Song: Dirty White Boy (Foreigner)
Dear White Linebacker Diary …
Hey? How you doin’? Been holding up alright? I haven’t chatted with you or my other fellow white linebackers in a long time. It started when our group of scrappy linebackers (who happened to be white) lost Heath Farwell to more money, and then my best friend in the whole world, Ben Leber, wasn’t re-signed by the team either. I looked around me out on the field during 2011 and I felt so … alone. Not scared, like when I’m walking down a dark alleyway in downtown and I see an African American couple leaving a drinking establishment, but … alone. Like, I have no one to discuss Conan O’Brien skits with, or plan our next camping trips together. I tried to be all casual and talk about Digable Planets with the EJ and Erin Henderson this last year while breaking huddle, but they kept looking at me like I was weird, and then started quoting lyrics from something called “Flo Rida.” I thought that was a state?
I’m just feel so alone sometimes. What’s a white linebacker to do?
It’s not that I don’t like my other teammates. I really do! I love hanging out with Jared Allen, it was always great chatting with Steve Hutchinson … This Kyle Rudolph kid seems amiable, and Jon Sullivan is a real nice guy. Me and him would sometimes get together during training camp in Mankato and read passages from Where the Wild Things Are before we went to bed. It was a blast. Brian Robison is really cool, Asiata and D’Imperio, Longwell and even that weirdo Kluwe, Loeffler, Toby, and that awesome quarterback group that I’d love to hang out with between Christian and Rosenfels. Do you think Musgrave would let me join them? I bet he would. He’s cool like that. Oh man … I bet they’re not AT ALL lonely during team meetings! I bet they sit and chat about Mad Men and take team notes in their Moleskin Notebooks. Hey guys! I bought a city Moleskin recently! For Paris! I mean … I’ve never been, but I’m totally planning on taking a long European vacation and making a stop there, between other places like Amsterdam, London, Lisbon, Rome, and Dusseldorf. …. But probably not Algiers or Egypt. I just … I don’t think so.
I sit and I wonder if we’ll get any new players for me to be friends with this offseason. I know Rick Spielman was recently promoted to be General Manager, and I guess I trust him to pick a good, solid, scrappy player to maybe back up at the linebacker spot … Leslie Frazier? … Ehhh … I think he probably focuses on the skill positions. I did see that we signed a very promising player recently, Bryan Walters. I got high hopes for him. I mean, he plays offense and I play defense, but I’m totally expecting to run to the sidelines during a team switch and telling him, “Good luck!” in Thai. I’m trying to learn Thai, now. I mean, I’m learning … I’m not there yet, but close. “Sawaddee.” I think that’s “hello.” Maybe Bryan will want to be my study buddy.
Either way, I just hope to find some good friends this year. I’m ready to get back at it with this football team. Some days it seems like the season just ended yesterday, but others it seems like I’ll never be able to get my Ultimate Frisbee team together this summer. So many activities!
Until later, journal …
*Psst! Would you believe Chad Greenway didn’t actually write this? Because he didn’t. Let’s be smart here. Satire, people.