It is NFL Draft day. Everyone rejoice. It’s like the single best day for football between the end of the Super Bowl and the begining of training camp. You will not have another day so full of Vikings purple, rollercoastered emotions, Chris Berman’s fat fucking face, and all the things that make this cash cow so enjoyable.
Unfortunately, this is also the time of year when you’ll end up gagging on Todd McShay’s pencil-dick-voice:
Holy shit, I have never wanted to watch someone burn from the inside out as much as I want to watch Todd McShay do it. And this video helped NONE.
To save you from your ears bleeding (Doing nothing for your eyes weeping the souls of pedophiles back into the world after looking upon McShay’s rat face), here are some of the highlights of Todd McShay playing Minnesota Vikings on draft day:
- “Well, you know, our board.”
Yeah, what about it you shit taster? Every team has a draft board. What is the significance of it? Don’t just be all like, “Oh, well, our draft board guys, there’s your answer! *nervous smile*” God I want to dip his face in a vat of fryer oil.
- “Hey, it’s the Dolphins.”
Everyone busies themselves with notes and scenarios, trade opportunities and player options. Todd McShay sits there wondering why a fake phone was ringing. Play along, you stupid foreskin.
- “At 73 we like one player, and then another player, and look at me, I’m naming off names I typed into an Excel spreadsheet.”
McShay, are you even playing the game? You’re just naming any player that is an offensive linemen or a cornerback in this scenario without any regard to whether they fit the system. This is a terrible year for tackles (Most all others project to be interior players or need extensive work, like the cut of McShay’s suit), and you just think we can plug any old rookie in at left tackle? GET OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT.
- “Right, absolutely, the receiver … Justin Blackmon … But also Kalil or Claiborne could be at that spot still.”
In regards to wanting Tampa Bay to trade with them. Then Bill Polian looks at him like McShay is one of his grand kids that just announced he was moving to California to work on a pot farm with John David Booty, and is all like, “Great, McShay, but let’s prepare for the worst case scenario, you dumb ass.”
- “Yes … Yes? Yes. Yes!”
When being asked about which trade was obviously better, the proposed Miami or Kansas City trade down. Here is a perfect example of when Todd McShay is bullshitting his way through life. “I got a 50/50 shot … Yes or no … Just say one, then play off Herm. He’s smart! He’ll know what to say!” It’s like he’s in band class and trying to copy the finger placements on the saxophone of the guy next to him, but is always a beat behind. Yes, that’s a real analogy.
- “If they get Richardson, that means we either get Kalil or Claiborne …”
Notice how he lets his sentence hang on at the end, waiting for confirmation from the other guys that are all like, “Of course, that’s the whole point of wanting to trade with Tampa Bay, you moron, have you not been paying attention? Who hired you? Are you related to the Wilfs?” That’s what I would say, anyway.
- “If they don’t are we … Going to go back .. to the, uh, Dolphins?”
“Can we go get ice cream after the draft?” He may as well just have said that.
- *McShay begs for a handshake across the table*
I bet he shakes with a weak grip and a limp wrist. And you know Herm wants NOTHING to do with that shake. It’s all pleasantries at this point. Also, McShay with the unenthusiastic fist pump.
Point being, if you have NFL Network, watch their draft coverage. You won’t have to subject yourself to this shit tool, or Chris Berman ruining what the pick will be each time, or Mel Kiper’s hair (Although I’m a huge fan of that goofy son of a bitch), or Cris Carter acting all high and mighty, or that geriatric Mike Ditka, and so many more unworthy and unwatchable a-holes.
As for the Vikings? If they trade back with Tampa I could maybe live with it. Just make a pick, unlike in 2010, where I wasted an entire Thursday evening to find out the team was going to just take Chris Cook two days later and walk away with the worst draft ever. Congrats, carpetbaggers.
PS: Matt Kalil is the pick. Book it.