For the first three games of the season, Minnesota Vikings receiver Jerome Simpson has been a man without a team. Suspended by the NFL for breaking their substance abuse policy (Protip: Dude loves weed), Simpson has been trying to find a way to fill his time away from his teammates in practice in alternate, yet still productive, ways.
In an early season interview he did with the Pioneer Press' Charley Walters, Simpson shared some of the things he was doing to keep his mind busy. Among them was watching the Vikings games on TV, to see what other teams' and his own were up to in game planning. Another was eating chicken wings. He also is spending his "practice time" allotted during the week catching footballs from Jug machines, which he admits is a poor simulation for live throws from his quarterback Christian Ponder.
Another interesting item he mentioned he was doing while suspended that caught our eye, was cheerleading. Jerome Simpson is a cheerleader. Now …. now … I'm assuming this doesn't mean he's wearing a short skirt and tossing pom poms around (although he might be …), but rather that he's offering words of encouragement from afar, intimidating opposing teams with his rhthymic chants, taking coaching notes for his teammates later, and maybe – just maybe – writing down and perfecting the PERFECT VIKINGS CHEER. Amazingly, that's exactly what we were able to track down for you, after the jump.
Through amazing inside sources, Purple Jesus Diaries was actually able to track down several of the cheers Jerome Simpson has been working on during his suspension. They're not perfect, of course. The guy is a little weeded out and hasn't been able to go back through them with a clear head yet to make sure they are supportive perfection, so reserve your harsh judgment for another cheer team, bro-leader. Instead, let's cheer on Jerome as he does something productive, and inspires us all with his lyrical calls!
Hey, hey, quit picking on the runt,
The Vikes are playing, and they aren't doing well,
So, So, let's all roll a blunt,
Smoke it and forget, and meet inside the jail cell!
Vikings are ready,
Vikings are quick,
Vikings are raping,
Now they're in your girl's slit!
Give me a V! (V!)
Give me an I! (I!)
Give me a K! (K!)
Give me an E! (E!)
Give me an S! (S!)
What does that spell?! (Three and thirteen!)
You might be good on offense,
You might be good on defense,
Even good at special teams,
But you're sure to have some regrets,
'Cause when you play the Vikings,
The game may go by fast,
But that's because our mascot,
Snorts coke off your coaches ass!
Come on everybody, just follow me,
Do what I do, and soon you will see,
Just clap your hands three times (clap, clap, clap)
And then stomp your feet (stomp, stomp, stomp)
Now mold your hand like a cup,
And cop a cheerleader's teat!
Not bad, Jerome. You might be alright, eventually. Did you hear about another one of Jerome's cheers he's been working on? Let us see it in the comments. In the meantime, seriously, get back on the field, Simpson. Holy crap, it looks like we need you.