What the Eff is this Ess?! I’m gone for a handful of weeks and the Minnesota Vikings go all Washington Redskins on me and sign a bunch of TOTALLY AWESOME PLAYERS during the opening free agency period?! ASTOUNDING! If I am not mistaken (and I don’t think I am, despite not really having internet access for three weeks, but my word-of-mouth-informants are pretty reliable), the Vikings have now signed an entirely new offensive line, two new linebackers (traded for Patrick Willis, I heard?), signed Peyton Manning, two receivers, three cornerbacks, and two safeties to boot. We’re set! ……..
Oh, wait, we’ve just signed a bunch of dumpster slots like former Miami Dolphin running- and full-back Lex Hilliard? DAMN YOU, RICK SPIELMAN!!!
WHO: Uh, a former Dolphin running back and full back, Lex Hilliard. Former Dolphin, you say? Excellent move, Spielman. I can’t wait to turn into the post-Dan Marino led team that has shit all over itself like a baby eating red curry. This guy is a genius GM.
WHAT? Well, we know Hilliard plays in the backfield for football teams. He runs the ball, and I would guess occasionally catches it. He might even block, too, but I wouldn’t place any bets on that. He is also relatively young, fitting an arbitrarily needed youth movement that Rick Spielman has this team focused on. Good! Because young football players never make mental mistakes, and never grow old! It’s a fool proof plan! To my knowledge, Hilliard is also not related to Ike Hilliard, who I always thought fondly of as a wide receiver for the New York Giants and Tampa Bay Buccaneers (although I have no idea if he’s still alive or not, and frankly, it doesn’t matter), but on the other side of that, Lex is a pretty good name. Lex Luthor, Lex Diamonds (Raekwon the Chef’s alias), Lexus, Sexy Lexy … there’s a lot of potential for t-shirts here if this guy sticks. Also, he last wore #26 with the Dolphins, and since that number belongs to Antoine Winfield, fuck yo’ couch, Hilliard. Get a new one.
NO, REALLY, WAT LOL? I don’t … I don’t even. at 5’11″, 240 lbs, he’s a hefty bag behind the line of scrimmage and apparently is known for his blocking. I’ve always liked the idea of getting a real blocking full back in front of Purple Jesus again, even though he says he prefers not to run with one. He SAYS that, but I’m pretty sure when he was running behind Tony Richardson he was running like a BAUSS. And then there was Nafahu Tahi, who has been sent to die in a volcano, rightfully. I can understand Purple Jesus’ hesitation to get another full back, but hey! Maybe this guy will be different from every other roster move Rick Spielman has ever made for the team! Maybe he’ll pan out and he’ll beat out the competition in Caleb King, Jordan Todman (who?), Ryan D’Imperio, and Matt Asiata! Maybe he’ll be the next Cory Schlesinger! …. Or not.
SO? So I don’t think anything happens with this. If anything, it doesn’t tell us much about the upcoming season’s Vikings’ roster, but rather the team’s approach to rebuilding this sinking love boat. Take flyers on random young guys, give them one year contracts, dump them when they don’t work out, and draft in the top 5 again next year until you’ve sucked for so long you end up bound to not fail forever. I mean, if the Lions can do it we can, right? That’s how Hollywood casting directors found Leelee Sobieski and her huge tits, I’m pretty sure. Just prepare for a couple (more) decades of ineptitude! Hurray, football!