Christian Ponder is Here to Build Chemistry, Not a Scientist
While it’s easy to acknowledge that the 2012 Minnesota Vikings will probably suck, it won’t be because they don’t all like each (like past years when everyone was jealous of preferential treatment for Brett Favre, you see). This year, quarterback Christian Ponder is bringing this team together early, and they are going to be FORCED to like each other, even if it kills him to do so:

On the importance of developing off-field camaraderie: “It’s huge. We’ve taken that upon ourselves. I’m really close with (tight end) Kyle (Rudolph) and Sully (center John Sullivan). We’re trying to do a good job of getting everyone together besides the small groups everyone has with each other. We’re a family. We’re one team. We’ve got to get closer to each other off the field. We see each other every day at work, but I think it’s important to get together and go have a meal together, do whatever and get closer.”

Yes, “do whatever.” I heard you, bro. But really, he means whatever.
Some of the Vikings players call it “developing camaraderie.” Some call it “becoming a family.” Others, like Percy Harvin and Jerome Simpson, call it “getting fucking blasted together by shotgunning bong hits into each other’s faces while in the sauna room so we get so messed up we shit on the heat coals.” Whatever it is, it’s an important unobservable feature that all great teams have, and this young team is trying to build early.

As an example of how, here is the top ten list of OTHER ways many of these new Minnesota Vikings teammates have gotten closer to each other this offseason:

  1. Christian Ponder and John Sullivan have purchased a Tandem Pooping Toilet to get as close as possible during the most intimate moments.
  2. To build linebacker chemistry, Chad Greenway has been taking all of his squad mates to concerts this summer, including Limp Bizkit, Vanilla Ice, Aerosmith, Justin Bieber, Ringo Starr, Linkin Park, Creed, and Drake. To his surprise, he’s as lonely as ever.
  3. Purple Jesus and Percy Harvin have been seen bonding together by sitting on the sidelines during OTAs and saying to each other “What a fucking mess, how did we get ourselves into this.”
  4. Coach Leslie Frazier and General Manager Rick Spielman have found an intellectual connection this offseason by huddling together late at night over a copy of Highlights for Children trying to find the hidden pictures in the image. Better put on another pot of coffee!
  5. New tight end John Carlson has found a real personal connection with fellow tight end Kyle Rudolph as he’s had to comfort the second year player through many traumatic flashbacks as he recalled Visanthe Shiancoe taking off his towel in the locker room. “I know your pain, bro!”
  6. Antoine Winfield and Sage Rosenfels – an unlikely couple, to be sure – have really been able to find common ground over the fact that they are both really, fucking, old.
  7. Safeties Eric Frampton and Jamarca Sanford have formed a quiet alliance while they have secretly been plotting the demise of first-day rookie starter Harrison Smith.
  8. USC Alumns Matt Kalil, Rhett Ellison, and Everson Griffen have formed a tight trio as they think of ways to shit in Kluwe’s pillows at training camp, all for having gone to UCLA.
  9. Tackle Phil Loadholt took an immediate attraction to rookie Center Quentin Saulsberry, but only because he mistook him for a Salisbury Steak. Quentin remains unconvinced of this friendship, as Loadholt ogles him relentlessly.
  10. More than anything, the entire team has found a common bond as they took a day trip to the Apple River recently (probably, probably not) and all remarked, “Holy shit, this state just smells. We need to kill these rancid pole smokers next year!” Ahhh, the strength of a common enemy!

I’d say based off this, the team should be PLENTY close next year.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.