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PJD’s Masturbatory Game Thread Preview: Vikings vs. Colts

Vikings Colts Banner

Alright, I done goofed. I had a busy week last week and didn't throw up a proper game preview thread. At this point, doing so seems a bit fruitless, but god dammit, I have scotch to recommend and Shirtless Vikings news that you all need to hear! Plus make predictions about the football game today, too, of course. All that, and we need a Purple Jesus Diaries Game Thread, so here we are. You get a little bit of everything this morning, including my surly self. Hurray!

So let's jump into this Sunday morning treat and cheer on another Vikings win! Or at least not an embarrassing Vikings loss. I'm actually OK with either.

Vikigns Colts Preview

First, here is your weekly game day preview graphic, courtesy of KILLERCHEF from Rube Chat. I like to have a collection of these, even if I don't photoshop them, because why not.

Remembering the Last Meaningful Colts Game: In the meantime, I'm trying to prepare myself for another Vikings/Colts showdown, because the last one I remember I don't have very fond memories of. It involved that cock hole Peyton Manning hitting Reggie Wayne for a 4th quarter pass that allowed them to get into field goal range and kick the game winner as time expired. The entire game, Brad Childress coached our players not to win, but just to prevent any further anal leakage so that we wouldn't slip too hard on the viscera out on the field. Didn't matter. We lead 15-0 late in the 3rd and still ended up losing. What an awesome time! I'm just hoping for a different outcome this year.

Indianapolis Colts Fans

You Don't Deserve This, Colts Fans: I am also pretty upset at all Colts fans, whether they actually deserve it or not, for transitioning from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck, especially when we were much more deserving of a shot at Luck or RGIII than either the Colts of Redskins were. We were WAY worse than the Colts and Rams (who had and traded that RGIII pick to the Skins), but ended up with the third pick because we won a meaningless shitty game while also losing our best player in franchise history to an atom bombed knee. I will never forgive Leslie Frazier for these moves. Regardless, a franchise like the Colts getting "awarded" Andrew Luck is shit. They've had fucking Johnny Unitas and Peyton Manning come through their doors. The Vikings? Oooo, Fran Tarkenton and Daunte Culpepper! ASS. Complete ass. And don't start on the Warren Moon, Brett Favre, Gus Frerotte bullshit. They were all minimal year stop gaps, not franchise QBs like the Colts have trotted out. What a bunch of spoiled cunt rags. I hope we murder them today.

Glenkinchie Distillers edition

Scotch of the Week: Unless you live out of state, you probably can't go out and buy the Scotch of the Week today, but that's alright. This scotch isn't that great, and hopefully you're still working on one of the other bottles I've suggested. Also, if you are in-state and do need scotch and are thinking about running to Wisconsin this morning to pick some up, I would probably not do that. The scotch they probably have over there was made either in a cattle trough or a toilet bowl. Either way, I'm not drinking either of those. But still, we need to talk booze here. So this week, we take a look at Glenkinchie – Distillers Edition. It's got a nice light amber, mixed with yellow color too it, like the trailing tint of when you pee out a little bit of blood in the morning. It's an easy drink for women because it's not super peaty, but rather has more floral, and fruit notes, with even a hint of apple shortbread. Mmmm! It's like 99 Berries! But PROTIP: Many of these feminine tasting qualities are thanks to this version of Glenkinchie being aged in light sherry barrels. SCIENCE. It's also a mild mouthfeel, and the taste dissipates rather quickly, unlike the mouth loud you left the hooker last night after eating shell fish and pickles. Think about that one. Better add more pineapple to your diet.

Shirtless Christian Ponder Kyle Rudolph John Sullivan

Shirtless Vikings Updates: Great news for everyone. Bloguin and I are in the process of adding a separate section to the website that will act as a Shirtless Vikings photo gallery depository. So if you are ever in need of quickly grabbing or referencing a Shirtless Vikings pic, Purple Jesus Diaries will now have you covered, IN SPADES! I'm not certain about the functionality of it yet (if you can search quickly or whatever for the fap material you want), but we'll work on it. Either way, this is great news. And of course, any time you come across a Shirtless Vikings pic that we don't have and needs to be added to the gallery, shoot us an email and we'll take care of it. Everyone wins!

Adrian Peterson vs Colts

Weak Ass Predictions: I don't like our chances in this game, as I explained in the Colts Authority Q&A prediction. Sure, the Colts defense may suck, Dwight Freeney sounds like he's out today, and they have a rookie QB. But this rookie QB is probably the best rookie QB to take the field in years, and the Colts team is playing their first home game of the season, so all those fat hump fans will be salivating for a rookie win. It's going to be tough. Our team is equally young in important positions and I'm just not sure how we're going to respond on the road here. I'd like to think that we'll lean heavily on Purple Jesus (and we might), but he is still only self proclaimed 95% healthy right now, and I don't know where else we turn. Does Percy put on a show? Will our defense of retards show up? Will Kluwe somehow take the game over himself? Probably. I just can't comfortably predict a win though, so that's why I'm going with a 23-27 loss for us. After correctly predicting last week's win, I am now 1-0 on the season as well, so we'll see if the trend continues.

Enjoy the game everybody. Get your chat on in the comments section, and try not to punch yourself in the faces too much today.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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