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Lions vs. Vikings Part II: PJD’s Masturbatory Game Preview

Everything is About to Get Ugly: Are you people ready for this? The season is about to implode. When we eventually lose this second division game against the Detroit Lions, we'll be 5-5 on the year (a respectable .500 though?) and *GASP* last place in the division. Uhm …. "Our division is so hard! Like, probably the best division in the NFL! Every team is .500 or above!" Yeah … Maybe this week, but don't kid yourself. We got lucky early and it inflated our understanding of the team. I apologize for that. As a FULL FLEDGED MEDIA MEMBER (not actually true) of the Minnesota Vikings, I should have been more responsible and told everyone to temper their expectations. I didn't do that, and I drank the Kool-Aid. I mean, I GOT DRUNK off of the early season success, and that has now ruined everyone elses season. I blame Samantha Steele too, by the way.

If, somehow, we nab this win, that'll give us six wins on the year, which if you would have told me we'd have six wins before our bye week this season I would have Obama Faced all over the place. Six wins is about what I expected we'd finish with, not have half way through the season. Where we would go from there? Maybe to 8-8. Maybe sneak into the playoffs (there I go again being irresponsible!). But none of that happens unless Unlucky Number Seven stops playing like a turd cutter and gets back to quarterbacking. And the defense. OH GOD, THE DEFENSE. We have no shot.

Thanks to Randle9311 from Rube Chat for another great game day preview graphic!

 

Lions Vikings

Deja TWO: This marks the second game we'll have against the Lions this year. It seems odd that we'll already be finished playing one of our divisional opponents this year, but here we are. I suppose it's a bit skewed since we play our two games against the Packers and Bears within like a five day gap of each other. You may look at the first Lions game and think we have a pretty good shot in this game. I do the opposite. Sure, there were a lot of positives from that game. Ponder played competently. Our defense was pretty amaze-balls and shut down Calvin Johnson. Matthew Stafford looked like a drunk squirrel against us. Jerome Simpson made his one circus catch for the entire year to clinch the game. But a lot of things have changed since that early season match up. The Lions are playing better, we're down Chris Cook (the one guy who could match up with Johnson), and Percy Harvin has a destroyed ankle. Haha, that's OK! We still have tons of other receivers and a quarterback who has also been improving his play all year right?! *gunshottoface*

Percy Harvin

God Have Percy on Our Souls: So yeah, chances are Percy Harvin is going to be held out of this game, which means our receiving core will include Jerome Simpson and his phantom leg syndrome, Michael Jenkins in a walker, Devin Aromawhatever, Stephen Burton who is still on this team, and maybe, FINALLY, Jarius Wright, who I predict won't catch a pass anyway because Ponder has seemingly forgot how to throw the football. Oh, I guess we have Kyle Rudolph as well, but again, no quarterback. Musgrave has mentioned that the team has addressed some offensive issues this week and are hoping for immediate results. I think he was in Denver or Washington this past week when weed became legal to smoke. Probably should have taken Percy with him. We're in trouble.

Jon gruden

John Gruden is Coming Back? There are rumors floating around today that Jon Gruden is talking to coaching friends, working on putting together a staff, and possibly coming back to the NFL in the near future to coach a team. What team could that be?! Could it blessedly be the Vikings?! Will it be Gruden that will pull us out of our doldrums and make us a competent team?! Hahaha, no, no, of course not. We still have Frazier, who has almost doubled his win total from three last year to … Five … Right now. Hurray! We don't need Gruden! No, chances are he's going to head to Philadelphia after the Eagles can Andy Reid. Which just means that we'll have to keep crossing our fingers that the old rumor of Zygi trying to get Bill Parcells to come coach. Cross your fingers, just don't hold your breath. 

Dolan Comic

Dolan of the Week: This week, we're bringing in some of the other Dolan characters outside of Gooby. This is … I don't know, the Daisy equivalent. Whatever. What really gets me about this one though are actually two things. First, the way she's portrayed with her blood shot eyes. I don't know exactly what she's been doing all night, but with Dolan as your man, it probably wasn't even allowed in Gamora. Second, the fact that it takes him a full panel to realize that he's sick of beans, but will clearly enjoy eating the shit. His stupid, dumb, accepting face in panel three is fantastic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head to my therapist session.

Dalwhinnie

Scotch of the Week: I'm getting a bit worried, because I'm running out of new scotch that I've tried that I can review for you here. This also worries me, because I don't REALLY want to start spending $60 a week (on average, let's say) to go buy a new scotch, taste one dram, and review it for you. One, my booze collection would be out of this world. That's a good and bad thing. Good because MY BOOZE COLLECTION WOULD BE OUT OF THIS WORLD!!! And bad, because I'd likely be an alcoholic. I mean, more of an alcoholic. Second, that's a lot of money and I need to buy more Shirtless Vikings pictures, not booze. Either way, I know I've had some Dalwhinnie 15 year before, but can't find my notes on it, but we'll still talk about it a bit here. It's a Highland scotch, which are generally some of my favorites, and offers a nice approachable golden hue to it. Being a Highland scotch, it also has some of that earthy peat flavor to it, as well as a tinge of sweetness from being aged likely in a Sherry cask. That's where you'll get that honey or heather taste. It's also a strong finisher, and lingers like an accidental anal slip during sex. So it's got that going for it. The bottle also looks like it's a Caribbean rum bottle that pirates drink out of, and that's always easy to sell me on.

Baby Kyle Rudolph

Baby Vikings Picture of the Week: I don't have a new shirtless picture of a Viking player this week, which is EXTREMELY disappointing, I realize, but I do offer you this picture of Kyle Rudolph as a baby instead. You see, today is Rudolph's birthday (he's 23! My god that is young) and his Mom tweeted this picture out in honor of him. Do you think she knew he'd be a tight end when he was in her womb? You know how a strong kicking baby indicates they'll play soccer? I wonder if Kyle just had huge baby hands in the womb and would push those against her uteran wall. "Wow, look at that catcher's mitt! He'll be a great tight end!" Clearly, I don't have any kids.

Adrian Peterson Lions

Season Imploding Predictions: Can you guess which directions I'm taking my prediction this week? I always go into a season expecting that division teams are going to split their games between each other, unless of course one of the teams is REALLY bad, like the Vikings of last year. Or maybe the Vikings of this year. Sometimes, that doesn't matter though. Division teams always get up to play each other, and weird shit then happens. But we already played an amazing game against the Lions this year which we won, but which we just BARELY held on to win. Does history repeat itself? I don't think so. I'll hold my judgment on Musgrave's "new offensive strategy" I suppose, but we still have Ponder throwing the ball, a poor offensive line, no Percy Harvin, and frankly a poor defense that's only gotten worse throughout the season, amazingly. That's not a recipe for success. So until this team proves they've turned another corner, I got us down for another loss, likely 27-17 or something. 

So, excited?! You … Shouldn't be. I hope you have some other plans either during or immediately after the game. Go catch the new Bond movie, Skyfall, maybe. It's going to be awesome, I promise. If you MUST stick around though, you can rant all you'd like in our game thread on Sunday. See you then, and god bless your poor soul.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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