Do you think Minnesota Vikings players play fantasy football?
It's a legitimate question, one where the answer would be telling. Not in just their simple "yes" or "no' response, but rather in seeing who they end up picking for their team. For instance, I'm sure they do. I remember big features in ESPN The Magazine where the showed the Minnesota Twins players picking for their fantasy football draft. So if morons like the Twins play, I'm sure educated individuals like John Sullivan, Christian Ponder (He's got a Master's Degree, you know), and others probably have fantasy leagues for fun. OK, no big surprise there and that doesn't say much. But do you think Ponder selected himself in the first round? Or was he like, "Listen, not to knock my own abilities or anything, but RGIII is going to be averaging like 20 points a week, so I'm taking him over me." And where did the players take Purple Jesus in their drafts before the season started? Do you think the average position was higher than where normal fans were selecting him, because they saw him all throughout training camp and were thinking, "Oh come on, this guys not even injured anymore. He's just Favre-ing it out here!" I imagine him, Percy, and maybe even Kyle Rudolph were all taken with little explanation needed, but when Michael Jenkins or Devin Aromoshadu picked themselves, even in the 13th round, I bet every other player passed wary glances around the draft table thinking, "I don't even know if they're going to make the team, guys." Of course, not even the defensive players could be tricked into picking themselves, rightfully so, and everyone else was fighting over Care Blair Walsh. Zygi made it a point not to select a single Vikings so he wouldn't emotionally fire someone when they caused his fantasy team to lose every week. Smart business move.
Anyway, let's get into this weeks' PJD Fantasy League recap. Remember, even if you're not in the league you can still follow along to see how stupid all of our team owners are by checking out our public league link.
Week Results: It was a pretty exciting week in the league, as the real losers started giving up on the season and leaders emerged to shine down on the poor peasant souls like Daanerys Targaryen's dragons from on high. When the fetid, hazy, under-butt humidity cloud finally dissipated over this last week, we were left with two kings on high and two devils in the dirt, as two teams sit 2-0 while two others rot at 0-2. And it might surprise you who they are! Details here:
– Percy Poppin' and Very Tight Butthole are the two best teams in the league thus far, which shouldn't be a surprise as they both have the two best names in the league this year. It seems the "How good is your team name" theme will run rampant throughout this season. Better get on that trolley now, lady parts.
– On the flip side, two teams who staunchly refuse to change their team name from year to year, Cheeseheads and Parole Models, got absolutely prison welcomed this week, both losing and both dropping to 0-2 on the year. Although to be fair, Cheese did only lose by 5, but that makes the story sound worse.
– Truthfully, the most exciting game this week was the one point victory VTB "clenched" over Collinsworth's Girth (an honorable new team name, by the way). Collinsworth's just couldn't get that one or two additional points he needed for the win from Matt Bryant, Atlanta's kicker, Monday night, who was already doing everything his little leg could do by "kicking" in 9 points. Go on, little kicker, score another field goal!
– Despite leading the league in total points for on the year, Feisty Finger found some aggressive hands all over here this week, leading to her loss. It should be short lived, though. She's also got the third most points against her, and that can't last, especially if she starts playing Parole Models in the Scissor Battles IV, largely because Parole has only scored 108 this entire year. Should be a regular dominatrix scene! Exciting!
Weekly Worst: Which owner was the worst owner? We'll answer that question every week as we plug numbers into a complex algorithm that factors in bench points, roster mismanagement, waiver moves, trash talk, and enough ambiguous factors that will make the BCS formula look like a remedial foreigners math test. This week, we're highlighting Cheesehead, because I just noticed what sneaky little Hobbit trick he's trying to pull here. Dude has FIVE quarterbacks on his roster right now. FIVE. He starts Drew Brees, sits RGIII, sits Peyton Manning, sits Russel Wilson, and sits Tim Tebow. Well … OK, four quarterbacks and a circus act. But what, are you hoping some slob manager will get desperate enough and trade you a running back for Peyton Manning? Not likely, you smelly bastard! I'm not falling for any of that shit. Enjoy your 49 bench points a week. If you ever end up tying, you're totally going to have all the wins!
Medal of the Week: I figured I'd jump back in an offer an insight on the Medals of the Week until I get bored with it once again. That should take about two weeks, so enjoy it while you can. This week we're awarding Peyton's Robot Neck with the highlight, as he has secured "THE UNDERDOG" medal. Normally, I'd think that's something sexual, like maybe finally he got to receive during doggy style instead of always having to give, but, no. It actually means that he was predicted to get his throat tickled from the back side and somehow, miraculously, instead came out with a win. This might be the first time he's been at a .500 record since opening game last year. Yeah, LAST year. This he he started out with negative points against him because he's sucked for so long, and had them wiped out with this first win. That's how bad shit got in Gally land. Cheers, bro.
Story Note of the Week: After teaching Parole Models what it's like to be a skirt in a dress pants world this week, I went back and checked out the our automated story recap from Yahoo! Remember, this is some weird, formulaic recap of your game every week that can be found next to your Final box score. It's splendid in it's absurdity. This week, I came across this gem:
– Percy Poppin' would be 2-0 if they played Parole Models every week.
Essentially, I just need to play Parole for the rest of the season, and I get to buy my ass a t-shirt at the end of the year! If only. Did you find a good line in your recap? Let's see them in the comments section.
Looking Ahead: Each week I will continue predicting an upcoming game. It usually pans out that the person I pick to win usually loses, so yes, this is essentially a kiss of death. If you want to try to buy my favor to NOT choose you throughout the season, you certainly can try. I am currently accepting payment of new iPhone 5's and pictures of Shirtless Vikings. Currently, my prediction record is 0-1, since I said, almost verbatim, that I expected Collinsworth's to pull out a close victory. As we all learned, pretty much the exact opposite happened. The numbers don't lie, folks! Start sending in shirtless pictures! This week, I got my eye on the Collinsworth's and Victorious Secret's game. Both teams are at 1-1 and looking to breakout. The teams are also equally matched, having scored 124 and 126 points on the year, respectively. However, when you have a quarterback on your fantasy team going against the Vikings defense like Collinsworth's does, you're pretty much guaranteed a win. I see Collinsworth actually picking up this victory, despite the fact that Victorious is heavily favored. Don't underestimate the shittiness of the Vikings team!
Good luck to everyone this week, but not really. Remember to set your line ups by Thursday night every week now, since the NFL is being a bitch about Thursday night games. If I missed anything big, let the rest of the league know about it in the comments. Give us your favorite recap part, talk some trash, set your line up, and have fun.