Every year it’s the same damn scenario. The Madden video game franchise barely let’s old dogs die (last season to pass) before they start poking Vikings fans’ dead, bloated bodies with a river stick, egging us on with how they want to screw the only good things on our team. Last year, they ran a contest to see which NFL player should be on the cover of their video game. The second whitest running back in the league at the time (Peyton Hillis, of course Toby Gerhart takes the top honors) somehow walked away with the award. Clearly, it’s a bunch of shit. Regardless, our very own Purple Jesus made it pretty far in the voting, which at the time was way too close to comfort. And now we all know why, because his knee exploded and our franchise is ruined.
Well, we can’t let that happen this year, people. We need to do everything in our power to make sure we SCREW one of the other NFC North teams as badly as we got thumb plugged. The opposing player doesn’t even have to win, they just have to make it far like Purple Jesus did, in hopes that this “Madden Curse” now extends to the final four contestants instead of just the cover athlete.
So, the rules are simple. Go to the SportsNation Facebook page and vote on whichever NFC North player you hate the most, and don’t vote at all on the Vikings players (Jared Allen and Percy Harvin … we kind of need them). Then say some voodoo prayers, stab felt dolls that look like Aaron Rodgers, and pray to Cthulhu that one of the OTHER teams’ players gets hurt this season. It’s only fair!
Other team pairings and suggested votings after the jump:
GREEN BAY PACKERS: The pairing for this inbred team includes everyone’s favorite hermaphrodite, Clay Matthews, and “Most likely to come out of the closet” quarterback, Aaron Rodgers. If you were voting for which player you’d like to see guilty of rape charges and sent to jail for life, you’d pick Rodgers in this case. His impact on the team is far more than Matthews. We’ve seen the team sans Rodgers in the past and it’s pretty ugly. We’ve seen the team sans Matthews in the past too, but that’s just because teams got smart and ran plays away from him or just blocked his ‘roiding ass, and it wasn’t an issue. Matthews? Overrated. Vote Rodgers!
CHICAGO BEARS: Jay Cutler and his bruised labia, or Matt Forte and his swollen nipples? Losing either player wouldn’t hurt the Bears that much. However, I’d have to give the need for voting the curse upon to Cutler, as we all saw what happened to this team of chimps when their strokey-faced leader went down; they back door’ed into the playoffs and then got shit stomped. Nice work, ladies! So, I guess, vote Cutler to get hurt again so we can see more mopey faces. I LOVE Cutler mopey faces.
DETROIT LIONS: The over-confident malcontents here include MC Stafford and Megatron. If we were voting for who had the largest bitch tits, you would clearly vote for Stafford here. However, bitch tits are unbecoming of an NFL star and Madden cover “athlete,” or so I hear. In that case, the only real option to vote for who you want to get Madden Curse’d is Megatron. I don’t care if it’s Dan Orlovsky or Drew Stanton back there for the Lions … If Megatron is out there prancing through his routes against our girl scout team in the defensive backfield, it’s game over, man. Toast. Any chance you can take to get Megatron off the field is a good one. Vote Calvin Johnson for the curse!
BONUS! MIAMI DOLPHINS: Bonus vote! EA and SportsNation apparently started this voting procedure before Brandon Marshall got traded to the Bears. That’s totally OK by me, though, because that means we just get more Bears players to vote closer to the winner’s circle of pain. Although it may be tempting to vote Reggie Bush over Marshall, because Bush is such a wiener, show restraint! Vote Marshall and hurt the NFC North teams doubly. You can do it!
If everything works out for us, we should have the key players on each of our divisional teams break femurs and we can waltz right into the division title and playoffs, even with our squad of grave diggers. I like our odds.