Yeah, I skipped reviewing week six. Here's what happened:
- Very Tight Buttholes had a very big win over Victorious Secrets, 97-72
- Bring the Weeden pissed all over himself and scored 33 points in a loss. Not sure what he was expecting naming his team after someone playing for the Cleveland Browns.
- I picked Parole Models to win that week, and miraculously she did. My prediction record is now 2-2-1 on the season.
- I didn't *technically* pick a winner last week because I skipped the review, but since I always assume I'm going to win anyway, we'll just pretend like I was going to pick myself last week anyway. That's a good thing, since I broke Peyton's Robot Neck. So I'm going to go ahead and give myself a 3-2-1 record now on the year. I AM AWESOME.
Enough of that garbage. Here are some week seven notes.
What Happened: Seems pretty self explanatory. This is where I tell you what happened, because the majority of my team owners are too dumb to look at the scoreboard:
– My team put up the most points in week seven with 83 total. That means I would have beat EVERYONE. Also, it should be noted that my team sucks balls, and yet I was still able to put up 83 points. I started Kyle Rudolph over Rob Gronkowski, people. Think about that.
– Very Tight Butthole lost in week seven to a sneaky Cheeseheads team, who is now 4-3 and finally over that .500 mark for the season. VTB's 5-2 record drops him to a league tie for best record with, of course, me. I AM SO GOOD!
– Feisty Fingers continues her assent, as I knew she would. Thanks for proving me right, you skirt! She took out Collinsworth's Girth, but is no longer the leagues highest scoring team anymore. That notice goes to VTB, and then her. She's also seen the total points against her drop quicker than Alex Cross hype. See? Things are all evening out!
– Speaking of WORST teams though, Bring the Weeden has somehow defied logic, scoring the least amount of total points this year with 372, yet still sitting with a 3-4 record. Parole Models is close behind though, with 378 total points on the year and a 2-5 record. Somehow, someway, they still aren't the worst teams though, as that dunce crown is worn by Legit Roethlisberger and his impressive 1-6 record. Yes, now you do have my permission to die.
DIE CHRIS JOHNSON! I guess I don't know why I'm so mad at Chris Johnson this week. I mean, the guy pretty much carried my team to a victory, what with his 195 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns against the Bills. But god dammit, seriously?! That totaled 19 points in week seven. Do you know how many points before that he had on the year, total? 9. Nine points. And the only reason he didn't have double digit points is because he must have fumbled one week, which left him with -1 points. What the hell, man. Now I'm going to get tricked into starting you in a critical week and you're going to jam a summer sausage into my rectum. Doesn't matter. At that point I'll deserve it for being so stupid.
Here's a Medal: This last week I apparently won the "A Winner is You!" medal. You apparently get this medal if you win five regular season, head-to-head match ups in the league, which I have already OBVIOUSLY done. While I appreciate the recognition, I can't help but think that it may be a little sarcastic. "A Winner is You?" That sounds like a Special Olympics medal, doesn't it? Or the ribbon for the person who DIDN'T win the Spelling Bee. Either way, it's a bit awkward, and frankly, I don't give a shit. I'm going to take any medal I can get.
Story Time: Here is this week's story note from my win over Victorious Secrets:
|Victorious Secret scored 60 points against a projected 58.16 and beat their scoring projection for the sixth time this season, including the last four weeks in a row.|
That's actually a pretty impressive stat. There's only been seven games, and of those VS (sounds like a venereal disease) beat his projection six of those seven times. I WISH I could perform that well, in fantasy football and at the fantasy suites. You know what I'm talking about, dudes. Tarzan Room? Tarzan cracks Jane's coconut open and scoops out that milky inside, if you get my meaning!
Looking Ahead: As stated, I am an obvious 3-2-1 on the season now (six games total since I didn't predict a game in week one). looking to improve my fake record over half of the teams in this league and their real records, I got my eye on the Feisty Fingers and Cheeseheads match. They are both at 4-3 right now, tied behind Very Tight's 5-2 record for the division lead. Keeping pace here is important, as is putting distance between your competitors. Normally, this would probably be a pretty good game, but Feisty has Arian Foster heading on his bye week and not a lot to replace him. Cheese comes in with a strong roster and a high projected point total. I gotta go with the fat Wisconsin guy in fantasy football, but would still pick Feisty in a straight up fist fight between these two.
Enjoy the games, folks. Let me know what I missed.