A Million Monkeys, A Million Typewriters: That is pretty much the only way you can explain how the Minnesota Vikings beat the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, 24-13. In a word, it was stunning. Really, it was. Don't let anyone tell you different. Listen, I know we can be a bit pessimistic around here and get down on the team, and not pump blind, homer, KFAN-type sunshine so you think the team is going to win every week, because clearly they aren't, but the game Sunday was still impressive. The coaching was done well, the players did well, the defense looked competent, special teams was mostly solid … I mean, we looked like a real football team! I'm not trying to take anything away from that. But before we all have a wet spot grow slowly on our crotch, I do also need to pump the brakes a little bit, too. We had a nice game. One nice game. We also played like shit against the Jaguars, which we won but in overtime, and the Colts, who we lost to on the road. For reference, the Jaguars beat the Colts on the road today, so I have no idea where that puts us. Maybe we're getting a bit better, as a young team growing up. Maybe Antoine Winfield should just be the coach after his pep talk last week. Whatever the case, we won, but we're not a shoe-in for the Super Bowl or anything right now, let alone even a four win season. We don't have that luxury.
Point being? Hurray! Vikings win a game they weren't suppose to win! That was legitimately exciting, like legitimate rape. But? Get back to work, assholes, and let's do it again.
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: I'm kind of afraid to say it, but I think Christian Ponder might end up being good. Even if he keeps his shirt ON, which is pretty much heresy to say. He showed up again today and made some solid throws and good decisions with the ball. More than anything, he's not going to make bone-headed turnovers any more than Blaine Gabbert would, or something. Sure, Ponder probably should have been picked off a couple more times this year so far, but he hasn't. Every quarterback in the league gets some of those passes, so it's fine. But the fact is that Ponder put in another great game on this young season, which means that three games of solid play is becoming a trend. Clearly, his 23-yard run was a pretty big play for the team, one that we needed to have because when you're playing a team like the 49ers, as grossly cliche as this is to say, you can't settle for field goals, especially not when you have the defense that we do. Regardless, I'm kind of getting excited to see what Ponder does every week now, and with Jerome Simpson coming back to give him another weapon, and his growing chemistry with Kyle Rudolph, I dare say we have a potential for boner-inducing QB play week in and week out. For that, Ponder gets a Mushroom Stamp of Approval.
F*ck Your Fat Face, Toby Gerhart: Toby, what the f*ck are you doing? Are you single handily trying to shit all over this win for us? Do you not want to ever see the field again? Because that's pretty much the message I'm gathering from your amazingly shit-tastic play. Listen, you chipmunk vagina, I get that you're probably a little Debbie Downer about Purple Jesus defying human scientific knowledge and coming back to play from his leg being broken in a billion pieces earlier than expected, but f*cking deal with it. You still have a god damn role to play on this team, and it doesn't involve fumbling the ball three f*cking times in four f*cking carries in TWO F*CKING MINUTES. What is wrong with you?! Are you seriously retarded?! Seriously. No, it's a serious question. I'm honestly worried about your brain piece, because your hand fingers and throwing away the ball toy as you try to poop brown a win away from the team. You cock sucker. Just a huge blower of cock. Mouth meet penis. I am really hating your stupid face right now. Shape the f*ck up. Seriously. Unheard of. God dammit.
The Shit List: We continue to keep a week to week running tally of who it is from the organization that is moved to my shit list either through craptacular play or because they pissed me off for various reasons, as a player mostly, and not necessarily as a human being. But sometimes as a human being. After week three, that list includes (in no particular order):
Michael Jenkins (Get open more already)
Mistral Raymond (I'm not actually made at YOU, I'm just mad you got hurt so we have to play Sanford now)
Jared Allen (Congrats on your garbage time sack, and your ZERO other tackles, franchise defensive end!)
Toby Gerhart (Are you f*cking serious, Toby)
Ragnar (I hate your bald head still)
Notes and Nips: Lot's of other little notes from the game, so let's get to it:
– I don't have the exact numbers, but Purple Jesus must average like 2.1 yards per carry against the 49ers in his career. That really pisses me off, because him and Patrick Willis will always be compared to each other because they were in the same draft class, and so far it looks like Willis has the upper hand. Bastard!
– I love Percy Harvin so much. If he leaves the team, I hope he goes to New England while Belichek and Brady are still there, because watching that team use midgets on offense gave be an engorged male organ. Percy would have been the best receiver EVER there. He either leaves, or we just need smarter coaches.
– That sounds mean to say, and I kind of take that back, because I think we actually had pretty good coaching today. Again, Frazier's clock management was respectable at the end of the half like it was in the Colts game, too. Respectable is a huge upgrade from where he was, so I'll take it.
– The replacement refs are horrible and it needs to stop, but it's not them that need the blame, it's the stupid f*cking NFL for being a bag of slits in dealing with the real refs. I swear, when Ed Hochuli gets on the screen finally some day, my dick will be out in my hand for the entire game. No one can stop me.
– Blair Walsh has made a 50+ yard field goal in three straight games. That's like an NFL rookie kicker record, or something. On Twitter, there was also the nickname LEGATRON getting passed around. I like it, but it's clearly second fiddle to Megatron, so we can't keep it. Care Blair is still for me.
– Uh, Kluwe? EXPERT PUNTER! +10 Experience points!
– I was at the Nebraska football game this weekend, and they did a slow motion wave. I normally hate the wave, with all the passion of a 50 Shades of Grey book, but the slow motion wave was legitimately cool. I can vouch for it.
– I kind of figured that Jared Allen would revert to the mean after his near-record breaking sack season last year, but one sack in garbage time in three games? This is getting a bit ridiculous. Nut up already.
– Josh Robinson with an interception was nice. In fact, all of our turnovers were nice to see. That's allowed to happen? We can TAKE the ball away? Never knew.
Anything else I missed that you want to discuss? Hit up the comments.
Don't tell anyone,
But I had some rookie nerves
And pooped my pants! Laugh!
Seriously, cool stuff. The Vikings are ABOVE .500 FOOTBALL again, and it's not even just the end of week one! I never thought I would again see the day, yet here we are. Winning football games is a blast, and I look forward to doing it again in the near future. In fact, we might have a crazy ass chance to do it next week too, if Matthew Stafford is out. He hurt his arm late in their game against the Titans this week, so you never know. I'll take wins any way I can get them. Don't judge me. Enjoy victory Monday, folks.