In what can only be described as an act from Lucifer himself, our beloved savior of Vikings football and essentially God on Earth, Purple Jesus himself, had his body possessed by the demon named the Devil which caused him to act abnormally, and lead to his arrest by modern day Romans, aka, the Houston police.
It was late Friday night when the Devil split the Earth’s crust open and slithered out from his fiery catacombs. Curling his mustache just so, he donned an inconspicuous trench coat and top hat, and followed the Minnesota Vikings star Purple Jesus to a club called Live! The club, located in a little bit of Hell on Earth itself in a city called Houston, was where Purple Jesus was planning on celebrating the early weekend quietly with some friends.
However, knowing that the Vikings franchise was getting to close to making the correct moves to turn this team around, that the Devil’s home was in danger of freezing over if the Vikings started to get too near a Super Bowl in the coming years, the Devil decided to create some negative press for the team by landing their star running back and angel among men in some hot water. He followed Purple Jesus into the club and continued to take on the appearance of friends, family, and fans who continued to by him libations in an effort to make him unruly and agitated. After several hours and liters of alcohol – enough to kill a horse but only just enough to make the blood of the Son of God feel intoxicated – the Devil finally made his move.
Appearing to the public as an off duty police officer, the Devil instigated an interaction with Purple Jesus, who initially refuted his aggitations. However, after doing everything in his power to get a rise out of the star NFL player (including refuting his manhood, calling God fake, saying Oklahoma sucked, and REFUSING HIM WATER at the bar during closing time), the Devil finally decided a more direct course of action was needed. As Purple Jesus was leaving the club, he jumped onto the athlete’s back and created a raucous between club bouncers – who were called upon to stop any and all disturbances – and the alleged “off-duty cop.”
To the human eye, this battle of Heaven and Hell took place in an instant. The Devil-in-disguise attacked Purple Jesus from behind, who then apparently shoved the person back before acquiescing to the mortal arrest threat. In the eye of the Heaven’s, though, Purple Jesus and the Devil engaged in a battle of wills that shattered mountain peaks, drained oceans, and split atoms before he thwarted the Devil back to Hell while he choose to remain on Earth, more than ever determined to help protect the sad humans who roam these lands.
In short time, Purple Jesus was released, and as of now, is only waiting for the truth to come out concerning his most recent and epic battle with the Devil.