It's without question that Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts – and the previous week during the Jacksonville Jaguars – that the main culprit for the Vikings' poor performances has been their defense. And a slow start to the offense. And a horrible coaching staff. And an inept franchise. And a brutal play-by-play radio announcer. And a ton of roster players who smoke copious amounts of weed, but they're all offensive players, so it's probably fine. But definitely the defense.
So it's time to start asking the hard hitting questions. Why is the defense playing so poorly this year? What is the coaching staff telling them to do? What are their assignments on plays? Why have they continued to let big plays occur at the end of halfs and games? It's a troubling trend, but one we here at Purple Jesus Diaries think we have gotten to the bottom of, so join us as we explore all of the different defensive assignments assigned to the team, explaining why the play has been so poor.
It is important to remember a couple of things here before we delve into the defensive breakdowns. First, remind yourself that our defense is filled with players who should either still being playing in college (talent wise, not age wise), likely division II talent, sinking programs like Notre Dame, or colleges in the Congo, if they have those there. Also, remember that what's being asked of these players isn't rocket science, it's football science. You have guys like Ray Lewis, Clay Matthews, and Brian Urlacher all figuring out how to play the defensive side of the ball, and those guys are about as smart as Pop Rocks. Any of our players should be able to figure out this "complex scheme" just as well. And yet here we are.
So what's the problem? We've outlined some of the problem areas below:
- Many of our defensive backs played wide receiver in pop warner or high school, and the Vikings coaches have neglected to coach them to bat the ball away rather than just run synchronous routes with the opposing receivers
- Leslie Frazier pulled a really stupid move during training camp when he told people not to touch Purple Jesus during his first contact drills. It was stupid because he never mentioned that the defensive players should start tackling opposing players in live games, and our guys need that kind of clear cut direction and instructions.
- Our defense is hand cuffed by having to practice playing against our offense in practice every week. How is anyone in our defensive backfield supposed to get better going against our wide receivers on a weekly basis?
- There are just so many, you know, responsibilities out there, man, on defense. Like you have to run backwards at the same time as using your eyes to see where the football actually is, and then line up a potential tackle too. Whoa.
- There are two players from Notre Dame (Harrison Smith, Robert Blanton) who now play in the backfield. I mean, I like both those guys and all, but come on … This is clearly God telling us that no one actually likes Notre Dame.
- One inside source has told us that, despite leading the team in tackles against the Colts, Erin Henderson is secretly sabotaging the defense because he's pissed the team didn't re-sign his brother, EJ Henderson.
- Every player out there is actually a clone of Antoine Winfield, but after the first iteration (and white-bred version named "Jared Allen"), each clone became progressively more stupid, losing intelligence by half as they were produced, until you were left with Jamarca Sanford. It's like a twisted Jurassic Park.
- There is not a single player on the defensive side of the ball that owns a double sided dildo. That pretty much explains everything.
Despite all of this, I'd like to say that the team still has potential. I really would. They're young, they've shown some grit and panache against two really, really, really, really, REALLY, really bad teams these first two weeks, and are still tied for first (and last) in the NFC North. But … Yeah, we're in trouble, bros.
Did we miss a defensive ailment? Let us know in the comments.