Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game One Preview: Suck It, Summer Time!

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Things I Hate About Summer: Yes, I hate summer. Blasphemous you say? Bullshit. Summer was fun – nay, AMAZING – when you were 10 years old. You got out of school for three WHOLE months, you ran around outside not worried about people shooting you, played in dirt without fear of brain worms, drank lake water for the hell of it, went on vacation, slept in until noon, you did whatever the shit you wanted to. That was fun. But then you grew up. Now you DON’T get summers off. If you want free time you have to take time from actual WORK to go on vacation for like, one week, which isn’t even enough time to do anything. It takes me about seven days to get fully rested to go have fun anyway. No, now in the summer you just have to go to your job, wear a tie in 100 degree weather, FOLLOW BASEBALL which is worse than jackin’ it with metal hands and no lube, and pretend like you love being outside on the weekends when everyone else is also outside on overrated rooftop bars paying $12.50 for a shitty cocktail and having muscle heads rub up against you salivating for a slut. Sounds like a blast. But it’s over assholes. IT IS OVER.

Tonight, Minnesota Vikings football comes back. That means the weather is starting to cool and the best four to five months of the year are right around the corner. It is pretty damn exciting, and if your nipples aren’t hard yet then you can GTFO of here. I don’t want you stealing my blog’s bandwith with your Summer defending. Football isn’t a summer sport. Summer is for Californian bimbos and celebusluts who don’t want to work for anything in their life. Football is played in the fall and winter, which is where men live, work, play, and DIE.

You know our motto. Football is coming. And don’t you forget it.

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Get Over Yourself, San Fran: So playing against the San Francisco 49ers for the Vikings first preseason game of the year is pretty fitting. Those Cali sun bleached anal warts aren’t going to know what hit them. And they will deserve every bit of it, too. I thought I liked the 9ers for a while. I have always loved their uniforms (obviously) and of course Jerry Rice is a bad ass. But that Jim Harbaugh is a real cock sucker. Would I take him on my team? You bet your fat stomach I would. In a second. Over our molasses coach? Of course. But that doesn’t mean I think Harbaugh is a good guy. And frankly, I’m sick of the Alex Smith redemption story. He was drafted in the same class as Aaron Rodgers. Clearly this hasn’t worked out for him. I don’t care that he ran a touchdown in against a cheating Saints team in the playoffs. RGIII will probably do that too this year, in his rookie season. The worst part is that they also now have Randy Moss. HE IS OURS, GOD DAMMIT, WHY CAN’T WE HAVE ANYTHING NICE?! I hope we crush their pelvises ….eses …

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Watching the Offense: Lot’s to look into tonight, so let’s roll out the tome:

Shirtless Ponder: I’m not convinced yet that this guy is anything other than a sexy bag of meat. I need to see some signs of progress in him. He showed flashes all throughout his play last year, and that’s all well and fine. But let’s see him throw a ball away when he’s in trouble. Let’s see him look off a safety. Let’s see him fake out a defender by pretending to take his shirt off. These are positive, measurable steps of growth, people! Show me something.

WIDE Receivers: Jerome Simpson can play, right? He’s not suspended for the preseason? I’d like to see what he can do in live game action. I also hope he comes out looking like a Rastafarian again. What a weirdo. I want to see Percy being Percy, but only for like a minute because I don’t want to see him injured. Then I want to see what Jarius Wright can do as well as Stephen Burton and Manny Arceneaux. These guys didn’t have a chance to make the team before Childs went down, and now they’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime, like finding Emma Watson passed out in your bed. JUST DO IT, MAN!

Matt Kalikimaka: I just made that nickname up. Can we roll with it? Anyway, first round rookie, first game action, let’s see what he can do. Don’t get Ponder killed, and maybe play a little bit while Joe Webb is in there, just to get some snaps. And let’s see if we can’t get Matt Kalil’s hot mom on TV too a couple of times, alright?

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Eyeing the Defense: Same thing with the offense, except we got a grip of items to watch for on the other side of the ball. Mainly, it’s just to see if they suck hard or suck harder:

Jasper the Friendly Linebacker: I haven’t heard many people talk about this during mini camps, but I’m very curious to see what the Vikings do with the linebackers this year. Chad Greenway is pretty much a lock to be all white at one spot, Erin Henderson is a shoe-in at the other spot, and everyone expects Jasper Brinkley to play the middle. But his style isn’t suited for a Cover-2, and he hasn’t played football since Peyton Manning last did. Little nervous about this spot, guys.

Chris Choker: You know what, Chris Cook choked his girlfriend out. It’s a fact. But then he cut his dreads and he became a reformed man, which I don’t actually believe. Either way, he’s a starting cornerback for us, and he’s been making some camp noise. If you want to start getting back on the good side of the fans and, you know, human beings all together, let’s start by playing solid and not getting arrested again. Deal?

White Safeties: Brian Russell 2.0! I’m kind of excited for Harrison Smith to get out on the field. After he got in his hair pulling fight with Percy Harvin this week, I might be inclined to label him as the toughest white dude I know of. He’s got to have watermelons for balls to try to pull that shit. I hope he hits somebody, hard, and he doesn’t take an angle that proves he never passed basic Geometry class. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, TYRELL JOHNSON.

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Dolan of the Week: I can’t properly explain the new-ish “Dolan” meme to you. You either get it or you don’t. I may drive away a lot of traffic if I continue sharing these, but I just … Holy shit, I can’t stop loving these. They are twisted and hilarious. I love them so much I named one of my fantasy football teams after Dolan this year. FAK U IS DOLAN. It’s like the “Arrested Development” of meme comics. If you feel confused, maybe angry, dirty, disgusted, offensive, mad … well, then it did it’s job and you get to shut up. LOVE IT.

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Scotch of the Week: It’s back! For your benefit, I drank  A SHIT TON of scotch during the offseason so that I could review them all for you throughout the NFL season. You’re welcome. Unrelated, I will also be taking donations for a liver transplant this year. They do that, right? Pretty sure they do that. Or stem cells or something. SCIENCE. Anyway, this week’s scotch it the Cragganmore, Distillers Edition. It’s got a soft, amber color with almost a bit of a hint of red, like what I imagine Emma Stone’s real pubes look like. Probably taste just as good, too. The nose has soft hints of apricot, heather, wine cask, and other masculine scents. It’s a heavy feeling scotch, a bit musty on the tongue like mouth blasting Judy Dench’s vag. It tastes better than that though, with hints of toffee, cherry, a bit of citrus even, and finishes with a sweet, long balance. Even a bit of malty at the end. It’s 40% ABV, so drink stupid!

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Sexy Women and Shirtless Men for Pageviews: I don’t know who this lady is, nor do I care. That is a fine looking butt. Nice. Tight. Arousing. Turns out she’s Asian, so if you’re into that sort of thing, totally Google “san francisco boudoir photographer” because I probably shouldn’t link to it since there are explicit nipples that are shown. I approve of them and all, but you know. For the ladies, here’s a photo of San Francisco 49ers tight end (haha!) Vernon Davis shirtless. Dude is ripped. I’m kind of attracted to it, actually in a gay way.

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Warm-Up Prediction: As noted every year, predicting preseason games is a joke about as funny as Dane Cook. And yet, as he still somehow gets paid to perform, here we are making a prediction. The RIGHT prediction is that the Vikings will get stomped. The 49ers were a playoff team last year without an offseason and a new head coach. They’ve only gotten better, really. They have more depth, a smarter coach, and they’re playing at home. Let’s write them in a win at, say, 27-20. Seems fair. The other side of that is I totally want the Vikings to win, and I’m wondering if I make the fansterbation pick and predict them to win, that it will give me insight into what mentality I should use to predict the REAL games. If I was trying to go for the upset, I’d say Vikings 23-17, with that fourth string quarterback for us, McLeod Bethel-Thompson, getting us the go-ahead score. I hope he turns into our franchise quarterback. What a cluster flock that would be.

Whatever. Enjoy the game. We’ll have a Game Thread up tonight at 7PM, because I think the game actually starts at 8PM our time. Stupid west coast. So make sure to go out and buy your scotch, then come back and drink with your internet Vikings friends. See you all tonight!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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