Searching for a Defensive Coordinator

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Although his cute, chubby little face is not officially ass canned by the Minnesota Vikings yet, it’s been pretty clear that current defensive coordinator Fred Pagac won’t return, and the team is looking for a new defensive coordinator in 2012. Going 3-13 with Drew Brees throwing for 700 yards on you will likely expedite you losing your job. That’s just facts.

More facts include that Raheem Morris, former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach and Mike Tomlin clone (kind of), has already been brought in for an interview for the position. So really, think about that. Pagac may be interviewing the guy to take his job. Brutal. And while Morris would have been an exciting fit (Knows the Cover-2 system, runs a 4-3 defense, can coach retarded defensive backs like a whiz, etc, etc), it was recently announced that the Washington Redskins had won his services as a defensive backs coach. So scratch his name off the list, and the Vikings are right back where they began.

But not all is lost. Today, Purple Jesus Diaries will break down the remaining candidates – both those connected to the job and some of our own ideas for the position – and analyze how well they would fit in with the team. This, of course, is all in hopes that we can end up with a dynamo defensive coordinator in 2012 that has a strategy of not acting like a doormat to the Packers. Splendid. Let’s get to it:

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Steve Spagnuolo: Spagnuolo, who it is rumored the Vikings have interest in for the position, would be a great fit but a tough get. He runs a scheme (shown more during his time with the Eagle sand the Giants) that is a 4-3, Cover-2 pressure system, where he’ll speed rush from the edges and have his defensive backs push the receivers up on the line. That’s the type of physical play that would be perfect for the Vikings, particularly with some of the personnel already in place. In addition, Spags was ALMOST a Vikings coach when Childress nearly brought him to Minnesota from Philly when he became head coach. This time around? It’d be a bit tougher, as he’s already rumored to head back to Philadelphia by the end of this week. If I were Zygi, I would consider taking my private jet out to wherever his ass is and give him the farm and some lake front property on the North Shore to convince him to come. He would be perfect here, but is still a long shot.

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Mel Tucker: Tucker – not to be confused with Tom Tucker from Family Guy – comes from Jacksonville. He’s also run a 4-3 defense (I think … I don’t know, Jacksonville sucks, who cares), and could possibly be a fit. The Jags have had solid defensive play for a while, and he’s certainly had his hand in it. An extensive time doing research on his Wikipedia page tells us that he’s got some Nick Saban pedigree in him, and has shown an ability to coach his teams into a top-10 defensive ranking wherever he goes (including Cleveland! Poop!). Tucker was up for the head coaching job in Jacksonville until Mike Mularkey swooped in like a Falcon (see what I did there?) and took it from him. Will Tucker feel cheated enough that he’ll want to leave and come to Minnesota? It could be a pretty good fit, and his success speaks for itself, like a pair of authentic, full, C-cups.

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Mike Singletary: What DON’T we know about Singletary? He’s notoriously famous for flipping his cock around to a bunch of males in a locker room as a motivational ploy, and it didn’t work. Surprisingly, Singletary has never been a defensive coordinator before. He’s known as a linebacker coach and was the 49ers head coach, where he went Norman Van Brocklin-esque 18-22. However, Big Leslie and him and good friends, and the chances of him failing his way into the position is almost too good, which really choads my goat, if that’s a thing. I would not approve of this move, and would expect Frazier to be fired by the end of next year if it happens.

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Jerry Sandusky:
Sandusky, a former defensive coordinator with the Penn State Nitany Lions, is an interesting choice. He played a critical role in the defense of the Penn State team which won a national championship, and is renown for having fantastic linebacker play so much so that Penn State became known as “Linebacker U” during his tenure. Upgraded linebacker play is definitely something the Vikings could benefit from, so bringing in Sandusky could be an interesting prospect. The only knock on his defenses? His defenses tend to leave the tight ends wide open, and have a great difficulty in protecting the A-gaps. Still, it has to be considered.

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A Wet Blanket: This wouldn’t necessarily be an upgrade, but would certainly keep tradition with the team. The benefit here is that with a wet blanket – which of course can’t talk, call plays, or direct players – the natural athletic ability of the players on the defensive side of the ball would shine through and might actually be an upgrade over be coached by Fred Pagac. This would be kind of a wash-fit, neither an upgrade nor a real downgrade.

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Jared Allen: Consider this; Jared Allen becomes the first player-coach in recently memory on defense, and leads the team to a Super Bowl win. Every player on the team must grow a mullet, granting them unnatural powers on defense, and each player sets team records in 2012. Downside? There’s no way to tell how smart he is or if he knows anything outside of the front four. He certainly isn’t the greatest person to use when covering a linebacker, so I can only imagine how his “coached” safeties would play. Still, probably a better option than a wet blanket.

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Antoine Winfield: Now, THIS … this actually is both stupid silly and has potential. Winfield is injured his entire life, and while people want to push him towards a safety position in 2012 and beyond, the best option would be to just quick-promote him to defensive coordinator. And unlike Jared Allen, he’d be a perfect coach for any defensive position. Winfield knows every position on the field. He plays close to the line and blitzes like a defensive linemen and a linebacker. He is clearly the BEST cornerback in the history of the world (get screwed, Leslie!), and he’s always yelling at safeties for blowing coverage that makes him look bad, so he’s got every angle covered. Honestly? If Spagnuolo or Tucker doesn’t work, Winfield would be my third option.

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Boba Fett: Finally, the team really needs to consider Boba Fett. Consider his strengths: He’s quick in thanks to his jet pack, he looks fearsome with both his mask and gravely voice, and he’s hard to put down. Even after being put in a Sarlacc Pit, he shot his way out and went back to hunt that son of a bitch Han Solo down. That type of tenacity is EXACTLY what we need on the defense. Only problem? He’s not real. But he COULD be!

Hopefully, one of these great candidates will soon be announced as a Vikings defense coordinator. We may have missed some options, so if you have any, let’s hear them and their credentials in the comments.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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