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PJD’s Masturbatory Game One Preview: Yo Gabbert Gabbert

 

FOOTBALL! Do you know what's happening Sunday? Football. Vikings football. Real football, with real Vikings players, who are really going to run, and jump, and catch (hopefully), and tackle (maybe), and do all sorts of football STUFF for an entire game. AN ENTIRE GAME! It's – literally – been 37 years since the last day of Vikings football during the regular season. It's true. Look it up. Watching them this preseason has been one of the most agonizing experiences ever, which has just increased the level of excitement for Sunday. I mean, I'm so excited about a game between quite possibly two of the pussiest teams in the NFL that my finger tips are tingling, and not just because I went knuckle deep while wiping an hour ago "on accident." No, it's because I am using my fingers to skim around the internet, set fantasy rosters, read about game preparations, write about football … Holy crap, I almost can't take it. So, before the team actually takes to the field on Sunday and disappoints us, let's just let this exuberance flow out there right now and be happy. Let me, uncharacteristically, wish you all a very happy and successful football season, before we hit the 0-1 mark and all come crashing back down to Earth. Because keep in mind this little factoid … the NFL season has already started. We're already tied for the SECOND BEST RECORD IN THE LEAGUE right now, since the Giants are already 0-1. DO I SMELL A WILD CARD BERTH?! … Oh, no, that's just my tingling fingers. Whatever. Back to football, dudes.

Thanks to Randl9311 from Rube Chat for another, and the season's first, great game preview graphic!

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It's OK to Hate the Jaguars: Before I dive into this tirade, I do want to just say that the Jaguars fan in this GIF is cool by me. One of the all time greats.

Beyond that though, there might not be a more worthless franchise in the NFL than the Jacksonville Jaguars, and I say that taking into consideration that I'd like to just shit all over the Packers and force all those bastards in Wisconsin to have to cheer for the Bears. But I can't, because at least the Packers have history, success, and a gay quarterback. The Jags? They're like the red headed teenaged kid of the NFL. They've only been in the league 17 years and talk like they're so downtrodden and deserve better. No you don't, cock suckers, you're from Jacksonville. Jacksonville! Why not just put an NFL team in Asheville, or Lubbock, or Sioux Falls, for that batter. Probably would do just as well. And you've barely even had to experience failure. In your worst season ever, you went 4-12. What season was that? Oh, just the first season ever in the league where you had to pick players from a supplementary draft pool, grabbing players from every other team. Ever since? Never won any less than five games in a year. Do you know what type of ass rabies Vikings had to put up with last year? DO YOU?! Let me know when you get three wins this season, or when your dumb ass team finally moves to Los Angeles, and then we'll talk about suffering as a football fan.

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But Personally, I Hate Blaine Gabbert: Let me also just say how much I hate Blaine Gabbert. HATE Blaine Gabbert. As a Nebraska football fan, it gives me great visceral pleasure to see him fail in football after he had committed to the Huskers originally, decomitted, and then took his pussy cat tail between his legs to Missouri. He thought he was all hot shit after that other fat booger eater Chase Daniels helped Mizzou beat the shit out of Nebraska for several years. When it was finally Gabbert's turn, however, Nebraska stomped his face in and I loved it. As a fan that watched him move from high school football player to college recruit, to starting college quarterback, to …. TENTH?! overall pick? Wow. I think we're probably all learning this now, but the guy was never worth that much. MAYBE his hair cut is worth that much, but only because that's all he spends his hard earned draft pick money on. So let's just say that watching him eat shit last year was splendid, and I hope this trend continues on Sunday. If there is a day when Blaine Gabbert beats my football team, I will likely be so ashamed that there will never be enough soulless blow jobs (that I'll receive!) to destroy that feeling. I hope that day never comes.

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OMAIGAWDPURPLEJESUSISBACK: Great news, everyone! It sounds like the dead will rise from their tombs on Sunday as Purple Jesus is going to get back on the field Sunday. Oh, sure, Leslie Frazier is playing it all coy and being like, "Oh, I don't know, it's going to be a game time decision, we're going to take it easy, I'm a terrible coach," but don't let that fool you. Purple Jesus isn't going to put up with that shit, nor should he. Surprisingly, offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave is smart enough to know this (I honestly didn't think he had it in him). He said there's "not too much doubt" that PJ will play on Sunday, and he's right. Sure, it sounds like it's going to be more like 5-10 snaps rather than 25-30, but frankly we're splitting hairs here. I don't care if Purple Jesus only gets a single snap on Sunday. The fact that he'll be back on the field in less than a year since sending his knee through a meat grinder is incredible AND … iiitttt kinda gets my dick hard. I love it. And you know what? One snap, and he's going to be gone anyway. That's all he needs. So let's roll back that stone over his tomb and get this Revelations party started, y'all! It's Purple Jesus time!

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Dolan Comic of the Week: By now you should know that Dolan and Dolan comics are creepier than watching Bill Clinton giving his O-Face. This GIF is no different, as I just imagine the image starts over right before – if it were real life – Dolan lunges toward you, chops off your cock with a battle axe, and feeds it to a goat, while also chopping off the goat's cock and feeding it to your face that also now has eye balls swelling with tears. Kind of like the Leader of the Stone Crows, Shagga, in Game of Thrones, except even more frightening because Dolan is a god damn cartoon. Honestly, once you all just start appreciating Dolan comics you'll let yourself disappear into the rabbit hole of the deepest, darkest parts of the internet. Come join me. It's weird as shit here, guys.

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Scotch of the Week: Have you bought a bottle of scotch for the season yet? No? What are you, poor? Get it together. The preseason is over, jaundice baby. Hit up your liquor store and start BUYING. Consider this bottle of liver killer, a nice Clynelish 14 year. The best way to describe this libation is to call it "perplexing," just like that lady boy that tricked you in Phuket. The color to it is a soft hay color, like the blond hair of a farm girl mixed in with the straw from the fields while she's bent over backwards on a hay bale. You know what I mean. It smells spicy like a peppery chorizo, with hints of floral heather and notes of malt, in case you just can't leave the beer alone. Luckily, it also feels heavier like that, too, and tastes like some skin flute yogurt from a London hobo – salty, peppery, with a bit of minerality. And similarly, it doesn't leave your taste buds for a while; a nice long finish. Go grab a bottle and think about this while you're drinking.

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Shirtless Pictures Bound to Please: Although I hate him, I knew a douche nut as big as Blaine Gabbert would have a picture of him shirtless out there on the internet. And surprise! Here he is. How pretty. If he slapped on a little rouge on his high cheek bones, slicked his hair back, and tucked his sack, he'd be passable for spank bank material. If you squint your eyes JUUUUSTTT enough. But don't. I would never recommend that, unless you're a lady. But even then … ehhhh … No.

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REAL PREDICTIONS! I finished my preseason predictions pretty solid, correctly guessing the wins and losses 3-1 … Which … subsequently meant a 1-3 REAL record. Doesn't matter. It just means that I am a GENIUS when comes to game predictions, and you should probably listen to me. That's why I'm going balls out to start this season off and predicting a Vikings win. I don't know why I am doing this. It'll definitely bite me in the ass, but I just feel that it has to be done. It's opening weekend, Purple Jesus is back, we don't have to put up with Joe Webb at QB (hopefully), and the Jaguars just, suck man. Man, they suck. And they're not even starting their best player, MJD, because he was all like, "F yo couch, give me money" and they didn't. So whatever. Let's get us a win to start the year, get undeservedly high on the team, and head into the next week. Vikings win, 34-23. Looking forward to it!

Enjoy the game, everybody. Football is almost OFFICIALLY back, and it feels pretty good. We'll have a game thread up on Sunday if you'd like to join, so hopefully we'll see you then.

 

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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