Seth Kaplan from FOX 9 posed an interesting question on Twitter yesterday. I know, I was surprised too. FOX 9? Was it something about loving stealing money from poor people? BIAS. Whatever. Anyway. He asked the following question:
|Forgetting contracts, if you could only keep one of these players in Minnesota for their career who would it be? Love, Mauer or Peterson.|
Now, clearly, I’m biased. The answer – and it’s not even REALLY debatable here – is Maya Moore. But the second best option would still be Purple Jesus, busted knee and all. And I can actually argue it soundly, after you kindly click on the “READ MORE” button … Do it …
The answer is clearly Purple Jesus. You should want to keep Purple Jesus on the team for his entire career. There are several ways to answer this. One of the major factors that tends to play in here is what type of person you are. Are you a boonie’s hick that wears dirty ass baseball caps and thinks you look cool while fishing on your beat up motor boat during the summer? Then you’d probably like Joe Mauer to continue to fight through some illness called “Toddler Legs” and stay a Twin his entire career. Or, are you a white kid from the suburbs who use to bust some dope freestyle raps in high school and still likes to wear baggy clothes to think your urban? Than following Kevin Love is probably the greatest thing in your life. However, if you happen to be just a normal person, who maybe likes breasts or muscles, pie and ice cream, and could probably have gotten into some of that gladiator type fighting way back in the day, then you fully understand why Purple Jesus is the only real choice.
Further, we’ll break each modern Minnesota sports icon down further to show you why Purple Jesus is so revered. But before that, just keep in mind that, yes, we totally get that each player is pretty good in their respective sports, but the question posed was that you had to choose just one, so that’s what we’re arguing.
KEVIN LOVE: First, let’s look at Kevin Love. No doubt Minnesota would receive some bonuses here if he were to play out his entire career in the Land of Lakes. He’s the only legit basketball star we’ve had in these parts since Kevin Garnett, and that may as well have been since the dinosaurs died, it feels so long ago. The other benefit of keeping an NBA super star around is that it brings a bit of credit to your city. Basketball, by nature, is an urban, modern sport. It’s largely played indoors, measured in specific time increments, and can grab a city’s consciousness unlike almost any other professional sport. Kevin Love has shown that this year by helping the Wolves get back to respectability and into the playoff hunt, bringing national attention to the state, his own play, and a new contract. Except … His new contract wasn’t worth the max (“but we’re not considering contracts!” I get it, shut up), the spread of the Wolves probably doesn’t “grab” the entire state like other sports do, and you’re kidding yourself if you think the national attention isn’t because of Ricky Business (whom I would MUCH rather keep for his entire career over Love). Also, it’s pretty well known that Love is a bit of a brusque character. Sure, he’s done lots of meet and greets with fans, but meet him at an informal venue and he’s no Joe Mauer. Speaking of …
JOE MAUER: What a golden boy, amirite?! The square jaw, the perfect swing, the tight ass … Joe Mauer IS Minnesota. When I think of ice fishing, I think of Joe Mauer driving out onto a lake in a big Mauer Chevrolet truck with a six pack of Summit beer and a winter hat with the ear flaps. JOE MAUER! His story is a great one. A nice kid from Saint Paul grows up to play any professional sport he wants and ends up signing a contract to play with his home-town team, the Minnesota Twins. It’s so perfect, so folksy, it’s such a story you want to cheer for, from Saint Paul to Rochester, from Minneapolis to Fargo, even Wisnconsin fans can’t escape the grab of Joe Mauer! The only problem is it’s baseball, and baseball is boring as shit. You ever go to a baseball game? ESPECIALLY IN THAT NEW STADIUM OH MY GOD, LET ME TELL YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS, THEN LET’S TALK ABOUT THE TRAVESTY OF THEM REMOVING THE TREES FROM CENTER FIELD, just shoot me now. And Mauer may not even be the best guy on the team! Look what happens when a Justin Morneau gets dizzy? The Twins miss the playoffs. Sure, it’d be nice to keep Joe Mauer around forever, but truthfully, he’ll probably stick anyway. But what’s exciting about that? It’s like he was supposed to be a Twin this whole time. But since the Twins apparently think you only need a catcher who bats four times a game to win a World Series, well, we’re all in trouble. Keeping Joe Mauer around for his entire career just means that the Twins will never sign an ace pitcher, will never compete with the Yankees, and I’ll never stop hearing about Target Field. Damn baseball fans didn’t deserve a stadium … The Vikigns do! Speaking of …
PURPLE JESUS: What more can you say, aside from the fact that he’s perfect? While each of the players mentioned before have some lofty accomplishments on their own, I can’t quite say that they hold the same weight as our Purple Father. He’s already a sure-fire Hall of Fame football player, and he’s a VIKING! Some may want to argue that him and his role on the football team may be just as insignificant as Joe Mauer’s, that football is a passing league now, and to that I saw go tongue an electrical socket. Did you watch any of the teams in the playoffs? They won because of the ground game. The Giants would never have beat the Packers (OK, anyone could have beat the Packers) unless they had great running back play. The entire Super Bowl was almost lost because a running back scored too early! If the Vikings are to ever get to that position, we need a Hall of Famer like Purple Jesus to get us over the hump. But it’s not just what he means to the team. No, he’s really the best parts of the aforementioned players. He brings national attention, consistently, to the Vikings like Kevin Love does, and is an easy guy to root for like Joe Mauer. The difference is that his reach is much more. Love always has one foot out the door, waiting to leave the winter and go back to California, and Joe Mauer still lives in his mom’s basement (allegedly). Purple Jesus? He’s loved from Eden Prairie to Texarkana, from NYC to LA. The guy can do no wrong, and he genuinely likes us as much as we all like him. On top of all of this, we named a blog after him, so that has to count for something.
That’s why Purple Jesus is the greatest Minnesota sports star right now, and the correct choice for who you’d want to keep around forever. I’m sure some random morons will disagree, but I’m also sure those random morons have fat faces, which means their opinions don’t matter. Either way, let everyone know how you feel in the comments.
And remember; none of this actually matters. Five years from now, Kevin Love will be a Laker, Joe Mauer will win World Series with the Yankees, and Purple Jesus will be a back up running back for the Packers. It’s just how things work.