Green Bay Packer Fans Prepare for Their Draft

You may not know this, because fans of the Green Bay Packers NEVER talk about it, but the team has sold shares in the franchise to fans, “technically” allowing some fans to own part of the team. Because of this, many Packer fans take time away from their part time work at the Kum-and-Go to do their due diligence and fill out their draft card for the team, with hopes that their suggestions will guide the franchise to another successful draft and, ultimately, a Super Bowl. Today, we interviewed several Packer fans to see what their draft strategy for the team is in 2012:

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“AAAHHHHH IAM SOEXCITED FORTHEDRAFT THISYEAR!! As a Packers owner, I called up Ted Thompson and I said, ‘Hey! Ted! Teddy! Listen up! Enough of your crap! I own this team, and I’ve had it up to hear with you!’ I told him it good, and then I laid out my draft strategy about how we were going to trade all of our draft picks to get the number one, two, and three picks in this draft, then take the three best players in Andrew Luck, Robert Griffen the Third, and Matt Kalil, just to screw with the Vikings. Our quarterback position would be set for decades! And as the best and most deserving team on the NFL, we HAVE to have the best players around too! We deserve it! … What secondary needs?”

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“Huh? Jim, where are you? I can’t find my seat! Are you in row 53? What section am I in? What? Draft who? Oh, I like that Dont’a Hightower! He’s such a nice, black boy, isn’t he? So dark! He must come from that area down south, the Gulf, or whatever it’s called. He looks like he could really help out our linebacking group. I know the linebackers. We have that pretty lady that plays for us, Ms. Matthews. I know her because I always admire how stringy her hair is. I wish mine could look like that! Then maybe my husband, Jim, he’s sitting up a bit more in row 53, would lust after me like he lusts after Matthews. But first I’d have to find him so he could see me … JIM!!! … Did he leave me alone in the stadium again?!”

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“You know what? I hope they draft a father that can take his eyes off the TV screen during a blow out for, like, five minutes, so he could clean the oozing shit from my chaffed ass, and maybe even apply some butt cream. Would that kill ya? Huh? Why do you even ask to take me from Mom on the weekends if you’re not even going to pay attention to me? You put this ridiculous outfit on me to make me look like a walking fart, and then scream all day long. I don’t know what Mom is doing, but I bet it’s not crying in a bathtub when a group of grown men lose to the Lions. Jesus. Oh, and if they drafted a fresh diaper in the late rounds, I GUESS I’d be OK with that, too.”

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“Oh my gooddd!! I don’t even care who they draft! Hahaha, whooooo!!! I filled out this card thingy that they send to team owners, but I couldn’t even read it! Finally, the guy that helped me clean the bedroom tarp on Saturday night told me it was a draft card thing, or something, as he was leaving for a work meeting on Sunday morning? I was SO EXCITED! I get to play draft person! I took out my lipstick, and wrote in the sexiest inner voice I could, ‘DRAFT SOMEONE WHO WILL CHOKE AND SPIT ON ME BEFORE HOME GAMES IN GREEN BAY’ on it and mailed it right in! Hahaha, I’m part owner, so they HAVE to listen to me, right?! Whoooo, go Green Bay Rackers! Whoooooo *baarrfffff*”

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“I’ve given this a lot of thought, and after pouring over draft reports, listening to Mel Kiper and Todd McShay for weeks, bouncing ideas off of friends, analyzing team needs, reviewing advanced stats, factoring in coaching changes, roster updates, off-season weight training, free agency additions and additions by subtractions, and counter-balancing need versus probable available opportunity in the 2012 NFL Draft, I have formerly and publicly offered my support to the Green Bay Packers franchise to draft bacon. I hope they listen.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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