Lions Fans: You Can Now Return to Being Broke and Miserable

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Ouch, which hurts worse? Watching your team in the playoffs for the first time since FOREVER getting abused by the possible league MVP like they were Twilight mom’s cold sex toy, or being called out for being “broke and miserable” by your team’s own player?

That’s what happened when Detroit Lions defensive back Aaron Berry took to the Twitter machine later Sunday afternoon once the Saints were finished double-fisting the Lions like they were the Vikings in their Wild Card playoff match-up, 45-28. Now, I know what you’re thinking, pissed off Lions fan. “Oh, good one, loser! Your shit team can’t even make the playoffs! You should talk!” I hear ya, bro. My team is terrible. But I have a job (two of them!) and live in a city/state with a rather high quality of life, so bing-bang-bong.

But is Berry right? Is life miserable for Lions fans? Let’s take a look:

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I don’t think so, and here’s why:

  • The Saints are ridiculously stupid good, or at least Drew Brees is. As we all know, their defense also plays dirty in the playoffs (especially at home), so while I expected the Lions to hang a cool 35, 38 points on them, going for 28 and some likely house-calls isn’t too bad. But it’s Drew Brees. I honestly have no idea what you’re supposed to do about that. Shoot him? Have Suh stomp on his face? I would have called that play, if I were coach.
  • Matthew Stafford is effing legit. He was throwing god damn shark lasers out there. It was a thing of beauty. I would give a rusty trombone to a homeless WOMAN if I could have him on my team for the next 15 years. He may be fat, and is kind of racist when he MTV Raps, but god damn if he isn’t a solid QB. When healthy, and not drinking lard.
  • Uh, Calvin Johnson? What a beast. 211 yards on 12 catches and two TDs? Not a bad showing for your first playoff game ever, I guess.
  • That defense is only going to get better. The Lions are going to draft some better defensive backs and maybe a linebacker and bang, they are solid front to back, like your mom (sex joke? I don’t even know).
  • Any team with Suh on the squad is a team I can cheer for.

So cheer up, Lions fans. You could be a Bears fan, which means you either cheer for the White Sox or the Cubs, too, and both of those teams suck because I hate baseball and wish I never would have brought it up. So think about that. 

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In other NFL playoff news:

  • I didn’t watch it, but are the Falcons really that bad? What the hell were you guys doing out there? Playing Ouija?
  • Tim Tebow won. I don’t even know what to say. Big Ben sad face, derp? I guess Denver’s defense is legit, and John Fox outsmarts himself on the reg.
  • I don’t know why, but I really wanted the Bengals to win against the Texans. That ginger freak Dalton is nice. Also, I don’t give a shit about Arian Foster. You are not Purple Jesus, so shut your face.

And that was the NFL playoffs! Wouldn’t have been fun to be in a game this week?! *cries*

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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