and are set to correct it, if found in a similar situation. Does this mean that Purple Jesus will be able to do his touchdown celebration again? Will we see Ponder Gunfingaz? Will this squad just score, put a heel into someone's esophagus, and win a damn game comfortably already? If ever we were supposed to, I guess it would be this one against the Cardinals. Prep they anus, John Skelton. Let's get it on. In a NOT gay way, though … Maybe.

Thanks to KILLERCHEF from Rube Chat for another great game preview graphic!

Kevin Kolb Dead

Kevin Kolb is Pretty Much a Walking Dead Zombie: Last week, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb got turd bagged something solid, and had to leave the game. Turns out, he got pretty seriously injured, as Adam Schefter eventually reported on Tuesday that he "had multiple ribs detach from his sternum as well as suffering a sprained sternoclavicular joint in his chest area." What in the absolute hell does that even mean? First, I guess I get ribs being detached from your sternum. That just means you can finally joe blob your own flesh flute. But a sprained stegosaurus? Or whatever? That sounds bad. Real bad. Although, it's likely not any worse than Kolb's face, as it is. BOOM! As is, the Vikings now get to play against John Skelton. That's like a perfect Halloween name. It makes me think of skeletons, which, obviously, is all that will be left of him after the Vikings are finished tenderizing his butthole this weekend.

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I Think I'm Over 2003: Remember that play? That heart breaking moment? I'll never forget my buddy hugging the door frame in my old college apartment like he was helplessly watching someone violate his mother instead. I thought it was soooooo funny how Paul Allen had a memorable call from that game … Until I realized I don't like Paul Allen when he calls games, and that sound bite just finger blasts my ear drums instead. And then there are all the times we've shit on them since then, albeit in lesser circumstances. Matt Leinart days? TarVar throwing for 4 touchdowns against them? They did break EJ Henderson's leg, and beat Old Man Silver Fox up, but that was more of a gift to me than anything (The Favre thing, not the Henderson thing), so I guess that's a wash. Point being, there was a point in time where I wanted to shoot my face off when thinking about playing the Cardinals, but now? Meh. I don't even care that they've been to a Super Bowl more recently than us. That was with Kurt Warner. Their appearance is invalid. They suck, still. Everyone move on.

Jerome Simpson

Will Jerome Simpson Play? Last week, Vikings wide receiver Jerome Simpson was held out of the game despite his own diagnosis of "feel good." The Vikings apparently didn't think he must have feel good too much, because they decided not to play him, since his source of pain had been a mysterious back issue which led to leg numbness throughout the week before the Redskins game. Maybe he felt fine, but Vikings coaches contended that he wasn't up to snuff, and the likely story is that he just couldn't push off the line like normal. Instead, he sat on the bench, the Vikings helped Percy Harvin get his new, upcoming contract numbers higher, and the Vikings lost a game in which they had no downfield passing attack. Brilliant! It sounds like Simpson is good to go this week, but we'll have to wait and see to be sure. Regardless, he's now out near $60,000, and is pretty upset about it. I would be too. We've only done him harm. The team kept him from both playing the game he loves, and inadvertently forced him to (probably, lol) return to selling weed to make up the lost income. WAY TO GO, VIKINGS.

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Internet Magician Blows Vikings Fans Minds: This is a video that was sent to me from "Internet Magician" Justin Flom, or at least sent to me by some of his people. In it, he performs ILLUSIONS, not tricks, because tricks are something a whore does for money. He did these while coming up with his family to the Titans and Vikings game this season, and proceeded to blow people's minds by melding two candy bars together, hiding signed playing cards, lighting matches in weird ways, and all sorts of other shit. The lady in the black shirt with the black hair in this video is obviously the most impressed, especially at the end with her, "WHAT THE F*CK" mouthing. Do you know what would be more impressive though? If Mr. Flom could keep the Vikings above a .500 record all year! ZING!

Dolan

Dolan of the Week: This Dolan comic is the natural progression from last week to the future. In it, we finally have Dolan return to haze last week's introduced Spooder Man. In it, Dolan offers Spooder Man some Uncle Ben's rice. If you're not a glasses pushing comic nerd, you know that Uncle Ben was Spider Man's family member that died after Peter Parker was being a selfish a-hole, and using his powers only for himself. You see, that is why he is crying in the final frame of this comic, and also why it is funny. SPOODER MAN!!

Balvenie

Scotch of the Week: After I bought that Ardberg 10 year last week, I have mostly been drinking that. I will say this about it … Maybe it's the fact that I usually feast on a liquid diet by the time I get home on Friday nights, but that shit will knock you it. It is also so smoky and peaty, that it almost constantly feels like you are fighting a battle of wills to see if you can finish your scotch without grimacing. I don't know why, but I find that enjoyable. This week, we don't have anything that daring. Rather, we're checking out the Balvenie Signature 12-year, from the Highland area of Speyside. It's a fine little scotch, don't get me wrong. Generally, I like Balvenie's, and this one is no exception. It's a soft gold color, and has some easy-going pear and butter scents, like if you were to treat that farm animal all special one evening before you took her/him to the barn for a hay blasting. It's got a bit of a prickly mouthfeel, like blowing a porcupine, and tastes a bit like custard and old wood cork, which either means it is rotten and foul, or AWESOME AND DELICIOUS. Go with the latter. The taste and mouthfeel itself lingers and is pretty strong, tasting for a while like you just siphoned gas. The wife says it tastes like gin, which probably means it's for pussies. In reality, it's probably just a bit of pine or astringent she's tasting. Either way, trick your girl into thinking it's a clear liquor so she'll drink it, and then see if she gets whisky clit or something. Good times had by all.

Shirtless Viking of the Week: I hate to be all hipster on everyone, but I couldn't help but notice major local sporting news sources finally catching on to Vikings punter Chris Kluwe's sexy shirtless photo op he did for OUT magazine this week. Oh, you're just catching on to this now? Where were you two weeks ago when Purple Jesus Diaries covered it and, you know, when the issue was published? And honest to god, do you think this is the FIRST Shirtless Viking to ever appear? Have you SEEN our Shirtless Vikings photo gallery? I thought you were supposed to report the NEWS, major media! When there is a Shirtless Viking that hits the web, I don't know what else you would call it but breaking news. And if you're not going to stay on top of it, by god, we will!

And to do so, here is another picture of a Shirtless Chris Kluwe from the OUT photo shoot. It's like from nipple up, but I think it still counts. Right? If not, I have another in the Shirtless Vikings gallery, so "enjoy" yourself.

Vikings Cardinals

Recalibrated Predictions: It's always after a loss when we – as dedicated fans – need to sit back and readjust our expectations. I mean, OK, the defense looked solid for the first quarter of the season. I think we all agreed on that. But were we all just fooling ourselves? The defense still has many broken parts from last year, and really only added young pieces, young pieces that are still learning. I've been writing this year about wanting to find out WHO these Vikings are this season, what their identity is. I think the truth of the matter is that they are still learning themselves, and don't know either at this point. We clearly don't have a red zone identity yet, which affects our overall offensive strategy (outside of PERCY DO STUFF, which actually works pretty well). Point here being, week in and week out the team is probably capable of competing with anyone. Some games we'll win that we aren't supposed to (49ers?) some we'll lose we were supposed to win (Redskins? Colts?). The Vikings are simply a young team that will be in close games, some of which they'll pull out, some of which they will lose control of in spectacular fashion. As for this game? Everything is stacking up in the Vikings favor, clearly. But even with their carousel at quarterback, the Cardinals started the year off hot before losing two straight. They may be hungry to get back to their winning ways, and return to going about their business. The Vikings may feel some pressure to prove that they are legit after they're 4-1 start. On paper I think they win, fairly easily. But my official prediction is more or less a shield against my shattered heart, because I'm going to say they play this game sloppy and end up losing similar to the Colts game, which will suck, but will be the nature of this team this year. I hope I'm wrong! Unfortunately, my 4-2 prediction record on the year still says I get the majority of my predictions right. Sorry, bros. 

We'll toss a game thread up on Sunday morning. Until then, enjoy the weekend. Let's go get drunk and cry!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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