Purple Jesus Races Percy Harvin Up a Hill. Yes, This is News.

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It was nigh seven months ago when famed Jesus-person Purple Jesus was the victim of a horrific terrorist act upon ligaments in his knee, tearing them and rendering him unavailable to play the sacred game of football. BUT HE IS RETURNING. We’ve already covered some of his divine exploits on his road to recovery, including jumping onto boxes like his name was Superman, and beating Joe Webb and other slackers in a straight line sprint during recent training camps. But this is something else, as is evident by this “race” he had with Percy Harvin this week where they first started by running in a straight line on level ground, and then proceeded to run at an incline up a hill.

Keep in mind the greatest thing you’ve done with yourself this week is read this blog post. On the other hand, the Son of God has continued his miraculous recovery from knee surgery and is now running up hills with little to no difficulty. And you think that’s impressive? Check out what else Purple Jesus and Percy Harvin did this week.

Now, keep in mind that Percy Harvin is also on the mend from shoulder surgery this week, so he totally can’t pump his arms in full exertion to maximize his speed. So that fact that him and Purple Jesus are running neck and neck at this point in their respective recoveries is so damn impressive my belt loop just popped.

But, what, just a flat surface and a hill? That’s nothing. PJD has heard exclusively that Harvin and Purple Jesus decided to up the ante as well, and included the following obstacles in their running route. Naturally, these were not caught on the video that has been seen of their inclined running over at the Star Tribune site, but you just have to trust me that it’s true because I totally would not lie to you ever:

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  • They hired John Henson and John Anderson to come to the practice field to narrate their deft movements through the Wipeout! obstacle course.
  • Purple Jesus and Percy Harvin navigated a make-shift real-life version of “Temple Run” where Jared Allen and Toby Gerhart were the rabid hunting monkeys chasing them across tree limbs and fire bands.
  • They were able to search Percy Harvin’s house from top to bottom in record time for his lost bag of weed before 4:20 hit.
  • Both players ran AND cut fast enough on their routes to come back to a poorly underthrown Christian Ponder ball. Not only that, but they also ran fast enough to catch a horribly OVERthrown Joe Webb ball. Amazing!
  • Each was seen taking turns during the recent Twins home stand running from the pitcher to home plate where the Twins were batting to relay the catchers sign and tip the home team off to what pitch was being thrown. Cheating like this is clearly the only way the Twins could win.
  • Upon seeing both hobbled players perform lightyears better than he has ever done, Asher Allen decided it was time to find a new career and declared his retirement. The Son of God tends to do that to people.

I remember when I heard Purple Jesus tore his leg up like it was eaten by a naked homeless man from Florida, and I was CERTAIN that his career was over. Now? I’m not so sure. I’m thinking he may be able to come back and just be a bruising bad ass. Will he ever cut and reach the same top speed he’s had again? I doubt it. But we may not need that, either. We just need the FEAR of God to strike our opponents, and with more and more cases of Purple Jesus rehabbing like he is, I tend to think that route will be very successful.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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