*PPPPPPPPPFFFFFTFTFTFTFTFTFFTFTFTTFTFTTFTTFBALLOONDEFLATINGSOUND* Well dudes, it was a good run. After taking the weekend to use my feather pillow and 750 thread count sheets to soak up all the flowing tears and other uncontrollable bodily fluids that come out of me after a Vikings loss, I think I'm prepared to discuss this game and make some general statements about the team:
– We got beat up pretty good. Defense looked exposed like a celebrity nipple slip.
– We're not a dynamic team this year that is going to compete for a Super Bowl. If we're still in the conversation for a division title come December, I promise you I will roll my shit-filled pants up like a burrito and eat them.
– I am starting to hate more and more of this team, which actually feels kindof reassuring.
– The Bucs are terrible. Really. 36 points? Everyone is fired.
– It makes zero sense when you really look at it, but until the Vikings win a game on national television (let along a BIG game, likea division one or a playoff game or something) I would safe it's pretty safe to assume that they're just not ready for serious contention talk. Winning noon games is easy. It's like playing shuffle board then.
Now that those realizations are out of the system, let's get to hating on stuff!
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: There are probably lots of players you could give this poop stamp to this week, and all would be deserving. I wanted to give it to someone on the defense, but I couldn't justify just ONE person. I mean, the entire defensive line probably deserves it for allowing a ROOKIE Doug Martin to go Preist Holmes all over them. And I could give it to Purple Jesus (if I wanted a ticket to Hell, I guess) for his momentum killing fumble that turned into seven points. But he also ran off a super sexy touchdown run that made up for it. Instead, I figured to keep scouring the offense. The easy scapegoat for people this week was Christian Ponder, but then I looked at his stats compared to Josh Freeman's, and they were nearly identical outside of two additional touchdowns and a garbage time interception. The difference? I guess Freeman has more than one receiver who can make a play. And making plays DOES NOT include Jerome Simpson fumbling the ball so it can turn into three points for the opposing team. Oops. So there you go. Congrats, Jerome, for playing "pissed off" after you recent benching, nabbing two receptions for 37 yards and a fumble. You're such a deep threat!
No Doubt About It, Vikings Fans are Stupid: I shit you not, but the two biggest complaints I saw from Vikings fans after the loss included the following:
– Christian Ponder will never be a franchise quarterback! He sucks! He can't even throw the ball down the field! Put in Joe Webb!
– That dummy Leslie Frazier! He has no business being an NFL Head Coach! Worst in the league! Show some emotion on the sidelines, will ya already?! You suck!
So – bear with me here, I can be a bit slow – let me see if I got this straight. You want a guy who has now started 17 games in the NFL, who has been working under play calling that only would have been effective for Knute Rockne, who has receivers who refuse to gain seperation from defenders and get downfield, who plays behind an offensive line that starts Charlie Johnson, who still amazingly can run out from behind said offensive line and save our team's ass with feet or arm, to be benched in favor of a guy who should be a wide receiver? OK. And you want the coach to scream a bit more, lose his temper, and you think that somehow magically puts fairy points on the board? OK. You guys are all pretty smart, so I'm going to trust you all on this one and take a back seat and just guess that if we started Joe Webb and fired Leslie Frazier and asked Bill Musgrave to take over play calling duties (because that's realistically all that could happen when you're MID SEASON), that we'd go undefeated the rest of the way. Brilliant plan, choad munchers.
Tightening Up in the NFC North: So not only did the Vikings lose this week, which was bad enough, but every other team in the NFC North ended up winning, which also sucked. The Lions won, but whatever, they are horrible this year. The Bears were able to pull out a ridiculous win over the Panthers when they ended up scoring 14 points in like 38 seconds or something, thanks to a laser TD pass from Sulk-Face and a pick-six from some guy named Jennings on their defense. I'd be more upset about all of this, except that it helped to make Cam Newton look more like a shit head, so that's always nice. And the Bears are quite clearly "good" this year, so, OK, let them be good. It happens every two years. The Packers on the other hand have been able to claw their lady fingers back into contention now as well, and are tied for our squad of morons at 5-3 now, after they beat the Jaguars. The Jags admittedly played the Pack tough, but pissed it all away in the fourth quarter. That shouldn't surprise or upset me, but it does because a loss for the Wisconsin Pedophiles was pretty close. All this means is that the last month of the season is going to get PRETTTTYYYY ugly. Can't wait.
The SHIT List: Depending on whether the team wins or loses, we compile a SHIT or IT list of players (or franchise related people and things) that really affected the team in the last week. Since we lost this week, we'll be pulling out the stops for the bad of dildos that made me pretty angry:
– Bill Musgrave (I HATE YOUR PASTY FACE AND YOUR PASTY PLAY CALLING!)
– Chris Cook (You know why you broke your hand? YOU KNOW WHY.)
– Idiot Vikings Fans (Keep your opinions to yourself, or just let the smart people like me talk)
– Chad Greenway (Maybe, when a guy is going up to catch the ball above you, you should put your hands UP instead of Down to try and defend it. Simple suggestion.)
– Christian Ponder (First: Dump Samantha Steele. She's clearly not working. Two: Take your shirt off and win already!)
– Mr. Fumble-Saurus (Stop creeping into the game when my team has the ball and forcing us to fumble. Not cool. I will feed you more virgins if you need them, OK?)
"Here's my prediction -
The only way the Vikes win,
Is if Bucs, don't, show!"
Alright, that's all this game deserves. We got a week before we go to Seattle and have that piece of shit Russell Wilson embarrass us. I swear to god, if we don't punch his face straight up to the Space Needle, I am going to pretty god damn upset.