I don’t have much to say on the politics surrounding the stadium besides I think all young people are stupid anyway, so I don’t see the point in taking more of my hard earned money and wasting it on morons who refuse to do their damn geometry homework anyway, so why not just put it towards a stadium? HEY HIPSTER, GET OFF MY LAWN!
As is, I instead like to complain like a bitter old man about any and all proposed stadium designs, because discussing finer details of fictional architecture makes me feel like I’m a New Yorker type reader, pompous, asinine, and smell of silk ascots. Also, it’s not like the DESIGN is going to actually affect any lives like the possible funding sources would, so it helps keep this blog clean of political lectures. Unless we’re talking about liberal hippies.
The Minnesota Vikings released three updated stadium proposal designs this week showcasing how a new stadium would help revitalize the east Minneapolis downtown area. Today, we look at each of these pictures in turn and offer out takes on them, starting with notes from the image you see above:
- First of all, get out. Fireworks downtown? Has anyone EVER seen that happen? It’s not even over the river. This view looks south. What, you’re going to shoot them over 94 and cause people to swerve and kill each other? Whatever you got to do for population control, I guess.
- I’m trying to figure out which jack ass CEO in that building thought it’d be hilarious to leave the lights on to spell out “GO VIKES,” like their candle light vigil is going to prevent Aaron Rodgers from throwing for six touchdowns. It has to be like the Wells Fargo Center, right? To far back to be the US Bank Building or another tall governmen one, and doesn’t look anything like IDS or the others. There aren’t that many tall buildings downtown, so the options are limited. Either way, fire that guy.
- I don’t see like three parking ramps, half of HCMC, and most of the Star Tribune. I figure the Trib is fine since they want to sell their land anyway and forget that their newspaper is failing, but this is showing a whole lot of Vikings-used land that they don’t actually have. Unless the stadium is actually just as large as a high school baseball field, then I think it might actually be to scale.
- It looks like they propose to expand the stadium’s physical space more east, cutting into that large tract of land that has always been available for parking that no one knows who uses it. That’s a good proposal, one that I can get behind, mainly because I think those spots are saved for newspaper people, and they write dribble anyway. They should be forced to ride public transportation like the rest of us hobos.
- If they really name this place the “Minnesota Sports Complex” I’ll burn it to the ground. I mean, they won’t, (right?), they can’t, but if they did … What the hell, guys. Maybe try “General Mills’ Feed Shack” or “Thrivent Lutheran’s Sunday Temple” or something else, anything else …
- And a Vikings logo on the top of the building? Eeehhhhhh … Why not just a big penis? It’d be less offensive.
Here is another view, giving you a little bit better idea of what we’re looking at. This looks like it’s facing east towards the stadium.
- Uh, I conveniently don’t see the Crack Stacks behind them? Truly an “artist’s rendition.”
- The light rail, which goes down 5th Street, looks completely undrivable. That’s bush league. I love watching morons almost get into car accidents by trying to get into the right lane on 5th Street at the very last second. I also want to smash my car back into them so they get hit by the train, but that’s neither here nor there. Rather, I use 5th Street daily and would like to continue to do so!
- So there’s a park area in the middle of the city now? That will turn out well. “But we can tailgate there!” No, that’s where they’ll set up concession stands and where you’ll spend $25 on a retrofitted Dome Dog. Barf.
Finally, here’s another shot kind of behind the proposed stadium looking west towards the skyline. I will say that I think Minneapolis does have a pretty awesome skyline, and so this picture makes me happy. However, SURPRISE! Here are some things which DON’T make me happy!
- Green and gold banners in your stadium proposal? You bastards.
- They are also clearly lying again by photoshopping in so many people. You would NEVER see this many people milling about during a Vikings game! … They’d all be at home!
- I guess from here, that glass structure behind the lightrail stop looks like a parking ramp … But how easy is it to get into? I guess you can go down 4th Street … Or maybe cut in from Portland … It doesn’t really look like Park Ave around the stadium would be driveable. And can you imagine fighting through drunkards on gameday to get to that parking? For like $50? No thanks! Public transportation for this infidel! *sobs*
- And what the hell is that, a soccer field? Why do the Thunder get a playing field out of this deal? I’d rather see Target Center upgraded.
All in all, I’m just messing around. I don’t give a really shit. I mean, I hope they build something there … anywhere. Whatever. I’d still go to a game there if they built it just like this, like, once … maybe … And be disappointed that we still can’t win in a new stadium. But at least I’ll be able to be upset over a football team that I call mine, and that’s what’s important!