Welcome to Purple Jesus Diaries’ Point/Counterpoint, where we interview two experts on a hotly contested topic of interest for Minnesota Vikings fans. This week, we talked with experts about the recent news of Vikings receiver Percy Harvin having more disciplinary issues while in college at Florida than people originally knew, and whether that affects his worth to a team. The results may surprise you …
Point … Billy Gonzalez, former Florida Gators recevers coach: “You know? The Percy Harvin has always had some emotional issues. He’s always been a hot headed player that could definitely provide great upside for a team that played him, but it was at such a great risk. Specifically, to your throat region. Oh, yeah, I said recently that the story about Percy and I getting into an argument at a practice while he was in college where he ‘allegedly’ threw me to the ground by the throat was a inaccurate, that it didn’t happen, but do you have ANY idea what would have happened to me if I had said otherwise? It would have been the end of me, my friend. You nark out a psychopath like Percy and it’s not just your livelihood you have to worry about, but also everyone around you. Your dog, your goldfish, your ancestors in Spain … Don’t close both eyes for a SECOND, because he’ll be all over you. You all know how fast he is, you’ve seen it. He’ll swoop in during the middle of the night and make you wish you had taken that position coaching job in Idaho when you had the chance.
“There isn’t a largest enough salary to have made it worth while to continue coaching him. I’m glad he had to leave college eventually, that he wasn’t allowed to be a Super Senior like that dim-witted Tebow was. We all needed a break. Why do you think Urban Meyer eventually quit football? Because he hated winning all the time and being the best coach ever?! I doubt it! It’s because he had to lay low for a while, transfer bank accounts, move his family, change social security numbers … Percy was after him, I’m sure of it, and if he would have stuck around any longer, I’m certain it would have been me, too. You need a more convincing example? Look locally for you Vikings fans. Have you seen Brad Childress in a while? There you go. If you want to know what happened with him, go watch Cape Fear.
“If you ask me, a talent like Percy Harvin just isn’t worth it to your team for all the damage he’ll do. Get rid of him, now, like he’s a virus, and MAYBE you’ll live to see the sunrise.”
Counterpoint … Percy Harvin, Minnesota Vikings Wide Receiver: “Yes sir, I, uh, have always fully admitted that I have made some poor decisions in my past life, sir, and I do not, uh, shy away from any of those things. It’s like my, uh, Grandmama had always said to me, she said, uh, ‘Percy, what ain’t killin’ ya, goin’ make ya stronger,’ and so far it’s, uh, been, uh, true. I’ve been blessed, sir, to join my colleagues in the National Football League, to, uh, play the game I love day in and day out, and show the, uh, fans in Minnesota that – despite, uh, injuries and health concerns – I will always, uh, be the hardest fighter on the team, the guy that, uh, wants to win more than anyone else.
“UNLESS YOU FUCKING CROSS ME YOU ASS CHAFFER, THEN IT IS ALL OVER AND I WILL ROLL YOUR GOLDFISH IN YOUR WELCOME MATT AND SMOKE IT LIKE A GOD DAMN BLUNT ASHING OUT ON YOUR NEWLY MINTED FLOWER POT BECAUSE NO ONE TELLS PERCY HARVIN WHAT TO DO DO YOU HEAR ME AND I MEAN NOBODY BECAUSE I AM MY OWN MAN, GOD DAMMIT, I WILL MAKE MY OWN BED AND CUT THE CRUST OFF MY SANDWICHES AND CALL TORI BLACK ON MY OWN TIME AND MANAGE MY OWN PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS JUST FINE WITHOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU, GONZALEZ, AND YOU, FUCKING BRAD, TELLING ME THAT I CAN’T RUN ROUTES RIGHT OR THAT I NEED TO STAY ON THE SIDELINES LONGER TO DEVIN FUCKING AROMASHITFACE CAN TAKE MY SNAPS AND RUN LIKE BLONDE KNIGHT ON A PONY OUT THERE INSTEAD OF A DEATH BRINGING DRAGON SLAYER ON A PUREBREAD STALLION, WHICH IS WHAT I AM WHEN I PLAY FOOTBALL IN HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE, NFL, THE SENIOR GAMES, AFL, PEE WEE, PICK UP GAMES AGAINST BRETT FAVRE OR ANYWHERE ELSE SO DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT FUCKING QUESTION ME OR I WILL CHOKE YOU AND THROW YOU TO THE GROUND MY YOUR WHITE ASS CHICKEN NECK OR TOSS A GOD DAMN 75 POUND BARBELL AT YOUR BALD FACE IF YOU CROSS ME I SWEAR TO THE LORD.
“But as it is, sir, I, uh, think I can still be a very valuable asset to any team that, uh, wants me, and I just am looking forward to helping the team win, when it all comes down to it.”
*Pst! Did they say this? No, of course not. Neither of them did. It is satire.