Purple Jesus Junior is Already Stronger than You

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WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM PULL UPS, SON!!!

Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Is that the son of the son of God doing pull ups on a gym bar, AND HE’S ONLY 10 MONTHS OLD?! YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID. YOU ARE A WASTE OF LIFE. SHIT JUST GOT REAL, BOY!!

What can’t this human-god hybrid do? It’s like the sun’s plasma came down and replaced the blood in this young sires veins so he could defy the laws of physics and do remarkable things. 10 months old and lifting himself up on a pull up bar? I MEAN LOOK AT THIS SHIT, HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE SUPPORT OF A SHIRTLESS PURPLE JESUS, IT IS ALL UPPER BODY STRENGTH, HE IS MORE MAN NOW THEN YOU WILL EVER BE!

And it’s not like this third coming is cheating, either. He didn’t take off his body sock, or ask for a phone book underneath him, or even request that his diaper be emptied before he hit his reps. HE WENT HARD, KID, AND YOU BEST BELIEVE THAT. HE’S LIFTING AN EXTRA NINE POUNDS RIGHT NOW, AND ONLY FIVE OF THOSE ARE IN THE BACK END OF THE DIAPER!!

Kid is a stud, a true machine. He perfects his craft. He won’t have nap time getting in his way. Burping can take a back seat. Get to bed by 7 PM? Shit, that’s just when the body starts going in to shock from so many reps. YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM STOP, HE WILL SWING YOUR DEAD ASS AROUND BY YOUR TOES UNTIL YOU LEAVE HIM TO HIS SET!!

Purple Jesus Junior is legit. He’s already the best linemen on the team. Stronger than Kevin Williams. Lower center of gravity than John Sullivan. Definitely quicker feet than Phil Loadholt. He can work on that though. Either way, SIGN HIM TO A LIFETIME CONTRACT RIGHT NOW. GIVE HIM OWNERSHIP LIKE ICHIRO SUZUKI. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. HE’S OUR ONLY HOPE.

That boy is straight magic. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or change your beliefs. Purple Jesus Junior will take the league by storm, probably next year, and it’s all because of his early workout program. What a dad.

Oh, and we also get a bonus Shirtless Jesus, so that’s pretty nice. For the ladies.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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