Minnesota Vikings Free Agency News, Like It Matters

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BOY GUYS, THERE IS JUST SO MUCH MINNESOTA VIKINGS FREE AGENCY NEWS WE HAVE TO GET CAUGHT UP ON!

……..

So there are, like, four new names on the team thanks to Spielman’s savvy free agency signings over the past week-ish time, and I thought it’d be helpful if we did a nice consolidated post that covered all of the moves. I KNOW, I KNOW, it’s difficult staying on top of the flurry of franchise changing activity that the Vikings have been participating in, but bear with me and we’ll get you all caught up for the weekend on names you are completely entitled to forget within the first six days of training camp this year, assuming these blowhards last that long.

ON TO THE SEXY PLAYERS!

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CHRIS CARR: Chris Carr, most recently an injured cornerback for the Ravens, hasn’t ACTUALLY signed yet, but … I mean, come on! … It’s the Vikings! We have sexy horns and facial hair! We always get the players we want in free agency, right?! ……… Anyway, he’s the latest player to come in for a visit, and fits what you’ll find to be a theme this offseason: Formerly young, decent-to-good players who spent recent years injured who the Vikings are hoping will have a bounce-back and impactful year on the cheap. That’s it. That’s the strategy. Not, “Go out and find the best damn cornerback to lock down one side of the field against a tough group of wide receivers in the NFC North,” or “Sign the best damn linemen we can find to protect the China Doll Ponder from getting split in two!” No. It’s the discount bin. THAT’S how you rebuild a team! As far as Carr goes, he has been pretty good and if he’s healthy enough to play, he’d be a nice addition. Except … He’s 5’10″ and 180 lbs. That is going to be a SWEET match-up for Calvin Johnson.

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GEOFF SCHWARTZ: The one, maybe, possibly, legitimate big signing by the team so far is former Carolina Panthers offensive linemen Geoff Schwartz, BUT … He again was an injury case where other teams passed on him during this free agency period because they didn’t know if his body was made of gelatin and strands of Penelope Cruz’s hair. Soft, yet luscious! If healthy, the guy can’t be any worse than the rotten fruit we kept throwing out there last year, so let’s all quietly pray that Purple Jesus has touched him to heal all his wounds, and he can fill in admirably for Steve Hutchinson. If not? Hey, it’s only a one year deal! We’ll just find another injured player next year!

JEROME FELTON: Felton is a fullback formerly of the Panthers as well. He’s young, but has bounced around. He also joins a crowded backfield already at the fullback position (that’s a crowded position, we both say?) that includes everyone’s favorite guido Ryan D’Imperio. Will Felton be able to stand out in the crowd? I hope so. Say it’s a form of Stockholm Syndrome post-Tahi era, but I love the fullback position. I loved Tony Richardson when he was here, and I hope one of these bulldozers catches on. Shit, put the White Fetus-head back there, I don’t care.

LEX HILLIARD: Another fullback, potentially. We touched on him earlier this week and determined that the best thing about him is easily his name. Likely won’t make the team, but nor would I, so who gives a shit what I say about him, right?

NICK TAYLOR: Another guy we covered earlier this week. Remember him? He’s the new Ricky Rubio!

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JOHN CARLSON: Tight end formerly of the Seattle Seahawks, Carlson comes in seeming a bit repetitive. Isn’t he kind of like Kyle Rudolph already? Someone who we underutilized last year in this offense after using a second round pick on him? Is the contract he got at something like $5 a year really worth it? Can his man-piece replace Shiancoe’s? The answer to the only important question asked there is no, absolutely it cannot.

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LETROY GUION: Guion has been trying to find a place on the team for several years now. He was drafted out of Florida State – I think, but I don’t really care – facing issues of indiscipline and immaturity. He may be older, but that doesn’t mean he’s any more mature! If he could finally put some things together, he may still be useful for the team. By re-signing him, the Vikings have shown they are willing to work with him on his development, time which would probably be better spent on forcing Tobey Gerhart to get a damn haircut.

FRED EVANS: Like Guion, a player that came in cheap to the Vikings after bouncing around and has tried to find a spot. He did fine in spot duty for Pat Williams years ago, but I’m not a real fan of him as a starter. Also, can you think of any other football player named “Fred” that you’ve been excited about? Me either.

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SAGE ROSENFELS: BEST SIGNING OF THE OFFSEASON! So wise, so old, so SAGE. THIS is how you bring in a back-up quarterback. Enjoy the teacher’s role, Sage! Glad to have your helicopter blades to fly us to safety in 2012!

So there you go. Absolutely nothing to get excited about except for maybe the opportunity to dust off your Sage jerseys. Which player are you (not) most excited for thus far? Let’s hear it, and the Spielman ripping, in the comments!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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