This Just In: The 2012 Vikings Will Suck

Guys, I have some bad news for you; There aren’t many people looking forward to the 2012 Minnesota Vikings.

After the NFL schedule was released this week, every crappy blog on the internet (including this one! *does jig*) wanted to recap a schedule that had little to no meaning at this point in the year. This includes’s “Eye on the NFL” blog, which took a look at the LEAST anticipated match ups in 2012. Technically, they just straight up call their feature “THE 10 WORST GAMES OF THE 2012 NFL SCHEDULE” leaving very little room for misinterpretation that, yes, the 2012 Minnesota Vikings may in fact be the worst.
Straight out of the gate in their review:

Jaguars at Vikings, Week 1, September 9
Vikes-Jags already had “overdrafted second-year quarterback stinkbomb” written all over it in the first place, and even though it could turn into a sneaky shoutout depending on the secondary of each squad, it’s hard to imagine that Adrian Peterson will be at full form to try and face 2011 rushing leader Maurice Jones-Drew … provided he hasn’t held out for a new deal.

Guh. It’s hard to disagree. Gabbert is the worst, and the jury is still “hung” on Christian Ponder. On top of this, both of these teams’ jerseys suck mega balls too. It’ll be a match up so void of excitement that your penis will actually retract into your stomach and weep for the better days.

Unfortunately, it only gets worse.
The second game they list is also a Vikings game, their only “prime time” game on a Thursday night against the Bucs:

Buccaneers at Vikings, October 25 (Thursday)
Every single team has to get a Thursday game as I understand it, so maybe it wasn’t so bad of the NFL to stick these two stinkers together for one game.

Hard to argue with this one right now either. Chances are, the Vikings “big draft pick” will be a left tackle, a rather unsexy position in the NFL, and the Bucs are rumored to be taking Morris Claiborne or Trent Richardson. Prime time sex appeal around these teams and picks? It can be summed up with an exasperated “Eeehhh …..” The fact that the Vikings even have a prime time game this year is pretty amazing, but then when you realize it’s a Thursday night game on the NFL Network that only a choice number of people have access to, it’s not really prime time, but rather a pity selection. Big surprise. This one will be difficult to watch.

The last time the Vikings are mentioned makes them participants in three of the ten worst games in 2012, the most of any NFL team on this “worst” list:

Seahawks vs. Vikings, Week 9, November 4
I’m sorry, but whenever the primary storyline that you could drum up for a game involves the words “Tarvaris Jackson Bowl,” you’ve probably run into a relatively unexciting matchup.

Oh god. The TarVar Bowl could quite easily take on a life of it’s own. Placing this match up as one of the worst this year is a no brainer. The only hope for redemption here is that TarVar eventually gets beat out by Matt Flynn or whatever else scrub they have competing with him. Otherwise it’ll be a contest to see how many touchdowns TarVar throws for the Vikings. Through interceptions. Finally.

Now, sure, this is all the opinion of one person. And at this point in the year, before the draft, roster cuts, further free agency moves, trades, training camps, and more … It’s real hard to tell which teams will suck and which ones won’t. But based strictly on star and national appeal? It’s hard to argue that this season the Vikings won’t have it early. Until Purple Jesus gets back, and until Ponder proves he can get the ball to Percy Harvin reliably, there isn’t much else on this team that is going to draw the eyes of the nation.

Which is perfect, because that’s how teams sneak up on people and into the playoffs. WE COMIN’, WE COMIN’!!!!!


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.