Purple Jesus is Returning, Jumping Over Boxes Like a Boss

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Put the back of your head across your forehead like you’re going to faint from relief and head over to the Vikings.com page and watch this 15 minute interview with the Vikings’ Head Athletic Trainer Eric Sugarman and our very own Purple Jesus where they talk about Purple Jesus’ recovery from his knee injury. He covers a wide range of topics – but apparently is focusing on his cutting *head bob* most right now – and just seeing him talk and describe his experiences on rehab is pretty exciting.

If we’re being honest, I was pretty certain after he tore his knee up that it was over, we were going to have to rename the blog “The John David Blunty Stories” or something, and then circle into a mad bout of alcoholism and depression. I mean, more so than I already am thanks to factors totally not related to football or Purple Jesus. But here we are, him talking about beating teammates in sprint dashes, getting his conditioning workouts in, walking with a straight pimp limp like a boss. It’s all there, and indications are that he’ll roll that boulder away from his tomb the day before the team’s first game and surprise the poop out of some people when he appears telling them, “Don’t worry, LOL! I’m not dead, I am back to forgive your sins of being a Vikings fan and try to get you a Super Bowl! JK! We’ll at least do playoffs!”

Can’t wait. Here are some other notes on the video, after the jump:

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  • Has anyone ever watched Eric Sugarman do anything? I’ve only ever seen him run to a player on the field and I always think, “Is that weiner looking dude really our athletic trainer? Uh oh.” But he seems like a cool dude. I like him.
  • Purple Jesus also calls him Suge. I like that. It’s like Suge Knight, but less Biggy killing and more white skin. Pretty much same amount of baldness, though.
  • I am starting to wonder if Purple Jesus can saying “cutting” without acting the word out. I don’t think he can.
  • I like how when he was talking about his injury from day one, when it happened, Purple Jesus says “When I walked off the field … I WASN’T CARTED LIKE NO BITCH.” Or at least that’s what his words are implying. And it’s true. He’s a fucking man.

All in all, I’m cautiously optimistic only because I have a boner for him. It feels like a decade ago since I last watched him run and be awesome and win football games, and that makes me sad. He deserves better than being on a shitty team with a moron for a GM and having a cadaver leg. Hopefully we turn it around.

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In the meantime, check out this accompanying video of him being put through workouts. Highlights include him chasing a medicine ball around like a cat in heat, running in circles like he’s an eight year old wearing footy pajamas on carpet, and then jumping on top of two huge stacked boxes EFFORTLESSLY. Uh, the guy just came off major knee surgery. What the hell. I haven’t done anything this physically impressive in my entire life fully healthy, let alone with one working leg. Unless you count having a HUGE penis, amirite?!

Anyway, he’s awesome, he’ll continue to be awesome, and you better recognize.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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