After Purple Jesus was tricked by the Devil this week and got arrested, I saw some crazy stat online that said something like, since 2000, the Minnesota Vikings are the NFL team with the most arrests, which I am both proud of and embarrassed by all at once. I don’t know if this is really true – because, shit, the Bengals and Tampa Bay are still out there, right? – but it sure feels like it recently.
So between this and a question that Bob Sansevere raised in passing but never brought to fruition, where he asked which Minnesota athlete would surprise you most if they were now arrested (he said Joe Mauer, but watch it, those “perfect” guys are always the weirdest. I bet he choker-bates naked in closets), Purple Jesus Diaries got to wondering what the odds were of five current Vikings players to be arrested next. The results … MAY SURPRISE YOU!!!
But probably won’t. But read anyway.
Christian Ponder – Odds of Arrest 150/1: The odds aren’t GREAT here that Shirtless Ponder would be the next Vikings player to be arrested, but they aren’t terrible either. And that in some dumbass, round-about way actually makes sense. On one hand, he seems like a smart, likeable kid that knows he’s got the responsibility of an NFL franchise on his shoulders now, that as an NFL quarterback you have a small window to succeed and that doing something stupid to get you arrested would have the chance of hurting your career pretty badly (Unless you rape a chick in the bathroom, then it’s apparently cool, BEN). On the other hand? … God, he’s kind of fratty, isn’t he? I mean, he went to Florida State. You know he’s bound to get caught up with some bros in Ray Bans some weekend at the Seville and get in a fight or some shit. It’ll happen, and I hope he takes his mug shot shirtless.
Chad Greenway – Odds of Arrest 84,934,543/1: Think about the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life. Maybe you hit and ran on a car one night while drinking. Maybe you were a bully in grade school and pushed a kid down the stairs. Maybe you cheated on your college boyfriend and never told him. These are things that Chad Greenway can’t even watch on TV because they hurt his feelings. Greenway is the whitest, saint-iest person I could ever even try to imagine, and the idea of him getting in trouble with the police is almost laughable. What would he be in trouble for? Driving below the minimum speed limit on the highways? renewing his license tabs too early? Obstructing traffic as he lets every pedestrian cross before him? It’s not happening, folks. Greenway’s clean.
Michael Jenkins – Odds of Arrest 600/1: Jenkins kind of falls into the same category as Greenway. They’re both just seemingly nice guys, dammit! But Jenkins differs slightly. He’s older, which makes him a bit gruffer and less likely to put up with some stupid kid’s sagging pants, back talk, and other bull shit. He’s also more mysterious, maybe just because he came from Atlanta and we didn’t follow him off-the-field exploits as much. I don’t know what he’s capable of, but I can only assume the worst. Working against him, he IS from Ohio (played at Ohio State), so he may be pulling a Mike Cooper and jackin’ it in a public library. And, let’s all just be honest here … Being in Minnesota, he’s going to be the victim of some racial profiling. I don’t condone it, I don’t think it’s right, as a society we should demand change from our police forces, but … It’s going to happen, folks. That increases his chances of being arrested next pretty high.
Charlie Johnson – Odds of Arrest 570/1: Look at him. Do you think HE’S going to do anything that warrants arrest? He looks like that guy in jail that’s the fresh meat that gets watched over by Chong, like in Half Baked. He’s like a poorly defending teddy bear. The only things working against him too are the fact that he’s GOING to suffer from racial profiling, and that he sucks so bad at his job that a police person may just feel so inclined to pull him over on a Friday and lock him up with bail set on Monday morning. That’d be one way to improve the offensive line …
Chris Kluwe – Odds of Arrest 5/1: Oh, Kluwe’s next, for sure. If we learned anything this week, it’s that if Purple Jesus can go down, no one is safe. And with Kluwe always running his mouth, speaking out on controversial topics, calling other people douche bags, and playing in a rock and roll band, he’s obviously the anti-thesis of authority and is just chomping at the bit to take down the man. All it will take is one night out in downtown Minneapolis, one cop looking for a rep, and Kluwe will go PUNTER on his ass, subsequently getting himself thrown in jail, only to turn around and create unseen civil unrest through strong advocacy efforts, which culminate in that office getting arrested. I can’t wait.
What odds are you thinking? Leave them in the comments. If you guys the next Vikings player to be arrested correctly, I’ll photoshop a mug shot for you. Your treat!