Can you believe it's already back? NFL football in general, yes, but more importantly fantasy football, and even MORE importantly beyond that, the PJD Fantasy Football League is back as well! Finally, once again, once a week, maybe more, probably more, you'll be able to read all about a league of 10 mustard eaters bickering amongst themselves to see who gets to win a shitty free t-shirt once they're crowned league champ from the PJD Merchandise Shop. The suspense! Truth be told, I'm trying to figure out how I can still provide these updates for the people that care, and still make it an entertaining read for everyone else. Not that you'd ever want to check in on a fantasy league that you have no interest in, but I do believe I made the basics of the league public to look at and browse. So if you ever got interested (see: bored) and wanted to understand a bit more what the hell we're all talking about, you can pop over to our league home page and laugh at how shitty all our teams are. It's OK, it's warranted.
So without further ado, let's jump into the tangled mess that is PJD's Fantasy Football league with out week one recap:
Week Results: There you go. Some people won and some people lost. That's how the game is played. Super interesting right now, isn't it? Getting excited about your week one fantasy football win is about as important as getting excited about the Vikings win in week one. Point made. But let's point out some highlights here:
- Somehow A WOMAN, Feisty Fingers, was the top scorer with 79 points. That's mighty embarrassing. Next she'll be able to vote!
- Coming in next was a guy that passed out on his couch and didn't even draft his own players, Kenny Britt's Tits. Lesson? Fantasy drafts are full of shit. Never trust them.
- Is it fair to say that Legit Roethlisberger got "raped" this week? LOLOLOLOL! Well he did, by me, but the analogy only works if you conclude that he was raped by a two inch penis, because losing 62-51 isn't anything to write home about.
- There weren't any close games this week. That makes things boring. If they were close, the data was skewed because of the two Monday night games, and because I didn't pay attention, which is likely to happen every week.
Weekly Worst: Which owner was the worst owner? We'll answer that question every week as we plug numbers into a complex algorithm that factors in bench points, roster mismanagement, waiver moves, trash talk, and enough ambiguous factors that will make the BCS formula look like a remedial foreigners math test. This week, we're highlighting Cheeseheads. Now, let me preface this by saying that there isn't necessarily anything he did WRONG in managing his current roster. He was likely still to lose. But unless his strategic plan was to toss the first five games of the season waiting for a trade request on one of his quarterbacks, I'm not quite sure what the benefit is of leaving almost 40 points between two QBs unused. Instead of removing one – or trading one immediately – and filling that open roster spot in with a productive running back, one that scores more than one point a week, would seem like a better way to optimize your point spread, instead of just flap dicking around like you don't know what you're doing. He IS from Wisconsin though, so maybe he didn't have internet access to change his roster for three weeks. It's likely.
New Names for Maligned Managers: I'll admit I'm also a bit under whelmed this season by the team names coming in. Many of them are repeats, or simply aren't very clever. Part of the deal in this league is I buy you a free t-shirt, and you make me laugh, god dammit. You all need to to better. So once a week I'm going to pick a fantasy team and suggest a grip of new names for them, hoping that one sticks. First up is my opponent this next week, Parole Models. Instead of this tired title, I would suggest the follow (I have no idea if Yahoo! will actually allow any of these, and frankly I don't care):
- Boobs of Mass Destruction
- The Sandwich Makers
- Parole Occifers
- Going Down on Jackson
- Weekly Marshawn Lynchings
- Flapping Her Flacco
- Who the Hell is Alfred Morris
If you have a suggestion for a new team name for Parole Models, feel free to leave it in the comments section.
Story Note of the Week: There's a new feature in Yahoo! where each game receives an automatic recap generation, where a crazy ass futuristic computer will write an AP style recap of your recent match up. It can be found on the front page, Fantasy, Week 1 score box, right under "Final" on the right side. Each week I am going to select a choice quote from my game's recap and share it with everyone. I encourage you to find your own favorite and post it in the comments. This week, there was one particular passage which caught my eye:
Legit Roethlisberger Regret Tracker
- Legit Roethlisberger left the 12 points scored by C.J. Spiller on the bench this week. He beat his projected point total by 769.6%, the third-highest percentage in the league.
Dude, how did you not know that CJ Spiller was going to exceed his projected scoring output by 769 POINT SIX PERCENT?!?! What a FUBAR. GTFO of here, bro, not in my game! Awesome.
Looking Ahead: Each week I will also predict an upcoming game. In the past, the person I have picked favored to win usually loses, so yes, this is essentially a kiss of death. If you want to try to buy my favor to NOT choose you throughout the season, you certainly can try. I am currently accepting payment of Subway gift cards and gas station bathroom hand jobs. Currently, my prediction record is 0-0, obviously, since I didn't pick a game last week. So to start, I'm going to look at the game between Moose Knuckles and Kenny Britt's Tits. It's the only game this week that features two 1-0 teams, so someone is going to get vaulted to the top of their division pretty quickly. Looking at the current set rosters, I think it'll be a pretty tight game. I'm rooting with my eyes closes super tight, wishing super hard, that Aaron Rodgers reverts to being a huge dong swallower this year, and that his fantasy output isn't quite what everyone thinks it will be. There's a good chance of this being true, too, since he plays the Bears strong defense this week. So I'm going to give the edge to a more well balanced Kenny Britt's team, and expect them to pull out a close win.
Good luck to everyone this week, but not really. Remember to set your line ups by Thursday night every week now, since the NFL is being a bitch about Thursday night games. Honestly, just let the college kids play then, you anuses. Anyway, if I missed anything big, let the rest of the league know about it in the comments. Give us your favorite recap part, talk some trash, set your line up, and have fun.