Oh no! Don’t look now fans, but I have some TERRIBLE news to share with all of you! It’s definitely breaking news about your favorite team, the Minnesota Vikings, so you’ll for sure want to stick around and listen up. I promise you this isn’t a joke! This is real! I just heard all of this from my source with the team who is ALWAYS right about these types of insider details, so pay attention!
First, the most devastating news of all, and something that has probably haunted your dreams for years, something you hoped would never happen but has now finally come true! Everyone’s favorite running back and the face of the franchise, Purple Jesus, has reportedly torn his ACL and PCL and is out for eight to nine months in surgery and rehab! Oh no! We never thought this could happen!
But wait, that’s not all!
Check out this list of totally legit insider details I’ve managed to gather over the weekend and just coincidentally happen to be presenting to you on this Day of Fools:
- The franchise has promoted Rick Spielman to General Manager! Egads!
- A tight end with injury issues was the big free agent splash this year! Oh no!
- Charlie Johnson was brought in to replace a left tackle who wasn’t good enough for us, but started for a team in the AFC Championship game! D’Oh!
- Michael Jenkins is being penciled in as our number one receiver! Ouch!
- Don’t look now, but your favorite football team just finished the season 3-13! Burn!
- Brad Childress is the best coach the team has had since Dennis Green! Whoa!
- We cut a left guard for “salary cap reasons” who then went on to sign a three year contract because he’s still good to play! Whoops!
- The team’s 2011 first round pick, number 12 overall, was spent on picking a quarterback with a severe injury history much higher than he should have been taken! Drat!
- We traded and brought Randy Moss back to the team! Wait, we just cut him for no good reason! Gah!
- Guess which team has been to four Super Bowls and never won? You guessed it!
- Amber Heard isn’t a lesbian! She totally wants to have sexual relations with everyone who has a penis! Score!
Ha ha ha, just kidding everyone! April Fool’s! There is NO WAY the Vikings would be guilty of all of these things! Man, I totally got you! You were all like, “Oh no! Am I cheering for a team that has a history of sucking, terrible personnel decisions, and has no feasible way to compete in the next five years?! What have I done?” Ha ha, oh man, the egg on your face! You totally fell for my April Fool’s post like a total moro ….
…… Shit … What day is it? …. APRIL 2nd?!?!
Dear god, end me now.