"As a Harvard graduate, former Walter Peyton NFL Man of the Year, and a human being who cares very deeply about America and American values, I felt it was time for me to step to the forefront on a controversial issue that has been discussed heavily in our society. No, I'm not talking about whether or not Joe Flacco is a franchise quarterback … [holds for polite laughter] … But rather, the serious issue of gay marriage being legally recognized by our government. Frankly, allowing gay marriage would destroy this great country and everything it has stood for, because I don't like the idea of it. Pondering how I am supposed to tell my children that it is acceptable for two women to love each other openly, respectfully, and with trust and honestly, disregards all of the Bible's teachings and is a clear act of law breaking, which frightens me to death. I refuse to let my children grow up in a world of anarchy where these sins are so openly campaigned for, and will do anything I can with my stature as an NFL football player to make sure my children, and ALL children, don't live in a horrifying world such as this.
"However, on the topic of another man placing his hands so gingerly near my sweaty genitals several times during a football game? That is something I can sign high praises supporting.
"Don't get me wrong – I think two people loving each other is a wonderful thing. And I can even respect two people of the same sex loving each other, say, as a brother loves another brother, or as a father loves a son. But the moment those relationships involve inappropriate touching? Too much. They must be stopped at all costs. Look at all the examples of terrifying, same sex scandals that have been in the news over the past decade? The liberal media will try to tell you that Catholic Priests were raping little boys, but those instances were pretty much same sex gayness at it's worst. And molestation cases like we saw with Gerry Sandusky? A terrible crime! These children were brain washed into having gay sex with this old man, which is exactly what I imagine happens on dates between two consenting adults of the same sex, everywhere and anywhere. I've never been on one of those dates, obviously, but I'm pretty much an expert on people who sin, so you can take my word that this is the only way gay love can occur. Also, these are obviously direct correlations to what is also happening in gay marriages, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would support this behavior.
"What I can support though is when Joe Flacco gets behind me on a direct snap during a football game. It's usually the best when it's in the fourth quarter though, and he's leading a dramatic comeback victory. Every nerve in my body is just on fire during that moment in anticipation. He'll sidle up behind me and gently place the palm of his hand on my lower back, just to let me know he's there, to steady me and calm my nerves. He'll begin scanning the defense and barking orders to me, submitting me and demanding my blocking scheme. It's exhilarating. I acknowledge his fervent calls and yell out what I'm also seeing from the defense, as we reach a perfect synergy between the two of us. Sometimes, I'll even hold hands with the left guard to make sure that we are all connected on a deeper, personal level. It's almost devine. Then Joe will enthusiastically thrust his hands into my gap, rapping his knuckles against my scrotum in a secret language that only the two of us understand. I sometimes feel his sweat hit my spine as he bends over me, waiting for the ball, especially if it's been a hard fought game between men who push, pull, thrust, and grab at each other. It's OK though, I like it. The sweat is often cool and brings me back to the moment. With a jolt then, he'll snap his hand against my cup, and like Pavlov's Dog I react instantly, slinging the football back into his hands. Before I let go though, I will sometimes caress his knuckles as we pass the ball between us, even occasionally giving his fingers a tight squeeze just to let him know that, hey, Joe, I'm here, and I believe in you.
"I also use to do this with Daunte Culpepper, but it was never as exciting. It's not because he was black, it was just because he had smaller hands.
"But that's sport, and is totally outside of this conversation. When it comes to gay marriage, I believe my stance is pretty clear and reflects that of most American's who still hold true American values. You are free to disagree with me, and I will forever fight for your right to do so, but on an issue of this magnitude so greatly affecting our children because I told them that it does, I promise you now that I will not stand down until this battle is won in my favor.
"Or until Joe calls me back to the huddle."
*Psst! This is obviously satire. Surprise! Matt Birk never said any of this quote. He did, however, write this "Opinion" piece in the Star Tribune recently that pretty much covers everything here. In response, the much smarter and better looking Chris Kluwe wrote a follow-up piece that pretty much puts Matt Birk in a box and sends him to Kuala Lumpur. I WANT KLUWE'S BRAIN FOR MY OWN. Or at least to write Kluwe in as President after he retires.