It’s Finally Over: OR IS IT??!! No, just kidding, it is, thankfully. The entire 2011 nightmare has been whipped with a reed, muzzled with a pillow until death brings its sweet release, fed cyanide until it foamed at the mouth, and talked to death by a mother-in-law. Whichever euphemism you wish to use, the result is the same. Your Sundays have been freed, your heart can flutter anew, and we can forget that Donovan McNabb ever wore a purple jersey for us. Christ, doesn’t that seem like it was five years ago already? What a disaster. 2011 may go down as the worst year I can ever remember. Horrible defense, great Green Bay play, losing all your games to your division rivals, embarrassing meltdowns, your star player getting his knee exploded, Jared Allen can’t even get the sack record because that cock handler Favre helped that gap tooth maloof cheap to get it … If we had to play one more game I may have ended up traveling to Winter Park, building a funeral pyre around that son of a bitch, and watched it burn to the ground with the cheerleaders inside all with the stonefaced expression of a psychopath. BUT YOU LUCKED OUT! The season is over, now we just get to wonder when the team will move and never play in Minnesota again. The fun just never ends!
But before that happens, let’s wrap this crap hole up.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: I don’t even remember what happened. I know Shirtless Ponder played with his shirt on and threw a pick six, so that blew bull’s load. I’m just going to give the stamp to him, because despite looking interesting in the first couple games he started, he’s looked rough and scared (like the Korean in my trunk) ever since. If he didn’t have Percy Harvin to throw to in the flat every other play, he’d be in real trouble. As it is, his career is just in KIND of trouble, especially now that the Vikings have wrapped up the 3rd pick.
Locking Up that 3rd Pick: So, kind of disappointing. Third pick? You mean that final game where Ponder got knocked heterosexual and Purple Jesus received a grenade to the knee screwed us like all the fans knew it was going to? YOU STUPID MORONS. We can’t even lose correctly. I don’t remember how the final strength of schedule would have worked out, but the Colts sucked just enough to lock up the number one pick, while the Rams got their coach fired with the number two pick. Does … does that mean WE get to fire Big Leslie and hire Jeff Fischer? Or Bill Cowher? Please? Dammit. Instead, we get to put all our eggs into the Blackmon-Kalil-RGIII basket. It’s a pretty nice consolation prize if we’re not going to get Luck (not really …), and any of those guys could instantly upgrade the team. While we’ll dig into this dog and pony show much further in what will easily feel like a prolonged and torturous offseason for us losers, I’m starting to lean towards the RGIII option, where we take him and then trade him for a king’s ransom to get TWO first round picks, where we then take the left tackle from Stanford and CB Alfonzo Dennard from Nebraska. INSTANT UPGRADE!
Hey There, Jared Allen: Perhaps the absolute worst part of this game was the fact that Jared Allen got shafted out of the NFL sack record. Lord Favre strikes again! If he hadn’t turned over for Strahan all those years ago like a bitch in heat, Allen would be the undisputed sack leader for the league. As it is, that Subway loving horse face holds the record and Allen is left with the team record. Which, in his defense, is still pretty cool. I do remember early in the season when JA went on a terror and talk of the sack record came up. I thought people were crazy. CRAZY! But watching him get close to it was easily the best (only?) part of the game that was entertaining. Allen also moved into elite company, as there aren’t too many defensive players in the NFL who have 22 sacks in a season, and of those who do, I believe all of them are in the Hall of Fame. So think about that when we’re watching that crazed, mulletted man mutilate quarterbacks on the reg; You are watching a hall of famer play in his prime for the Vikings. COOL.
Worthless Notes: There was so many things over which we shouldn’t care about that happened in the game, it’s easier to break them down in bullet point form!
- The defense fooled me for the first half. I know it was Luke McCown (Cardinals “NOOO!), but the defensive backs were covering receivers and even the safeties were seen within spitting distance of the football. WHAT?! Way to only take 16 games to figure out your job.
- I honestly feel terrible for Cedric Griffin because his career is likely over. He’s played horrible this year after being one of the bright young stars on our defense for the past several. Two torn ACLs will do that to you. So it was nice to see him make a wildly awesome interception in the game. Props, bromigo.
- I also hate to admit it, but Toby Elephant ran pretty well. He’s got decent cut ability, vision, and white-guy speed. Trading up for him in the second round was a traveshamockery, but if he was being paid, like, 6th round money I would be ecstatic over him. As such, I’m just kind of meh.
- People who say Joe Webb should get a shot at being the QB of the future for the Vikings should be tarred and beaten. Joe Webb is interesting, and he has shown a tendency to make fine plays, but anyone who is still running 45 yards into their own backfield at the quarterback position in their second year – starter or not – is not a long term answer. Some of those “athletic” plays were atrocious. If you want someone to take a 45 yard sack or throw the ball away after burning 10 seconds off the clock running around like a goon, I could do that too. Shirtless, I might add.
- Also, anyone ever consider that if the opposing team had a full week to prepare for Joe like they do for Ponder that Webb’s game-results may look a bit different? Come on people, use your noodle.
- Jim Kleinsasser retired. Oh.
- I can’t tell if Everson Griffen on kick coverage is a joke or not, but he ends up doing pretty well. I still like that kid and think he’s got some decent potential for us. He should look into cutting Samson-Robison’s hair and stealing some of his minutes next year.
- Devin Hester didn’t return a kick against us! Props to Kluwe, obvi, and feel free to bask in this moral victory, as that’s all we have left.
Haiku for You:
“Oh my god, you gais!
I totally did it, Eeeeee!!
Cosmos totes on me!”
WE’RE FREE! Now, let us never speak of this season again. Except for the next month or so as we analyze every thing that went wrong and build up towards the draft. As most of you now know, just because the season ends doesn’t mean that laughs and mockery have to stop. Keep visiting Purple Jesus Diaries on the regular, where the offseason is actually our favorite time around here, because shit, gets, WEIRD. Well, at least no weirder than this past season. That was historically bad/weird. We’ll keep it pretty usual around here. Can’t wait.