Look At How Old Jerry Burns Is

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Look at this old bastard, this ancient disgruntled pepaw. What a bad ass. He’s just sitting there with a perma-scowl on his face, and – frankly – I don’t blame him. How would you feel if the company you use to run, or the boat you use to own, or the woman you use to date, was getting run into the ground by a bunch of slap happy, dandy sailing buffoons that would lay on their back for any kind of chump change? I’d be pretty pissed too. I’d say to them, “Look, you problem YOUTHS, stop this behavior right now! Stop it or I’ll hit you with a cane!” I can’t wait to get old.

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Jerry Burns was interviewed looking like a mean old Paw to talk about Chris Doleman’s induction in the Hall of Fame, which happened last Saturday. I’m assuming there is video of this out there somewhere, but I haven’t bothered looking, because let’s be honest … I’m one of those asshole youths that Burnsy is probably so upset with. Could you imagine his reaction if he heard about some asshole writing “blogs” about his favorite team? He’d probably shoot me with an authentic Cival War firearm. And I’d deserve it, at least until he read the content and was like, “This little shit smear is right! This team is full of a bunch of pussies! I’m so mad, I’m going to take a nap!” And he could, because old people get to do whatever they want.

Anyway, Jerry Burns is now 85 years old, but he totally doesn’t look a day over 78. I also went through his Wikipedia page because I wanted to do some very authentic journalism in this post, and I came across the following passage that pretty much is like a direct confirmation from him based on past actions of what he would think of this current team and probably the state of America:

On November 5, 1989, Burns gave a profanity laced tirade at a media session where he defended his offensive coordinator, Bob Schnelker, despite the fact that the Vikings’ Rich Karlis kicked a then league record-tying seven field goals.

What a man. I bet when he goes to Arby’s he orders his meal at the cash register and then just stands there and waits until they give it to him. He doesn’t give two flying fucks. Want him to move? Hurry up. Give him what he paid for quicker and we wouldn’t have this problem. The man is 82 years old, god dammit. He remembers when no one ever had been in space, let alone landing hot rods on Mars and taking HD color photos. GTFO with that sci-fi shit, you nerds.

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The only drawback about Burns are his other associations. He was a player and assistant at University of Michigan for a time, then coached at Iowa and FUCK IOWA obviously, then he spent some time with the Packers before eventually landing with the Vikings. You know what they say though … Sometimes you have to sift through a whole lot of shit before you finally find that diamond. Sounds like Jerry did just that.

Cheers to you, Grandpa. Don’t ever get young.

For all you saggy old readers out there, I’d love to hear your favorite Jerry Burns story in the comments.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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